"I understand life around me better, not out of love, which everyone recognizes as a great teacher, but out of alienation to which no one has ascribed the strength to strengthen insight." ~ Nirad C. Chaudhuri
I was brought up to understand that family is family. So I naturally attached great importance to family ties. But what happens when a family bond breaks? Do you commit to holding on despite the cost, or do you acknowledge the damage and take the necessary steps to untie the tie?
Personally, I am sitting somewhere in the middle. Every important relationship deserves a great deal of effort, patience, understanding, and forgiveness in rebuilding. There is only so much you can do, however, and at some point it might be in everyone's best interests to go away.
I speak from personal experience. I have become estranged twice in my life. Once from my father, who was my choice, and the other time from my sibling, who ultimately made the decision to leave; I think I just scored the self and crossed the self on it.
Let me be clear, no alienation has been a wonderful experience. The process of breaking bonds is heartbreaking regardless of the situation that led to the alienation. It hurts when you feel rejected and it hurts when you know you are rejecting someone.
But when it is the right decision for you and the pain subsides a bit, there is a sense of relief. While you may never feel happy about it, overall you will feel happier about the steps you have taken to protect yourself and your well-being.
As with all life events, there is an opportunity to learn and reflect …
In hindsight, there are certain measures I should have taken before the relationship ended, especially when it came to my sibling. Perhaps taking these measures could have prevented the result? Who knows? Regardless, these behaviors would certainly have helped me heal faster, even if the end had been inevitable.
If you are struggling in a relationship with a family member or other type of relationship, these five suggested actions can help.
1. Be yourself.
This is what I step myself about most when I think of my estrangement from my sibling. I was never myself. I always tried to impress them and get their approval.
You see, my sibling was much older than me; When I was two years old, they had already left home. There were few visits, and when my sibling married there was tension between my family and their spouse.
Everything had to be done to make her happy. We had to step on eggshells around them to keep the relationship going, and that stayed with me into adulthood. I believed that if I got out of line, the relationship would end. So I said what I thought they wanted to hear and acted as I saw fit.
This led to a lot of resentment on my part. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt fully accepted.
When I saw that this would soon affect my own children, I knew that things had to change.
I stopped chewing and within a year of they broke away, communication basically stopped. The hardest part was knowing that all these years I had presented an inauthentic version of myself. I felt like I had let me down. What would have happened if I was just myself?
It can be difficult to be yourself when there is a family member you want to please, but you can't let the labels they put on you define you. Be who you really are Yes, you might get rejected, but being someone you aren't is stressful and likely leads to more unhappiness. You are the one who has to live with yourself after all – it is better to love the person who you are!
If I had time again, I would be just myself, and I encourage everyone to adopt this approach as well.
2. Communicate.
Relationships break down all too easily when there is a lack of communication. Good communication builds your connection, helps you resolve potential problems early on, and allows both parties to meet their needs.
Too often we shout, judge, criticize or not communicate at all. This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.
In his book "Nonviolent Communication", Marshall Rosenberg lays down a framework that he created, which enables people to express their needs and make inquiries without negative behavior. Using this method can make it easier to ask for what you want, and it also gives you a better chance of actually getting it. It's a technique I wish I had known much earlier, but one that I'm now using to great effect.
It is a four-step process:
Convert judgments into observations.
So instead of saying, "You never listen to me" (quite an emotionally charged statement), you would say, "I see you check your phone when I try to speak to you," which is more factual and is less likely to trigger a defensive response.
Say how you feel.
Express how you feel without guilt or judgment. Instead of saying, "I really needed you and you weren't there," express your feelings like, "I really felt alone." This is a powerful way of expressing yourself and taking responsibility for our feelings.
State your needs in relation to you and your values.
Instead of saying, "You have to change the way you treat me", you would say, "I have to be respected as a person."
Ask what you want.
Start with "Would you like / would like …?" For example: "Would you be ready to put your phone down if we have a conversation?" By phrasing your request this way, the other person will be able to say no, which means they don't feel compelled or pressured and in return are more likely to say yes.
Here is an example of the four-step process:
“I see you check your phone when I try to speak to you. I am frustrated. I appreciate to be heard. Would you be ready to hang up your phone if we have a conversation? "
3. Stand strong (even if you are afraid).
As a recovering human lover, I always shied away from standing up for myself. I would rather agree than confront. Life was more peaceful when I just smiled and nodded. However, this is not a healthy strategy.
With my father he had to acknowledge his actions and take responsibility for them. Any attempt to bring up the subject of his behavior towards my mother and me has resulted in denial, false accusations, and even aggression. Fear would bring me back down
But you have to stay strong even if you are afraid. If a problem is important to you, don't let it brush under the carpet to fester. Addressing problems head-on gives you an opportunity to resolve them. It gives you (and them) clear boundaries and reduces the likelihood of repetitive behavior.
4. Accept your part.
Nobody is perfect. Relationships are two-person territory. It would be so easy for me to look back and lay it all on my sibling or father, but that would be inaccurate. I must also accept my share of accountability. We all do.
I should have spoken. I should have acted differently under certain circumstances. I should have been honest with how I was feeling. After all, people have nothing against readers. This is not about accepting all guilt. It's all about recognizing your part. It helps you grow as a person.
5. Forgive and let go.
First, you have to forgive yourself. You're human, we all make mistakes. Show yourself the same compassion that you willingly show to others.
Second, when you have had the time (including therapy) and feel able, start forgiving the person, even if you are now estranged. This does not mean that you need to forget what happened, but that the anger, resentment, or other emotion that does not serve you can be lifted from your heart.
I find it very helpful to write a thank you letter (listing what you liked about them and your time together and everything you are grateful for) to help forgive and let go. It helps to focus on the good side of the person (and your relationship) rather than the bad.
Remember, we feel hurt because we have loved and deeply cared for two important parts of a happy life. Letting go enables us to arrive at what is right for us. Use what happened to grow personally and build a better life.
Every life event, whether good or bad, has something to teach us …
I grew so much from my own experiences and use this knowledge to positively influence all other relationships in my life. There is always hope for reconciliation, but for now I am at peace with who I am and I hope you will be too.
About Alex Grace
Alex Grace is a well-being advocate and freelance writer. She is also the content creator at livingprettyhappy.com, a wellness lifestyle website that encourages you to live happier lives. When she's not writing, Alex shares feel-good posts and affirmations on Instagram @livingprettyhappy. You can get your copy of their 5 Reflective Thinking Prompts to help you gain clarity by joining their newsletter.
Typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
