"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do it." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I've spent far too much time in my life worrying about what other people think of me.
I couldn't walk down the street without sucking my stomach in for fear a stranger would have thought I looked fat (mind you, I did that even when I weighed 120 pounds !!)
Going to a social event – a Halloween party, a networking event, a craft fair, or even a family dinner on vacation – was so stressful that it felt like I had a bees nest in my chest.
I had a successful thirteen year marketing career, was one of the founding employees of a startup that grew into a publicly traded international company, but I still feared someone would find out that I didn't know what I was doing – because I was up In no way was smart enough to be there, regardless of the awards I received.
It affected even the seemingly smallest of tasks in my life – calling someone on the phone, going to the grocery store, going to the gym. If other people were involved, I could find a way to believe that they would judge me, and hard.
At one point I said, “Enough is enough. I have to stop because I am unhappy. "
I was fed up with living in other people's minds, imagining the terrible things they might think of me, and never feeling like who I was because I didn't feel good enough for anyone .
I've come a long way since then. I've done the work (and keep doing it!) To realize when to sink into my negative thinking habit, to accept instead of resisting what I'm experiencing, to challenge my inner bully, change my perspective and be the best to make it all, let it go.
The change in me was so drastic that I see my life as the old me and the new me.
The old me would never be able to take up a conversation with a stranger, eat alone in a restaurant, be on a podcast or make live videos on Facebook.
The old me definitely couldn't bear to make a mistake, fail something or put my foot in my mouth without beating myself relentlessly for hours, days or months.
Why do we worry so much about what other people think?
On the one hand, there is a certain instinct for survival. We are a communal species and understand that there is strength in numbers and security in being part of a group. And when something (real or perceived) threatens our place in the community, it triggers our fear response – our fight or flight instinct.
But do you remember when I wrote "perceived threats"? That is really what we are talking about here.
Because what really happens when we worry about what other people think is that we make judgments that we hold against ourselves, and we project them onto others provided they believe the same things we do believe about ourselves.
We hold these limiting beliefs about ourselves and are therefore constantly looking to prove that they are true.
Let me explain step by step how to break this habit of worrying about what other people think.
Step 1: Mindfully recognize when it happens.
You can only change if you know where to start and when to be there. Mindfulness is the ultimate empowerment tool and the crucial first step in regaining control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
Mindfulness purposely pays attention to the present moment without judgment. It realizes what is really going on in your mind and body right now.
So let's say that when you go to the gym or yoga, you spend all the time worrying about what people think of your looks.
You cannot break this habit until you catch yourself doing it. What usually happens is that we just run with these worries, delve into the stories, and before we know it, we spend the hour in worry. Then we carry it to the locker room and on the drive home like we were stuck on a broken record and dance to the beat.
Mindfulness notices the feeling. Usually we feel it first in our body. Where does this feeling of worry show up physically? Lump in the stomach or tightness in the chest?
It notices what thoughts we have without judging. Are you wondering what story I'm telling myself about it?
Mindfulness Notices "Ohh, look, I'm doing that thing again where I'm worried about other people thinking I look fat."
From there, label what you feel. "I feel fear and self-assessment."
See what it's like to take a step back, to be objective and curious about what's going on in our own minds, like taking the needle off this broken record? It prevents us from mindlessly running with that worry, giving us a break to examine it and the space to decide how to respond. But before that, let's go to step 2 because it's important not to skip.
Step 2: Practice radical acceptance and self-compassion.
Usually when we feel these uncomfortable feelings we want to run away from them, ignore them, numb them (with wine, binge on Netflix, whatever your vice is). We don't like the way it feels so we're hiding from it, which means we're not fully processing it.
Emotions are energy in motion. If you ignore them, they won't go away. It is a step in letting it exist and accepting that this is an emotion that I am experiencing right now.
In step 1 we recognized and identified this feeling. From here you can look it right in the eye and say, “Oh, hello self-assessment. Welcome to the party. "
Personally, I find it very helpful to minimize the feeling by almost reducing it. I know this sounds tough, but take it with me.
I say, "Oh hello self-assessment, don't you look lovely tonight?" And I imagine myself opening the door, letting her in and letting her find her way to the bar. And I imagine that I don't join her.
In this way I allow her to be in my life, to exist, to show herself, but I don't have to exchange stories with her over a glass of wine.
This is a much more self-compassionate approach than denying the real emotion that arose in that moment because I don't judge or beat myself for having that thought, nor indulge in the negative emotion.
Step 3: Challenge your core beliefs.
But let's examine this thought with step 3 – question core beliefs.
Back to the gym, for example: The thought that caused the feeling of fear and self-assessment was: "Other people look at me and think I look fat and unattractive, that I don't belong here."
To get to the basic idea that drives this thought, think: "If that were true, what would it mean to me?"
Does that mean that you think you are not personable, not worthy, not good enough?
In this way you identify the core limiting belief that leads you to judge yourself and imagine other people judging you.
When it comes to beliefs, our minds are always looking for something to prove that this belief is true, to the exclusion of any evidence to the contrary. We have blinders on anything that proves that belief is wrong.
So let's stop that. Once you have identified your core limiting belief, I want you to list all of the reasons why that belief is not true, or at least not entirely true.
You may be thinking, "But I am actually overweight. How do I get a list?"
Don't forget, the limiting belief is found by asking: "What does this mean for me?" What could be that you think you are not adorable. So list any evidence to the contrary.
Use this list when you feel bad. Remember, when we have these limiting beliefs, we have blinkers to keep us from the truth, from the positive qualities about ourselves and our accomplishments.
Step 4: Update the situation.
Ok, now we really get to the good stuff.
Here we will redesign the situation and give ourselves a new perspective. The situation in our example is that you are in the gym or doing yoga, other people are there and they can see you and you think, "People think I look fat."
Our emotional response to this thought is fear, depression, sadness, etc.
These emotions then influence our behavior: We consider, are obsessed with this thought, maybe we leave the gym early, maybe we don't use the machines on the other side of the room because there are more people there.
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Without changing the situation, how can we think about what is going on?
Here are a few possibilities to reformulate this:
People don't think of me, they think of themselves.
This one is really quite correct. People don't think about you as much as you think. You think of yourself. See, you don't really think about them – you think about yourself and the way you look into their eyes and worry about what they think of you.
When they think of you, they might think that they are proud of you.
They may have been just as out of shape as you were a few months ago and ingrained in their heads. I do this all the time! I've had some great physical journeys of my own, and I love to be proud of watching others go on theirs.
Maybe the guy across the room actually thinks you are cute.
Maybe the lady with the downward facing dog thinks you look like her sister somehow.
Maybe someone else is wondering where you got your top from.
The goal is to develop a new thought. One that replaces the automatic thought that came to mind because of your limited beliefs.
With this new thought comes a new emotion. With this new emotion comes a new behavior. And that is now literally changing your relationship with your thoughts in your life.
Step 5: Let go.
You have realized what is going on, let yourself be felt, given yourself a moment of self-compassion, challenged your core beliefs, looked at the situation from a different perspective and now it is time to let go.
I want you to ask yourself: "Does holding on to this thought serve me in any positive way?" If the answer is no, give yourself permission to let go of it.
You do this by returning your focus to the present. You can take a few mindful breaths and focus on them.
When you are in the gym, give your full attention to your feet as they hit the treadmill. The feeling of your sweat on your skin. The sound of the music plays. If you find that your mind has returned to those negative thoughts, just notice and say, "Oh yes, I have decided to let go of this," and return to the task at hand.
It will happen again, your mind will return to the thought – just gently bring your attention back to the present.
This is meditation in action. This is how a meditation practice translates into real change.
Notice, confirm and come back. Rinse and repeat.
You are working on cultivating a new habit. One that enables you to let go of everything that no longer serves you.
About Sandy Woznicki
Sandy is a Stress and Anxiety Trainer and the founder of Graceful Resilience, which helps compassionate women who are deep down not feeling well enough inside and who are overwhelmed by stress or fear . Her coaching and free resources like The 3 {Must Have} Habits to Stop Stressing help women take control of their lives in order to live more fully and freely. She is happily married to her goofy husband and loves to connect with nature in beautiful Maine.
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