"Sometimes the worst things that happen to us align with the best things that happened to us." ~ Unknown
Child sexual abuse victims who speak up are incredibly brave and vulnerable. When a child comes to you for support, watch your energy and reactions. If you need to ask them questions for a better understanding, pay attention to your tone, body language, and intonation.
When I was sexually assaulted at the age of thirteen, I did not tell anyone because I feared I would be punished.
I grew up in a house where I was trained not to show too much skin and always to avoid the male gaze. I was wearing a skirt the day I was raped. I knew I was going to be blamed and punished somehow, so I kept quiet.
As an adult, I learned through spirituality that I had to change my view of rape survivors and myself. None of us "asked about it".
When addressing a rape survivor, it is important to use consent-oriented etiquette and language. There are a multitude of words and phrases that you should never say.
Be gentle with sexual assault survivors. Rape is a sensitive and triggering issue. When someone comes to you for help, ask them what they need and if there is anything you can do for them.
Listen. Check them in.
Look beyond your assessments of the situation and just be there to support them as best you can. Take care of yourself and your energy while helping others.
Normally I would only ask questions if you have to. Some people don't want to share details of a traumatic experience. That is understandable.
If an investigation requires you to ask any of the following questions, watch your tone. Avoid judgments and sentences that sound judgmental.
It can even be helpful to say, "Rape is never the victim's fault. I just need to ask you a few questions to get a better picture of what happened. Is that okay with you?"
Just say what needs to be said. Just ask what needs to be asked. You may want to dig deeper, but in the end you may say the wrong thing and keep retraumatizing them.
Rape survivors must be heard.
How would you want to be treated if you asked someone for help? Give them the most compassion and unconditional love that you can channel from your innermost being. That's the best way to support them.
To move from our current culture of rape to a culture of consent, we need to change the thoughtless reactions we have towards victims of sexual abuse.
Why is it common to ask: "Was she drunk?" Why do people ask what someone was wearing at the time of sexual assault?
It is common because society has taught us to judge instead of love. In a culture of consent, the mindset is different.
In a culture of consent we know that it doesn't matter if someone has been drinking. Nobody deserves rape.
In a culture of consent there is less guilt and more compassion. Compassion is key to creating a culture of consent.
Compassion in a culture of consent means extending unconditional love to survivors of sexual assault. We can no longer live the way we are as a society. The time for change is now.
In order to implement this cultural change we can only start with ourselves, our thoughts and our reactions to rape survivors.
I have compiled the following list to help you take an important step in this direction.
44 things that should NEVER be said to a rape survivor
1. What did you wear?
2. Were you drunk?
3. How did it happen? (Ask them if they'd like to share what happened. Listen carefully and don't overdo their story. Respect the way they share their story. Don't interrupt, letting them know that they are free to speak to themselves This question is only required for law enforcement officers and health professionals who need to know the details in order to assist the survivor.)
4. Did you scream?
5. Why didn't you scream?
6. You really need a gun.
7. I know of a self-defense class you should go to.
8. Your outfit was very sexy.
9. How could that happen to you again?
10. Did you say "no"?
11. Did you fight back?
12. You've already had sex, so what's the difference?
13. You're a guy, supposed to like it.
14. Rape is every man's dream. (A girl told me this when I was chalking in NYC in 2015.)
15. How can a girl rape a boy?
16. Rape cannot happen during marriage.
17. There is no point in crying about it.
18. You have to let go of your anger.
19. Are you sure it was rape?
20. Weren't you together?
21. Why didn't you get a rape kit?
22. Have you had sex since then?
23. You should have screamed "fire".
24. Why didn't you report it?
25. I thought you liked him / her / her.
26. It's your fault.
27. You shouldn't have gone with them.
28. You asked about it.
29. You wore that.
30. You carried it on.
31. This is not rape.
32. That was sex. You could have avoided it.
33. You should have protected yourself.
34. You shouldn't have been out too late.
35. You shouldn't have been drinking.
36. You shouldn't have gone to that party.
37. That would never happen to me.
38. You're smarter than that.
39. Stop putting yourself in such situations.
40. It could be worse.
41. Overcome it.
42. It's not that big of a deal.
43. I hope you have learned your lesson.
44. There are some things that you could have done differently.
Instead of blaming or shaming someone who has been traumatized, hold back these thoughts. Just focus on how you can be a friend to them in their time of need. If they came to you for help, it means they trusted you.
Spirituality helped me to recognize my strength and the meaning of my voice. It taught me to feel sorry for myself and for other survivors. Sexual assault recovery can be catapulted when the rape survivor has a loving, supportive team of people to go to in times of need.
How can you create this kind of safe space for the sexual assault survivors in your life? How can you create this safe space for yourself?
About Amber Amour
Amber Amour is a holistic healer and life coach who specializes in working with sexual assault survivors from all walks of life: LGBTQ, adult entertainers, and more. In their Consentopia e-book series, you'll find out everything you need to know about consent and healing after sexual assault. Click here on the following link for the Consentopia e-book series: www.amberamour.com/shop
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