"Trust is not" you will like me. "Trust is" I'm fine when they don't "." ~ Christina Grimmie
Nobody likes rejection. Some people have become familiar with it, maybe even labeled it as something positive, but most of us prefer that others approve of us and our decisions.
It gives us a sense of security to know the people around us like us, to understand us, to support our decisions and in general to think that we are good people who deserve love, respect and kindness. We feel confident about our social structure and can be sure that we are not alone when we need people most.
But the requirement of consent – from all people at all times – can be extremely painful and limiting. And getting the consent of the masses is a breeze, as no one is liked by everyone and no one can make sure that everyone they know is okay with everything they do.
We are all different; We all have different backgrounds, value systems, perspectives, desires, needs, priorities and goals. And we are all prone to opinions and judgments. Try to stay neutral and open-minded.
When it's easy to know these things, it's easy to let go of the habit of seeking approval! I know it is not that easy to recover people who recover. So today I want to share with you my main pros and cons to let go of the need for approval.
To all those sensitive souls out there, like me, who interpret recognition as love and security …
Take stock of your behavior in seeking approval.
Does any of these sound familiar to you?
They change or hold back your mind depending on who is around you.
You do things that are contrary to your values, beliefs, and better judgment because you don't want to disappoint other people.
You often apologize to make sure you don't upset people.
They accept abuse or avoid speaking up when someone breaks a boundary.
You say yes when you want to say no.
You rethink decisions you previously felt good about when someone questions you or your plan.
You are concerned when someone disagrees with you and you need to defend yourself to make sure they don't think less of you.
You need other people who always see your side of a story and acknowledge that you didn't do anything wrong.
You take criticism personally, even if it's constructive, and worry that the critic will judge you.
You are constantly defending yourself and explaining your actions to others to make sure they understand that you are indeed a good person.
Don't try to tackle them all at once.
If you are a hardcore lover, there is a good chance that much of this list will resonate with you, and you may even be able to add to it.
It would be incredibly overwhelming to try not to do all of these things at once. Instead, pick one to work on today and work on it daily until you feel comfortable moving on to another.
Here's a great way to address each of these behaviors:
Identify your triggers
Identify the thoughts and emotions that normally drive your philanthropic behavior
Practice sitting with these thoughts and emotions and calm yourself down
For example, I know that I often feel compelled to defend myself when I think people think less of me – without having all the facts – and that's not fair. This triggers childhood pain when someone I knew frequently lies about me to other people who believe them and then judge me.
This happened recently when my sister told my extended family around the country that I had a long list of rules for visiting this year, but she did not say that I was being extra careful because I was pregnant and therefore one high risk (because I was still in my first trimester and wasn't comfortable sharing this information).
I panicked thinking they would all judge me to be unreasonable and intrusive – without knowing the full story – and I finally let my mother explain to me that I was pregnant. But I did it from a place of fear, not joy, which I seriously regretted later that night.
In retrospect, I wish I had taken a break, recognized my story / its trigger "It's not fair, you don't know the truth" from childhood and breathed through fear of a judgment. But well, life gives us plenty of opportunities to practice!
Trust other people to communicate their thoughts, feelings and needs.
I used to spend a lot of time anticipating people's thoughts, feelings, and needs in order to avoid disappointing, angry, or angry with someone.
For example, I could have gone through a story because I was worried that the other person was feeling bored and wished I would just stop talking. I might have apologized for sharing something from my past because I was worried that I might have gotten too personal and the other person was feeling uncomfortable. Or I would have said "don't care" after asking about something I wanted because I was worried that the other person wanted to say no but didn't know how.
The last one was really just a projection. Because I hated saying no and I often refused to be put in a situation where I had to do it, I imagined other people feeling the same way.
But that's the thing: we don't know what other people feel, want and need, and we cannot be expected to know if they don't tell us. So we don't have to imagine what's going on in her head. We can only own our part, the story or the request, and let it own its own: its response.
We are not responsible for the feelings of others, we do not have to anticipate them, and if they want us to do something or stop, they have to communicate this.
DO NOT believe that small things will destroy your relationships.
When we emphasize the potential of disappointing someone by saying no or setting a limit, we really worry that our relationships cannot handle small conflicts or dissonances.
If we trusted that our relationships could survive minor disruptions, we would feel more comfortable speaking our minds. We would also feel more comfortable if we really internalized this anonymous quote:
"Any relationship that you have that could be ruined by talking about your feelings, standards and / or expectations was initially not stable enough."
In order to trust these two things, we have to ask ourselves some pretty pointed questions:
Why don't you feel safe in your relationships?
Do you choose relationships with people who are not good for you and why?
What past wounds are fueling your insecurities and how can you work to heal them?
What is the use of staying in relationships that you feel insecure about? What can you avoid
What would you have to do or stop doing to believe that you are worth strong relationships that can handle conflicts both large and small?
Practice rocking the boat.
The only way to overcome a fear is to face it. So practice facing your fear, upsetting people, and possibly being rejected. Say no, set a limit, speak up, and start in your safest relationship.
You can also try rocking the boat when the stakes are low. For example, if you get the wrong food in a restaurant and you usually just say, "It's okay, I like salad too," talk and ask what you actually ordered.
Or if you usually stay calm in a Zoom meeting because you fear your ideas are stupid, try saying, "I have an idea, I haven't fully worked it out, but …" The second part can give you permission to say something that may or may not be well received because hey you told them! It's just the seed of an idea!
And when you are feeling really brave, practice noticing when you are acting out of fear – when you are afraid of being rejected, of losing affection from someone, or of being excluded from a group – and see this fear as a challenge, to be honest. To feel the fear and do it anyway, to know that you are strong enough to deal with the result.
Don't be hard on yourself if this is difficult for you.
It sounds simple enough – just rock the boat! But this will likely mean going against every instinct in your body and doing something that will inflict deep wounds in childhood and make you feel incredibly vulnerable and insecure. Just as you may have felt as a child when you were rejected by your parents or colleagues for being different or imperfect.
If you have trouble reacting to old triggers in new ways, or going back to old patterns, agree anyway. Practice loving yourself even if you don't meet your own expectations.
The more we agree with ourselves, the less it will hurt if other people disapprove of it, because we will know that even if they disagree with our decisions or opinions, we do not deserve disapproval for who we are People are. The only way we'll ever believe in is to go first – by giving ourselves unconditionally, even when it's difficult.
I always struggle with that. I often relate my opinions and decisions to who I am as a person, which means that to reject anything about me means rejecting all of me. Which brings me to my next suggestion …
Change your perspective on rejection.
It is easy to take rejection personally, like a statement about our worth – even if someone rejects an opinion or something as trivial as a joke. By not laughing. Or not laugh out loud enough. (Was that a shame laugh? OMG, my joke was so stupid!)
Instead, practice seeing rejection of ideas and opinions as one of two things:
Reinforce that we are all different and that's fine
Reinforcement that it's okay to be imperfect and an opportunity to improve
Using a simple example, when I accept a post on the blog, I usually send changes and new title ideas. Occasionally, writers turn down my title ideas and I realize they were a little clunky and then feel a little embarrassed not to offer a better idea.
I've tried to see this as a reminder that if my first idea isn't a winner, it's okay because I can try again and again and do better. It doesn't matter if I do everything perfectly right away, it just matters that I stick with it long enough to do my best.
And now, speaking of the kind of rejection that almost always feels personal – for example, when someone does not want to be in a relationship with you – I love this powerful piece of advice from Amanda Buddha associate Amanda Graham:
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"If someone rejects you for whatever reason, it is because the two of you are not a good match – you just saw it first. After all, you would have seen it too."
Not a good fit. Which means rejection says nothing about who you are. It says something about the two of you together. None of you are wrong or unworthy or inappropriate. They just don't go well together. But to fully believe this, you must commit to the following …
Don't think you deserve to be rejected.
That really matters, I think. We want approval because we want to avoid reaffirming the deep belief that we are simply not good enough. But many of us affirm this belief through our unconscious choices.
We hold on to relationships that are not good for us and try to prove ourselves to people who do not deserve us because we deep down believe that we do not deserve to be treated better.
We stay in unfulfilled jobs and accept less than we are worth for our time and talents because we do not believe that our time or talents are valuable.
We get into a rejection loop – we put ourselves in the position of being rejected because we reject ourselves, and we see the rejection as proof that we should reject ourselves. And through all of this we keep looking for approval. From people who don't value us, in situations that are below us.
In a way, striving for approval means rejection, because people who like it often care about people who don't appreciate them because we work skillfully to get approval where we are least likely to get it . Maybe because it sounds familiar to me.
The only way to break the cycle is to decide that we don't deserve to be rejected even if we have been rejected in the past, and to strengthen that belief by practicing not to reject ourselves .
That means not denying our needs – taking a break when we are tired, feeling our feelings instead of stuffing them, and doing whatever we need to do for our physical, mental and emotional health without breaking up the others to wait for permission.
This means not to reject our values, beliefs and priorities – to do what is best for us, whether other people agree or would do the same, knowing that we don't need someone to confirm our decisions as "right" in order to knowing them is right for us.
And it means not to reject who we are at our core – to affirm that we are worthy, valuable people by what we accept. Even if we are imperfect. Even if we sometimes upset other people. Even when we say or do things that we later regret. Because we are always learning and growing and that is nothing to be ashamed of, it is a reason to be proud.
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I wrote earlier that I am a recovering human lover because I am not completely free from the habit of seeking approval. I don't know if I will ever be, and I wonder if anyone will ever be, as this is such an integral part of human nature – and to some extent it shows consideration and respect for others.
While people who are comfortable can often be traced back to trauma or rejection, this is also a sign that we care about other people – their wants, needs and feelings – and we would rather see them happy than upset .
But I think it is possible to feel less anxious in relationships, no longer to be afraid of possible rejection, and less to be controlled by the need to get approval at all times. And that's what I strive for: to please from an emotionally healthier place, so I act out of love, not fear.
I hope this helps you do the same so that you can feel more secure in your relationships – and in yourself.
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** This is the second post in a five part letting go series that repeats the themes of my Guided Meditation / EFT Tapping Package ($ 99.00) – now as a FREE Bonus on Tiny available Buddha's mindfulness kit. You can find the first article here.
This stress relief / relaxation kit contains four aromatherapy-based products, a guide for daily meditation practice and three digital guides for daily rest .
This year, stop waiting for permission to be yourself and live the life you want to live. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Take care of yourself. Get the Mindfulness Kit and get instant access to the meditations and digital bonuses here.
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