“The most important thing is not to stop asking. Curiosity has its own reason to exist. "~ Albert Einstein
“I don't want to live anymore. I don't wanna be here I can not do that. It hurts so bad. It is too hard. "
I am curious how often I have heard these words in my life. From different people, age groups, genders, ethnicities and walks of life. The words are the same, the severity is no different from one to the next. Hopelessness has a certain tone. Flat, low and empty.
As the child of a parent who has committed suicide, a familiar inner fear overcomes me when I hear these words. A hyper-vigilant and turning on, knowing it's time to roll up my sleeves.
As a psychotherapist, a checklist goes through my head to make sure that I am asking all the right questions when assessing the level of pain you have.
As a human being, a warm wave of compassion takes over as I feel about what that particular soul needs.
After asking the typical safety questions and realizing that this person has no significant risk of ending their life, I ask, “What is the ultimate goal here? What do you think will happen after you die? Where will you go How will you feel What will feel different when you're dead than now? "
The answers vary from “It is getting dark and nothing, no feeling, no existence” to “I will be in heaven and be done with it”, but mostly they say: “I don't know. ”
I sometimes ask, "Well if you don't know how can you guarantee it's better? What if it's worse? What if you have to relive it all? What if you're in stuck in a dark abyss and can't get out? "
More than once they have not thought it through. They don't think about what's next, mostly because they really say, "I don't want to feel this way anymore."
I understand that. We all have these moments.
Then I keep digging:
“How do you know that your miracle is not around the corner? How do you know if you give the opportunity to go another day there won't be relief tomorrow? How about being curious about what's next instead of assuming everything will be just as miserable?
Since you haven't always felt this way, is it possible that one day you will feel joy and freedom again?
If you look at your past you will find that you have had many fears and low moments. Have they stayed the same or have they changed? Most of your fears didn't arise, and if you did, you survived them – you made it. You may even have learned something or strengthened your ability to be brave.
If you turn around you can see that there is lifelong evidence that your world is constantly changing and changing. You will see many moments when it felt like things were not going in the direction you wanted, but you will likely see the same number of moments that led you to exactly what you needed. Use this as proof that your surprise will be just around the corner. "
During these conversations my own curiosity reappears. I often think about whether my mother kept going a little longer with what her life would have been like. I wonder if another drug would have helped her. Or when the words of an inspiring book have given her hope to move on. Or if the feel of the sun on her face kissed her long enough to want a little more.
What if she clung to curiosity about what was to come instead of deciding that there were no surprises or joy left? Would she have felt the bittersweet moment when she graduated me from high school? Would she have been there to cheer me on when I got my Masters degree, hoping to help people like her? Would she have held my daughter, her first grandchild, and cried with joy when she knew she'd made it?
Who knows what her life would have been like if she had lasted one more day? I'll never know, but I'm curious.
I've sat with countless children and adults while they are deep in pain. I hurt for them, cry for them and feel hope for them too. I wonder out loud what's going to happen next that we can't see.
I saw pregnancies coming when hope was gone, new relationships were formed, when those involved were sure that they would never feel loved again, when new jobs appeared out of nowhere at exactly the “right” time. I have seen disease dissipate as people began to take care of themselves, building moments of joy in the hearts of those who were sure there was no light left.
The truth is, we don't know what's going to happen next, but we know we made it this far. How do we know tomorrow isn't exactly what we've been waiting for?
I think our basic feeling as humans is peace. The loving calm that fills us when we are in the presence of those we adore. The kind of whole that we feel when we've done something that we're proud of and that we reconnect with the love we're made of. How we feel when we give love to others and how we feel when that love is returned.
I also believe that the human experience is full of struggle, hardship and challenge. I don't think we can get out of there. I believe we are endowed with the strength to lean on our pain to let it pass through us. Use our experience as strength and knowledge for the next wave of frustration.
I do not believe that we should suffer, but learn to thrive in the face of need and use hope as a steering wheel to guide us through knowledge, even if the light may not be at the very front of us it's just around the corner.
And the more we apply this belief and our practices that support us, the faster we can return to the peace that lies below.
How about allowing curiosity in difficult times? Not only to acknowledge – and feel – the feeling in front of us, but also to allow what is to come.
All our experiences go hand in hand with the free will to decide how we react to it. With openness and amazement or dismissal and resistance. It's also okay to feel it all at once. The feelings will pass. You always do.
The next time you feel trapped in a feeling or what feels like a never-ending experience, think about it, I wonder what will become of it. I wonder what I'll win I wonder what strengths I will develop and how I will support myself. I wonder what beauty is on the other side of this pain. Do not push it through, but surrender to it.
Then allow yourself to be curious. Be open You never know what surprises the day may bring. Maybe today is the day everything changes. Or maybe tomorrow. You may not know the day, but you can be ready and open when it arrives.
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