"Forgiving someone does not mean that their behavior was" OK ". What it means is that we are ready to move on. Let go of the heavy weight. To shape our own lives on our terms without unnecessary burdens Forgiveness is pure freedom – and forgiveness is a choice. ”~ Dr. Suzanne Gelb
It happened again.
I was sitting across from one of my closest family members. The irritation that came from me could almost be felt and touched in the room. Commenting on him and Boom, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire. I couldn't help but feel so upset in these situations that I could barely cope with them.
How could that happen? I was an adult now. I had also worked to forgive this person and get around. But why did I keep falling back into old patterns?
Have you ever had one (or even several) of these moments? An infected relationship with a close family member that just doesn't seem to be healing? And you beat yourself up because you can't resist getting into a fight?
Let me share my story. Growing up one of the closest people in my life was an alcoholic. It was very painful. My childhood was amazing in many ways, but the fact that this person drank too much made the shiny surface fade.
Because of this, I have felt like a victim all my life. Why did this happen to me What did I do to grow up with an alcoholic? Why did I have to fight embarrassment and shame over something he did?
It all seemed so unfair.
In my childhood it was the same routine every evening: looking at the wine bottle, which was slowly but surely getting emptier. Go to bed and listen carefully to noises; Was there a fight or not? Will it scream and scream? Can I sleep through the night?
I had so much grudge against him. How could he do this to me and the rest of my family? His drinking and behavior triggered me in so many ways, and most of the time I felt disconnected, irritable, and disconnected from him.
I wanted to forgive and forget and go on, but how?
I tried to forgive him, believe me, I really tried. But at the end of the day nothing changed. The anger, resentment, and feeling of separation were still there.
But one day something unexpected happened. I suddenly switched my approach to forgiveness and it was different from anything I had done before. Finally I got free. (I'll explain how I did that soon.)
What I realized was the following: A shift in me, not in him, had to take place. This shift has been key to my forgiveness, and in the following steps I will walk you through my process.
1. I stopped thinking and started feeling.
I struggled with the situation from within my head. I tried to "fool" my mind into forgiving and forgetting. But this strategy only kept me further from the root cause and hence further from liberation.
At some point I realized that I had to go deeper to feel the hidden emotions underneath. I had spent so many years believing that I was angry, frustrated, and upset. My concern with him was attack, hatred and resentment.
But among these emotions were the real feelings that I neither could nor wanted to feel. What I really felt was disappointment, hurt, and rejection.
It turned out that it was easier to feel hatred and irritation than rejection and unworthiness. What I know today is that I couldn't heal the situation from a place of anger and guilt. I could only heal it by connecting with those deep and painful feelings that were hiding underneath.
At that time I promised myself that I would never be vulnerable again. At that point, I unwittingly signed a lifelong contract of suffering. I built a thick wall around me to protect myself. A wall between me and my family member (and ultimately between me and other men).
But to forgive, I had to open myself to vulnerability again. That was the door opener to true forgiveness. It's scary to go there I know. But here is the liberation. Go there, go where it hurts the most, and let these feelings greet you.
2. I connected to my younger and wounded self.
While I was forgiving, a clear memory came back to me. It was the first time I met him drunk and upset. I was fourteen years old and by that point had felt unconditionally loved. That night he said something that turned everything around. This was the painful night that changed my view of myself and our relationship.
Before I was aware of this memory, but not ready to connect with my younger self. I wasn't ready to listen to it. I imagined my fourteen year old self. I imagined her talking to me and telling her side of the story.
She put into words what I had really felt that evening. All the suffering, the feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Tears ran down my cheeks. I cried so hard. So much stifled the longing for love and connection.
As I listened to her and welcomed the painful feelings, something powerful happened – I regained my vulnerability.
Often we struggle so hard not to feel the most painful feelings. The fact is, however, that they are the door to our liberation. We have to feel it in order to release it. In my experience, ignoring and pushing painful feelings away only makes them control you even more. Only when you allow yourself to feel it can you make yourself free.
3. I realized that everyone is doing their best.
I used to think this person did this because they were ignorant, insensitive and selfish. But I couldn't have been further from the truth. I realized that he was doing his best. I also realize that he in turn has his own trauma, tragic memories and difficulties in life.
It hit me that I would have acted the same if I had had his upbringing (his parents, experiences and trauma etc.). And that shift made it so much easier to forgive him. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. He did the best he could.
At that moment, I replaced anger with compassion. A wave that flooded a love over me and literally entered every cell of my body. In a moment I realized that this person had always loved me, and still does to this day.
At that moment my triggers disappeared. Left was love, empathy and compassion.
This person is not perfect and neither am I. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I screw it up too. I am human too. And this insight makes it easier for me not only to connect with my family member, but also with myself. Thanks to this knowledge, I am less tough today and judge myself than before.
4. Forgiveness does not mean accepting bad behavior.
The word forgiveness was alien to me. As something given to the perpetrator to give that person peace of mind. I was angry with the word and the meaning of it.
Forgiveness is not about accepting or approving bad behavior. I can still forgive certain behaviors and objectively reject them. Forgiveness, for me, did not include consenting to the destructive drinking behavior of my family member. Instead, forgiveness was an act of service to me.
I learned that forgiving in a positive way is an act of selfishness. You forgive to break free from chains of suffering and the past. Years later, I told him because I wanted to give him the gift of my forgiveness. But it was never a necessity. It's been four years now and our relationship is better than ever.
Make sure you forgive, not to help someone else, but to help yourself. Give yourself the gift of letting go so that you can go into the future that you wish for.
Prepare for true liberation
Living a life in which one clings to resentment, anger and frustration towards someone is painful. Anger, bitterness, and resentment don't change the past. it holds you in there.
You deserve better. You deserve to be rid of resentments and painful feelings. Use this article as a guide to getting to forgiveness. Start with one of the above and follow the steps outlined. Don't force or beat yourself up because you can't forgive or heal right away. Just by reading this article, you have taken a step in the right direction and believe that your timing will be perfect for you.
Remember to feel your way to forgiveness, not think. Gather the courage to go deeper and feel the feelings hidden beneath. Most importantly, remember that you are doing this for yourself, not others.
Our traumas and difficulties in life can make us feel hopeless, angry and like a victim. They can be our excuse to get stuck and not create the life we want. Or the painful experiences in life can be your greatest gift. As you learn to forgive someone once and for all, you are taking advantage of the blessings in disguise that come with each problem.
Perhaps, thanks to your experience, you have learned to improve your emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion. In short, make sure that your biggest problem becomes your greatest gift.
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