“You must first teach a child that he or she is loved. Only then is he ready to learn everything else. "~ Amanda Morgan
If I had a nickel for every parent who asked me: "So if we (… insert a strategy that was given to them …) we can know for sure that they don't have to worry about it (… insert) List of problems here …) when he grows up? "
Unfortunately there are no nickel to hear the question, nor guarantees to offer anxious parents. In fact, most of the parents' fear is because life has no guarantees.
Nevertheless, the question in itself is worth considering.
Let's look at that. Essentially, every parent wants to know, "What should we do to ensure that our child is a 'successful' adult who does not experience preventable pain and suffering?"
Let that take effect.
Of course we want this confirmation.
Of course we would like our children to never have to experience the pain and suffering that we know are possible in life.
And of course we want to proactively do what we can to help them avoid the pitfalls.
But can we?
It is September 2020 and as I write this I am very aware that my only child was born tomorrow 25 years ago. I am a little melancholy.
25 years ago today, I was preparing for my maternity leave in a job I enjoyed very much, providing mental health for children, adolescents and their families. I put in extra hours when I needed to, not out of a sense of duty, but because it was really inspiring, meaningful work and I felt blessed to have the opportunity.
And I had a plan! I would take a maximum of six months of paid maternity leave, but after that I would return to this wonderfully demanding job. I would find good childcare. Everything would be fine.
But that plan changed when I met her.
Due to complications, I was unaware of her birth and when I met her two hours later, she fell asleep. I couldn't have been more amazed if I had woken up to a pink, spotted dancing elephant in my hospital room.
She was in an incubator at the foot of my bed, all wrapped in pink, with a little pink knitted hat on her tiny head. It was a girl! And I was in awe. And completely in love.
At that moment, although I did not know exactly, my plans would change.
My doctor came by on her rounds the next morning.
"Any baby blues?" she asked.
“Does crying count during the Freedom 55 commercial? You know the one where they show you the little girl is born, grows up and then brings her children to her mother? "
She laughed. "You have more than a few years before you worry about it, Judith!"
"Ah. Then no. We're good, ”I muttered.
But was I?
In those earliest days, waiting for us to be released from the hospital, my whole experience of who I was and what was important to me changed inexorably. My only priority was taking care of her. And as long as I was conscious, I could put my arms around her and meet all of her needs!
In the end, I took an eleven month maternity leave and then quit my beloved but demanding job. I negotiated part-time contracts that were financially and practically feasible and did not require “extra” time. And that's it.
When she started preschool, I turned my career back to working with children because not only did I enjoy working with children, but my work also taught me strategies for being a better parent. And my experience as a parent has helped improve the quality of my work with the children and their families. It was a win-win situation.
Most importantly, making sure my daughter was protected, safe, and had everything she could ever need to be a happy, successful, competent, confident, independent, compassionate, kind, and loved adult. My endeavors in all other areas of my life have been guided by this intention.
If I took the time to meditate, it should be possible to be present with her.
If I continued my music lessons, this should be an example for her of how leisure and learning are lifelong pursuits and part of a balanced life.
I read self-help books in order to manage my role as parents responsibly.
I've done some things well. Very well! Other times I screwed up and then apologized and got things right.
I know that sometimes I will continue to do well. And not so well at other times. I will continue to be a fallible human mother in a relationship with her fallible human child.
And now she is 25 years old. She has finished her post-secondary program. She has loving friends and family. She has skills and talents. She has my full support when she wants or needs it.
And despite everything I know, learned and done, I still cannot guarantee that she will not have any pain and suffering in her life.
At this point in time, like her colleagues, she is trying to enter an adult life during a global pandemic. And it's hard. But as hard as it is for them, it is so hard for me to bear testimony. While I can still put my arms around her, I can no longer meet all of her needs. And no matter what either we or we do, there are no guarantees.
So my answer to this golden question is: No. There is no guarantee that any of the strategies we use will enable our children to live a life free of struggles, challenges, pain and arguments.
Ultimately, there is only one thing that will really be important. It matters whether or not we had a healthy relationship with them in which they really felt safe and loved.
A relationship where they know they can turn to us for love and support during these inevitably painful times of life because they know we will be there. Keep a safe space. Arms wide open ready to hold her.
And when we are no longer able to be with them in this life, they can leave a deep impression of love through the lived experience of the safe, honest relationship they had with us.
How do we do it?
By surfacing.
By doing things right.
By doing something wrong.
Through apologies and reparations.
By creating a relationship in which they feel seen, heard, understood and loved. Who they are for. Not for whom we expect them.
When I think of my daughter and her upcoming birthday, I immediately see a small bundle in pink. And i smile. She'll be fine.
About Judith Pinto
Judith Pinto combines her innate love for communication with her passion for helping children. She once received a card from a child that said, “Thank you for helping me find my smile!” Judith knew then that she was in the right place for the right reasons and doing the right things. She is now focused on teaching parents how to help their own children find their smiles. You can start with their free training.
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