"You will be amazed at what you wear when you start to believe in what you deserve." ~ Unknown
"You just have to love yourself more."
I have heard this advice so many times when I have felt rejected, inappropriate and not enough. And instead of this advice to help me, I've just felt more rejected, inadequate, and not enough.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't angry with the person who gave me the advice – I was angry with myself for not being able to love myself unconditionally.
It is easier to love yourself when things are going well. When you achieve something, when you feel valued by someone, or when you feel good about yourself and your life. Then the rubber won't get onto the street. Instead, it happens when things aren't going well. If you fail, screw up or find yourself with a heart that's shattered into a thousand pieces.
In those moments of darkness, love and appreciation for me were replaced by judgment, self-hatred and criticism. Then I should do everything about myself.
In those moments when I was in the company of shame, rejection and inadequacy, I was told to love myself more. And frankly, that's a lot easier said than done.
Building a solid sense of self is crucial, there is no doubt about it. However, there are several different ways to create it. If you also fall into the category of people struggling with their self-esteem, here is another approach that really helped me.
You cannot immediately jump from inadequacy to self-love.
At a difficult time in my life, I spoke to a therapist. She told me, like so many before, to focus on loving myself in these dark moments. When I asked her if she was capable of this brilliant advice on her own, she replied, "Oh, I know it's really very difficult."
In theory, something can sound good, but if it is not feasible to put into practice it makes no difference. I needed more specific advice that I could actually use in my daily life.
For years I had the impression that self-love means loving yourself under all circumstances, no matter what. In times of happiness, success, satisfaction, gratitude and joy – as well as in moments of darkness, failure, misery, pain and the feeling of unworthiness.
I later realized that the step I was supposed to take in those moments was too high. I understood that you cannot instantly get angry, hurt, or inadequate to love yourself. It's like asking someone to go up a long flight of stairs in one big step. It's almost impossible.
In my experience, trying to jump too far too fast means preparing for failure. And what does that lead to? Yes, even more frustration, anger and feelings of inadequacy.
Don't get me wrong, it's great to be able to love yourself and tell us, "I love you." However, this can only resonate if you are in a place where you are a little comfortable.
When, in moments of stress, despair and frustration, I tried to get too far on the love scale, I thought: "What the hell are you talking about ?!" Instead of letting these words sink in, my mind has given me a long list of reasons why I don't love myself in this moment.
And you know what? I realized that's perfectly fine. Because it is difficult to think thoughts beyond what we are feeling at a given moment that that emotion is overwhelming. When you are angry, access angry thoughts. When you feel insecure, you get into insecure-related thoughts. When you are feeling hopeful, you have thoughts related to hope.
My point is: we have to go step by step. We cannot expect to feel self-love, self-respect, and self-respect if we are not even close to these things. Instead, we need to take the next logical step that will help us feel better. Then we can take another step in the right direction from here.
Replace love with acceptance
Everything changed for me when I came across these words: "I am enough." According to Marisa Peer, a world-renowned public speaker and pioneering hypnotherapist, these three words will actually change your life.
“In my three decades as a therapist […] I have found that the root of so many modern problems – smoking, overdrinking, compulsive shopping, depression, and overeating – can be traced back to the need to resolve the problem of inner emptiness not feeling enough about external things. "
Although it would be ideal to love each other in all conditions, it is not easy. Maybe it's not even realistic. And I realized that we don't always have to feel love for ourselves. Instead, we need to reach a place of acceptance in these dark moments.
All of our insecurities and sometimes dislikes for ourselves come from a place where we don't feel enough. This time I stood in front of a crowd, sweating and shaking and not feeling competent enough. During those times when I questioned myself in meetings and kept my mouth shut, I didn't feel smart enough. In those moments when I was looking at other people's pictures and comparing myself, I didn't feel pretty enough.
When we have low self-esteem, we don't feel easy enough.
And it's no wonder many of us don't feel enough. This is what the media and advertising keep telling us. "You have to weigh this much to be sexy." "You need this jacket to prove that you are stylish." "You need this car to show people that you made it." All in all, they are taking advantage of our insecurities.
Self-esteem is about your general self-esteem or your personal worth. And to really know and feel that you are worthy, you have to feel that you are enough.
In order to increase your self-esteem, you need to say these simple but powerful words to yourself: "I am enough." To remind yourself over and over (because this is how adults learn: through repetition) that whatever the circumstances, you are enough.
Realizing that was a great relief for me. There was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing important to "fix". There was no need to delve into my past to find out where my self-esteem was being hurt. Instead, it's about repeating yourself and saying that you are enough.
When you fail on a project and screw it up, remind yourself that you are enough.
If you are late for a meeting and feel bad about everyone waiting for you, tell yourself that whatever the situation, you are enough.
When you are rejected, get up, or have a broken heart, keep reminding yourself that you are enough, that you have always been enough, and that you always will be enough.
Feeling enough is the basis that you have to strive for when you feel bad. To remind yourself that no matter what is going on in your life, you are enough. You're smart enough, pretty enough, valuable enough, kind enough, and intelligent enough. You are enough and that is enough.
Focus on your bounce rate
What often makes us fail? That's right if we set the bar too high. Even if we take it to a reasonable level by not loving each other anymore but knowing that we are enough, we still cannot expect to feel enough around the clock (let's be realistic here).
Here's another piece of advice that helped me get back faster and faster than before: When you're diving into a dark hole, focus not on why you lack self-esteem, but on your rebound rate.
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How quickly can you go back from feeling unsafe, inappropriate and embarrassing to feeling sufficient?
Don't count on how often you fall, but on how quickly you come back. When you fall back into negative thoughts and patterns, use it as your signal to change and remind yourself that you are enough.
Remember the three little words
Developing and promoting your self-esteem and esteem is of vital importance in life. It is the key to giving and receiving love. It is the door to self-love, self-respect, and self-compassion. And it starts with feeling enough for who you are.
So use the words "I am enough" as a basis. Keep reminding yourself about this until your mind starts to believe you. Put reminders on your phone, notes in your drawers, and write "I'm enough" on your bathroom mirror.
Just prepare for success and solid self-esteem by constantly telling your mind that you are enough no matter what is going on in your life. "I am enough" is the small but very powerful phrase that increases your self-esteem.
When you fall back into a dark hole, remember that it's not how many times you fall, it's your rebound rate.
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