"Difficulties in your life do not destroy you, but to help you to recognize your hidden potential and power, let the difficulties know that you are difficult too." ~ Abdul Kalam
Do you sometimes dream that your mother is gone and all your problems with her go away?
I also imagined that.
When mom was in the intensive care unit and wavered between life and death, I sat outside in shock, shivered all over my body and tried to understand the doctor's words: “Your condition is critical and only time will tell when she will make it. I'm so sorry. "
For a moment I imagined that Mama would die right there in that old hospital building with rotundas, pylons and stucco ceilings.
And the thought that she wouldn't return to my life felt like a relief. It felt great: I could finally relax and live my own life … Then the moment passed and the muscles tightened around my chest, suffocating me with the energy of a rested animal.
My mother was a fighter and survived despite all adversities. We had another thirteen years together and moved between bad and awful. Then, just before the end, everything changed unexpectedly. It was nothing short of a miracle … or was it?
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water
The thing is, you can run away or go out of touch with the outside world and it could bring you temporary relief. But sooner or later, if you don't stop running and heal yourself, history will catch up with you.
Don't get me wrong – in extreme cases, the only way to save yourself is to get away from your tormentor. Most of the cases of family tension, however, involve a cavalry of unhappy fighting women who have never felt loved by their mothers and therefore do not know how to love us. Generations of unhappiness and unnecessary suffering.
It is like being part of the machinery, a cog in a wound watch that runs until someone forgets to wind the watch or a cog is out of synch and sabotages the entire mechanism.
You can be that disrespectful, rebellious gear and break out of a generational abuse pattern as long as you have the will to heal. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
What on earth do you mean?
Let me explain.
You are YOU because of your mother
I suspect your mother never really listens or when she does she turns on you. She is critical, hurtful in her remarks and she controls your life with a tough hand. And she loves to complain about her life all the time, about how hard it is, how lonely and unnoticed she feels, and how tired she is of being left without help.
These complaints drive you crazy – you have enough worries of your own. You may still be too angry and angry to find understanding and empathy for your troubled mother. I understand.
At your core, I know that you are kind and sensitive, a good listener and a sensitive person. You understand the pain of others because you've been there too. Even if you don't always know what to say, you know how to be there for another person.
But you are also a fighter. You have to be because your mother is trying to live your life according to her plan, but you will not let it. This life is yours, you are a separate person and only you know what's right for you, so you have to prove to her and yourself that you can be happy on your own.
You fight for your dreams and make them come true one by one. They don't wait for a fairy to come and give you everything you need to be happily served on a plate. Instead, you try little by little to change your life for the better.
You are strong and resilient, more than you think you can.
You see, the "side effect" of being criticized and chastised, of having someone else's will be imposed on you is your ability to think for yourself. You see that your mother's behavior is irrational and confusing, and you question her judgment and decisions. You can sense people who can potentially hurt you and if you listen to your inner voice, you will avoid getting involved with them.
Always remember that this resilient and robust part of you is there and you can connect to it at any time. It may feel like you are angry for good reason – that anger gives you the energy to stand up for yourself. Use it to protect and grow.
You may not see it right now, but your exams are gifts that will help you become a better person. Just zoom out and you will see it – the big picture of your existence.
When the steel was hardened
Every experience we go through is valuable because it teaches us a lesson that we must learn.
Your mother was responsible for you as a child. Well, you are no longer a child. How you feel is now your responsibility. Take it and you will be able to change your life.
And what should be done?
healing.
It takes time, but that doesn't mean you should be working on a treadmill all the time. You should live here and now and enjoy your life; This will help speed up the healing process itself.
Looking back, the most important milestones in my healing were:
# 1 In therapy.
Before therapy, I didn't remember much of my childhood, and these memories I still had were the memories I would rather forget. But the truth is, I didn't want to remember anything good because it wouldn't support the image of a terrible mother I had at the time. My pain and fear absorbed me so much that I couldn't see anything good in Mama at all.
The therapy helped me to remove the anger from my heart and thus to freeze the good memories of my childhood: mother reads good night stories for me every night; Mama makes pretty clothes for me or buys me an outfit that she can hardly afford; Mom is spending her vacation at home so I can take a friend to the Black Sea.
With time it became clear to me that there is no such thing as pure good and bad – we are all mixed up, cocktails made of light and darkness. When we have our shadows, we dismount from a high horse of righteousness and stop pointing the finger at others. We are all human, and that means being flawed.
# 2 Study trauma.
Educating people about child abuse and other trauma-related issues helped me understand the root cause of the problem. It also showed me that I wasn't crazy and none of it was my fault. This healing was possible and necessary if I was to live a happy life of my own. But probably the greatest benefit was knowing that I wasn't alone in this situation.
# 3 Getting curious about my family's story.
Researching my mother's background and understanding her wounds helped me to forgive her later and get on with my life.
# 4 Build boundaries and keep your distance.
The emotional distancing from my mother helped me to rebuild myself as an independent person and not as an extension of her and to set healthy boundaries.
# 5 Become a better daughter.
By learning better communication skills, I was able to connect with my mother on another level and thus minimize new injuries. Better communication means choosing your fights and avoiding some of the unnecessary ones.
For example, if your mother complains about being lonely, you can confirm her experience – just like that! After all, she can live alone, and if, despite all your help, she feels lonely, she has a right to her feelings. So if you say, "I see mom, it has to be tough for you," you can prevent an attack and help her hold on to her feelings.
P.S. You need to sound empathetic and authentic to get the answer you want.
# 6 Continuation of efforts.
If you keep your efforts to keep in touch until the end and always try to reach them, it can pay off later when you least expect change.
Not at any price, however. Use your judgment. In cases where there is a very malicious relationship, it is up to you to keep your distance or avoid contact altogether.
# 7 Maintaining positive relationships.
When you make friends with emotionally healthy people, you can cultivate healthy, healthy relationships and learn better ways of interacting.
Is it easy? Not in the beginning, but you can learn. I know it can be scary, but it will also be worth it. So give it a chance.
Do the work that only you can do
Losing my mother in 2005 would probably have made my life easier in some ways, but would it have helped my healing and growth? Maybe not.
And I would have missed the opportunity to meet another mother in the last year of her life – the one who beamed with a delightful smile on her face when she saw me, bottomless love and appreciation in her eyes. Our mutual forgiveness and hugs – she had never hugged me before!
All the pain and anger towards my mother are gone and I finally feel at peace. Believe it or not, I miss her. I have pictures of her and dad that I took from their apartment after they died. You are in my office now. I say “good morning” to them every day when I enter.
There is work that only you can do. Do it not only for you, but for the next generations of your family and also for the world, which needs friendliness and acceptance more than ever. Stop trying to change your mom and use the energy to build yourself up.
Be angry, sad and hurt – feel everything. Then let go and keep going. If someone can do it, you are, because thanks to your difficult mother you are strong, resilient and have a strong will to change your life for the better.
Do it!
About Irina Bengtson
Irina is the daughter of a narcissistic mother, a clinical psychologist, and the founder of www.LoveGrowBeHappy.com. She combines her expertise with a healing experience to help other daughters of narcissistic, hurtful mothers break free from their dysfunctional relationships. She is a creator of online courses. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO RELAX AND ENJOY LIFE NOW.
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