"Everything you can't control teaches you how to let go." ~ Jackson Kiddard
Fellow Perfectionists, I suspect you know what it is like: the constant need to control life and other people to make sure everything goes smoothly and everyone is fine.
It's a crazy, stressful habit as we can only control ourselves. But we do it anyway – because we learned somewhere along the way that this is the only way to protect ourselves (and others).
Perhaps you are trying to control your work and your co-workers because you think you have to to be successful and to make sure that your co-workers do the same quality work, especially when it concerns you.
Perhaps you are trying to control your family because you believe you know what is best for them and you don't trust them to make good decisions and actually enforce them.
Or maybe you try to control every aspect of your life and not leave anything to chance, because when everything is predictable you will never be surprised. You will never fight. You will never fail. They will never confirm your own (or anyone else's) belief that you are incompetent, inadequate, or fundamentally flawed.
Except that it doesn't work that way. In fact, behavior control often fails. In our attempts to make sure nothing painful happens, we cause a lot of pain to ourselves and to the people around us.
And when we try to develop a specific vision of how things should be, we limit the future to what we can imagine – and forget that some of the best things in life completely surprise us. When we are ready and open.
Is it not easy for you to trust the unknown and to open up to him? I understand.
I stayed in unhealthy relationships because I thought I couldn't do better, and I was stuck with the idea of making them work – like they had to work for me to be happy.
I'm trapped in familiar ruts and do the same thing day in and day out because it was predictable (and therefore controllable) when it was also unfulfilled.
But I also opened up to a happy relationship after first walking away from someone who was wrong to me instead of waiting for them to leave me.
And I opened up to new opportunities – I took acting classes, wrote a script with a film mentor, and tried my hand at a new business that I know absolutely nothing about.
I know what it feels like to strictly control life and I know the freedom to let go. Even if I do it inconsistently and imperfectly. I'm in the works and I suspect you are too.
So, my imperfect perfectionists who want to control less and enjoy more, this is for you:
How to let go of the need to control people and life
Do a self-inventory to assess your control habit.
I know the signs only too well from personal experience. How much of it sounds familiar to you?
You grew up in an unpredictable / unsafe environment and learned to control your surroundings and other people in order to protect yourself.
You are a perfectionist and you are scared when things are not right.
You beat yourself up when things don't go the way you imagine because you think it's entirely your fault.
You always need a plan and to keep everything on your schedule and you feel stressed out not knowing what is going to happen and when.
They often envision worst-case scenarios and put a lot of effort and energy into avoiding them.
They have high expectations and standards for themselves and others and are easily disappointed.
You believe in the old adage "If you want something done right, do it yourself" and feel uncomfortable when you trust someone else to do something you care about.
You would prefer to do things yourself rather than be part of a team as you can only control your own efforts.
They believe you know what is best for you and possibly others too.
You micromanage other people and try to get them to follow your advice (often unsolicited).
You believe you have to make a difference, otherwise nothing will ever work for you.
You have a very rigid definition of what it means for things to "work".
You want to present a certain image to the world and cause stress to make sure other people see you that way.
You are closely wounded and have a hard time relaxing from searching for “fire” a lot to make sure nothing bad happens.
Other people have shared that they feel choked around you, like walking on eggshells all the time, waiting for criticism or attack.
Identify the payoff of your control behavior.
We don't do anything unless there's an emotional payoff. The biggest thing for me is the illusion of security.
In my past there have been many times when people have hurt me and I felt powerless and out of control. Taking control of my life is my way of trying to make sure that no one or nothing can hurt me again.
Through controlling I can also feel more comfortable with the unknown – because it is not so frightening if I can make it what I think it has to be.
Finally, controlling allows me to avoid feelings that I don't want to feel.
If I can control my friend's feelings, I don't have to feel the discomfort of accepting his feelings, as I often do as empathy. And I don't need to feel guilty for causing it, as I often (incorrectly) assume.
If I can control other people's perception of myself, I don't have to worry about not being good enough or the pain of reliving my childhood shame when I was regularly referred to as a “worthless whore”.
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If I can control the outcome of my efforts, I don't have to feel insecure about deficiencies that could have led to failure or conflict about whether or not I made the "right" choice.
Identify the negative consequences of your control behavior.
On the other side of the payout, there are negative consequences.
Trying to control life and other people can hurt us …
Physical
We may feel physical symptoms of anxiety such as headache, shortness of breath and a racing heart and may feel constant physical tension (tight shoulders, clenched jaws, as if our whole body was pulled into a fist that we try to punch the world for her) imposing our will). We may also have trouble sleeping because we lie in bed at night worrying about what we cannot control and worrying about all the bad things that could happen.
Emotional
While controlling can allow us to avoid some emotions, it also causes stress and frustration (when we struggle against reality), anger, resentment and disappointment (when we try to force other people to do our will ) and possibly shame and self-loathing (as we judge ourselves for not controlling things that we think we could control).
Spiritual
If we engage in distorted thinking (which I will go into in a moment), we can feel fear and eventually sink into depression.
Social
If other people feel judged, manipulated, restricted or in the worst case abused, they can distance themselves from us for reasons of their own health and freedom.
Professionally
If we try to control the people we work with and the results of teamwork, we can become alienated from colleagues or miss opportunities because people don't want to work with us.
Recognize the thoughts, fears and beliefs that determine your control habit.
I've always said I'm a control freak, like it's just part of my nature, but control isn't who I am and I wasn't born that way. It's a learned behavior and something I turn to in response to certain thoughts (cognitive biases, as mentioned above), fears, and beliefs.
Here are some of the cognitive distortions that often precede my control behavior and that may sound familiar to you:
Filter: See only the negative in a situation and exercise control to fight it. For example, you may only see the negatives in your job and this creates a lot of stress in your job search.
Black and white / all-or-nothing thinking: Thinking that it has to be like this, otherwise everything will fall apart.
Over-generalization: Formation of a negative conclusion on the basis of an evidence; Expect something bad to happen over and over again because it happened once, and then control it to avoid it.
Catastrophic: Exaggerate the negative in your current situation, expect a disaster to occur and try to control the future to avoid it. This is my specialty! "OH NO! Sales are declining. We will lose everything! I have to turn things around NOW!"
Control error (the obvious one): think we have more control than we do; For example, we think we are responsible for other people's pain and happiness, and when they are upset, we did something wrong – something that we need to change or correct in order to control how they feel.
Should: Think we know how people should behave, including ourselves.
Error of Change: I think we would be happy if other people would just change and put pressure on them to do so.
Here are some of the fears that often fuel control behavior:
If X doesn't happen, everything will fall apart or it will be worse than now.
If they don't do what I think they should, they'll get hurt (or hurt worse than now).
If I can't do this, I'll get hurt.
When things don't happen the way I see fit, I am given up or rejected.
If I can't control the future, I may not be able to deal with it.
And finally, here are some of the beliefs that often fuel control behavior:
I know what is best for me and others.
People are better off allowing me to step in or take the wheel.
Other people cannot be trusted to do the right thing or to make good decisions for themselves.
I have 100 percent control over my success or failure.
Things have to go according to plan, or bad things will happen.
Practice self-confidence and challenge your thoughts, beliefs and fears.
The goal is to catch ourselves when we control and recognize the thoughts, fears and beliefs that drive us – and how this negatively affects us and the people around us. But I know from my own experience how difficult it is to catch ourselves in a moment, to recognize our behavior and to make another choice.
So for the time being, think as an exercise of a time when you were trying to control a situation or person and identify the thoughts, fears and beliefs that drove you.
Here is an example from personal experience: I am currently waiting to move into a house that will not be available as soon as I thought it is because the current tenant is staying longer than expected.
I have tried repeatedly to make things happen sooner than they might otherwise because I am pregnant. and I am anxious to "nest", get my toddler used to his new environment before his brother comes, and find my new doctor near our future home.
I know that I have dealt with black and white thinking and disasters and said to myself: “We have to get on there soon, otherwise I may not find the right doctor, or I will work in temporary accommodation or the bad one My son's sleep could get worse because he is not in his own room yet … "
I know I am afraid that it will be emotionally exhausting if we stay in limbo for much longer (ironic, since I drained myself emotionally with worry and control!)
And I also know that I acted on the wrong belief that I know what is best – that we can get in there ASAP – and nothing else is satisfactory.
As a result of all this, I cause myself stress and anxiety and also emphasize my friend who can only do so much.
Challenging these thoughts, fears and beliefs is the key to letting go. And it looks like this:
– We don't have to do anything. There are always multiple options available, and accepting this is key to finding them.
– Even if we don't move in until after I'm born, everything will be fine because we will meet all of our needs, we will all have each other and we are strong enough to cope with an unexpected plot change and whatever that may mean.
– Maybe I don't know what is best. Maybe we would like the interim plan we chose. Maybe something amazing will happen that would only have happened because of this change of plan. I just don't know so it's safe to let go
The reality is that I have to keep questioning these thoughts and beliefs because they come up a lot. At least for me, letting go isn't a one-off decision. But every time I do, I feel relief. And that's when I stop pushing. I stop stressing. I stop burdening the people around me. And I create the opportunity to actually be in that moment when there is much more right than wrong and to enjoy a lot when I am ready to realize it.
Is there someone or something that you want to control now? What's behind it? What do you think, what are you afraid of, what beliefs do you feed yourself into? What would you do differently if you thought differently? And what would change around you if you made that change in yourself – and acted on it?
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* This is the third post in a five-part series on Letting Go that repeats the topics of my Guided Meditation / EFT Tapping Package ($ 99 USD) – now as a FREE Bonus on Tiny Buddha Available Mindfulness Kit (which is now available for $ 39). You can find the first post on introducing the series here and the second post on letting go of the permit here.
The Mindfulness Kit contains four aromatherapy-based products, a guide for daily meditation practice and three digital guides for daily rest .
Do you want less stress and tension and more peace and presence? Get the Mindfulness Kit and get instant access to the meditations and digital bonuses here.
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