"Standing up for yourself doesn't make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn't make you overly sensitive. And saying no doesn't make you loveless or selfish. If someone doesn't respect your feelings, needs and limits, that's it It's not your problem. They are. "~ Lori Deschene
In Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, the main character, Atticus Finch, says, “I wanted you to see what real courage is, rather than the idea that courage is a man with a gun in hand. It's when you know you're going to be licked before you start, but you go ahead anyway and see it through no matter what. "
What real courage is.
The message that Atticus Finch delivers is simple but poignant and is so often overlooked in our homes, communities, businesses and society these days.
A quick search for Merriam-Webster reveals her definition of courage as "the mental or moral strength to dare, endure, and withstand dangers, fears or difficulties".
This definition fully supports the message that Atticus Finch has shared with readers and viewers since the early 1960s.
What they do not support, however, is the narrow-minded view of our society that courage is about being tough, dominant, combative, non-compassionate and even violent.
These stereotypes are continuously portrayed in films and television programs, tolerated in our workplaces, widespread in politics and unfortunately conveyed to our children.
What real courage means to me is the ability to go against the grain – to stand up for what may not be popular, for what may even marginalize you, for the betterment of others and yourself.
I would say a good representation of real courage is those who make the difficult decision to speak out against the bullies in the playground who grow up and become bullies in the workplace. Something that I unfortunately know a few things about.
I have spent a large part of my life fighting personal insecurities. Professional help has certainly added to my continued journey to reduce its presence as anyone who is very good at dealing with insecurities knows, but you will never get rid of them completely. You just find ways to manage through and around them.
My insecurities – like a loyal, albeit undesirable companion – made me shy, not confrontational, unworthy, fearful and calm. Coupled with the fact that I was never athletic – a stereotypical and seemingly necessary trait in measuring masculinity in society – I have often been branded an easy target for bullies.
My grandparents, who were always there to offer a compassionate ear without discernment, gave me this advice when I was bullied at school: "Just go away and they'll leave you alone."
While my grandparents no doubt meant well, their advice didn't build my self-esteem so much as it erased what little I had. While their advice actually interrupted the bullying for a short period of time, the cycle would not continue long afterwards.
As I got older, got married, and naturally matured with age, my insecurities in many areas subsided and my days of being bullied seemed to be a different place and time in an existence which is now without such challenges.
But it wasn't long before I realized that bullies don't just exist in the playground.
Unfortunately, I have experienced bullying in the workplace to varying degrees during my career. Throughout all of this, I took my grandparents' advice to "just go away."
Given workplace bullying, which is often influential and powerful in organizations, this seemed like good advice, especially given that the ultimate purpose of the human resources department is to protect the company, not its employees.
But all of that changed recently when I volunteered for some communication professional development courses to better interact with my colleagues as I am currently a remote worker.
While we learn reading, writing and arithmetic in our basic training, we seldom learn the skills to be an effective communicator.
Often what we learn comes from a dialogue between our fellow human beings – in our homes, schools, communities, on television and in the cinema and yes, in our workplaces.
However, not all qualities that we perceive as an effective communicator are rational or authentic.
The online platform I use suggests other courses to take after graduation – one of which was "Workplace Bullying". At first I wanted to bypass the suggestion completely, but thought I might need to read something.
As it turns out, a bullying technique, often referred to as "social bullying by intimidation", is to purposely isolate someone and make it known that you refuse to work with them despite the Relationship is justified.
Society believes that bullying fits into a nice little compartment. That it has to be aggressive and physically or verbally abusive to be branded as such.
But the reality is that bullying takes many forms in schools, in businesses, and even in our homes. It is so much more than just the violent behavior we popularize in headlines and television shows, and as such, it is often dismissed as nothing more than "personality conflicts".
While many see being bullied as a test of courage, I personally believe that the measure of a person's real courage comes after you accuse the aggressor.
Unfortunately, many organizations do not see bullying as a legitimate complaint and often show little empathy for those who point out bullying to them. My situation was no different.
When I finally mustered up enough courage to officially accuse that this refusal to work with me was actually bullying, my superiors implied that I was paranoid and oversensitive and making up observations in my head as if my feelings were becoming not at all justified.
With the exception of my direct manager, everyone implied that I was wasting companies' time on a complaint that I suspect was unfounded even before a single face-to-face interview was conducted.
You never asked me how I was feeling during the whole process. You never told me how brave it was to bring such a difficult matter into the foreground of the company's attention in hopes of making things better for everyone.
I never felt that the company applied empathy to my circumstances and dismissed the consensus of cited investigations designed to substantiate my allegation, claiming they simply could not find any evidence to support my speech.
I wish I could say my workplace bullying complaint was taken seriously, but not. It was swept under the rug quickly after being brought to the attention of management, and I had to wonder if anything positive was actually coming out of the experience.
Granted, my bullying experiences have never reached the incredible proportions that others have endured, and frankly they are more of a shining example of courage than I can ever say myself. But I understand how it feels and this connectedness helps us to realize that we are not alone in our plight.
It is important to remember that courage does not mean that you will emerge victorious. That doesn't mean that the so-called winner in our competitive hierarchy really won much of everything.
Courage stands up for itself when the risks are great and the possible rewards are small.
I now know firsthand why so many cases of workplace bullying go unreported – why so many wonderful people prefer to remain silent and leave organizations they really love rather than stand up for themselves.
That's because the organizations they work for have shamefully failed them during the times when it mattered most.
It is important that you never give up on yourself. Even if you know you have been licked before you start, start anyway and keep trying to do the right thing while holding on and moving forward.
But I want to make it clear that the real courage is to relieve yourself of bullying. To risk alienation and retaliation to benefit not only your own life but the lives of others as well, this person may harass in the future. This is really selfless and shows incredible courage that often goes unnoticed.
Those who are bullied and choose to come forward are often blamed and demoralized instead of being recognized and applauded. What does that say about society if we fire these brave people and at the same time support and encourage the bullies of the world?
I wish I had the answer, but I don't. All I can say for sure is that anyone who claims bullying is a prime example of what real courage is. They deserve our trust, compassion, praise and support, not our judgment.
Fred Rogers once said: "It's not the honors and awards and the extravagant outsides of life that ultimately nourish our souls. It's the knowledge that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that that The foundation of our being is good stuff. "
I stand behind my truth, regardless of the fact that the organization has denied it. And the truth, believed or not, is out there now, subliminally haunting the accuser and hopefully forcing the changes necessary to help everyone in the organization.
Be proud of your truth and stand by it. Take comfort in the fact that even when others try their best to discredit what you say and how you feel, at the end of the day the truth is still the truth.
About Craig Ruvere
Craig Ruvere is an accomplished writer, marketer, and designer based in Northern Colorado. He runs the popular blog The View from Here and gives insights into life, love and everything in between.
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