“It is easy to judge. It's harder to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that sometimes good hearts choose bad methods. By judging we part. We grow through understanding. “~ Doe Zantamata
"Why doesn't he say anything?"
I was sitting at the dining table with my partner and friends. Everyone but my partner interacted and talked to each other. He just sat quietly. I had to admit, this situation made me very uncomfortable.
Why was he so quiet? We'd been together for over six months and usually when it was just the two of us he was very talkative, we had lively discussions, he knew his opinions and wasn't afraid to speak up. But now, at dinner with friends, he was a shadow of his normal self.
To be honest, I was a little embarrassed. What would my friends think? Did you judge him quietly too? Did you think he was boring and uninteresting?
When we got home I was irritated and angry. Have you ever had this feeling when all you really want is to be brutally honest with someone? To explain exactly what they did wrong and how to act instead? I wanted to teach him. To tell him, "It's rude not to interact at social gatherings. It's weird. Can't you behave? It's sloppy! What's wrong with you? What's your problem?"
I didn't tell him these things. Instead, I let what had happened sit with me for a few days. Slowly I began to twist the finger I was pointing at him. Maybe it wasn't just about him, maybe it had something to do with me?
That's when I noticed. He didn't have a problem. I was!
I realized that my upbringing had given me certain values and "truths" about relationships and social interactions. How to behave: You actively participate in conversations, anything else is considered impolite. You ask people questions and share stories at social gatherings. Otherwise, people will think you are not interested. I learned that as an adult.
Since my partner did not act in accordance with what I was taught, I judged him. Instead of wondering why he is acting the way he is, I've put labels on him. When we got home, I had called him in my mind as rude, boring, confident, and not up to the standards I wanted a friend to do.
Now, eight years later, I know that my husband was quiet during dinner because he needs more time with new people before he is completely comfortable. He didn't do it because he was rude. On the contrary, I know that he cared a lot for me and my friends, he just showed it in a different way.
When I understood that, I knew that my judgment really had nothing to do with him – it was all about me. In assessing my partner, I realized that I was judging myself the most. My judgment was never about him – it was about me.
This insight brought me not only more compassion, less judgment and more closeness in our relationship, but also a new perspective and new values that made my life better.
Below are the steps I followed:
1. Identify: What is your judgment about someone?
The first step is to be aware of the judgments you make about other people. In my case, it was thoughts like "He's rude and clumsy", "I'm better than him at social intercourse" and "Maybe we're not a good match?" I need someone who can interact socially. “Often times, judgments involve feeling superior, knowing better, or behaving better than other people.
Just become aware of the judgments you make (without judging yourself for having them). This is the first step in transforming the judgment.
2. Ask yourself: What should this person be instead?
In the specific situation, ask yourself how you think the other person should be or act instead. What do you think is the best behavior in the situation? Be honest with yourself and write exactly what comes to mind. Don't hold back here.
In my case, I wanted my partner to be fully involved in the discussions. I wanted him to be talkative, interested, and curious about my friends.
3. Go deeper: Why is it important to be like this?
Be curious and ask yourself why it is important to be or act the way you prefer. If a person does not do so, what does it signal about the person? What is the consequence of not being or acting as you wish?
To me, social skills mean good manners and that you can behave appropriately. I used to think that people who, in my opinion, were not behaving “right” at the time, were not being taught well by their parents. I called them uninteresting and didn't contribute to the group. (Now I know better, but more on that soon).
4th spot: What is the basic value of your judgment?
Ask yourself what underlying values and beliefs fuel your judgments. What is the story you tell yourself about the specific situation? Be brutally honest here.
In my case it was the following: Being unsocial is negative and means weakness. Not being socially qualified is awkward and strange. It means that you are less – less able, less skilled, less smart / intelligent, and ultimately less worthy. (Just for clarification, this was my judgment and my uncertainty, and it is obviously not the truth.)
Through my upbringing I had learned that social skills are valued. I have been taught to be talkative, engage in social interactions, and articulate well. If you failed to meet these expectations, you have felt inferior and less worthy.
5. Make a choice: keep or replace your values?
Once you have defined your underlying values and beliefs, there is a choice you need to make: either keep them or replace them. And the crucial questions are: Do your values and beliefs serve you or not? Do they meet your moral standards and aspirations?
I have decided to replace my values. Instead of evaluating people based on their social skills, I have replaced that value with acceptance, respect, curiosity and equality. As much as I wanted to judge someone by their skin color, gender, or ethnicity, I didn't want to judge someone by how they behaved socially.
Instead, I made a conscious decision to accept and respect all people for who they are. And to be curious and kind, because in my experience anyone you meet can teach you something.
Convert the judgment to your advantage
Looking back on dinner with my partner, I was so close to falling into the trap. To get into a fight where I would seriously injure my partner and create a separation between us. It took courage to twist the finger of judgment I pointed at him and turn it to me instead.
I realized that my underlying values and beliefs had consequences, not only for those around me, but also for me. They implied that if someone is having a bad day and doesn't feel like interacting, that is not okay. That others and I are not allowed to be ourselves and appear as we are (talkative or not).
I realized that the values from which my judgment was derived not only led me to judge my partner, but also led me to judge myself. I couldn't just show up. I realized that my upbringing had made me feel insecure and insecure. Sure, I had learned how to interact and be the center of attention. But the underlying painful feeling was there. I had to be an entertainer. I always had to smile and be in a good mood. I had to be curious and ask other people questions.
If not, I would be excluded. I only felt accepted when I was happy, sociable, and enthusiastic. That was stressful and didn't make me feel safe.
To my surprise, my partner became more social and talkative at social gatherings when I stopped judging him. Why? Because he'd probably sensed my judgmental look before, and that made him even more uncomfortable and introverted. When I stopped judging, he felt acceptance and respect. And that, in turn, made it easier for him to be himself, even at social gatherings.
The bottom line is: when you judge someone, he always comes back to you. What I discovered was that because I was judging others, I was also very hard on myself. The more I've worked on this process, the more forgiving, accepting, and loving I've become.
Next time you judge someone, stop and think. Follow the five steps and remember: It is important to be honest, vulnerable, and curious.
Free yourself from the chains of judgment and allow acceptance, compassion and liberation to occur – both for yourself and for others. You got that!
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