"Do something today for which your future self will thank you." ~ Unknown
My entire life has been filled with toxic and abusive relationships, from extreme physical and emotional abuse by my parents to the last relationship I left in 2013. Abuse – physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal – is all I have ever known.
All my life. I knew it wasn't normal.
I really wanted to be loved, valued and respected. I really wanted to be "normal" whatever that was. I longed for a fairytale romance. I longed for happiness and peace. I just wasn't convinced I would ever have that.
And I was afraid of being alone.
Longing for love
I spent most of my adult life devoting myself to anyone who paid me the slightest attention. I've been in and out of unhealthy relationships, looking for love in the wrong places. Mostly on dating sites. I was always sure that the next guy was "the one". Until he wasn't.
My mission in life was to find someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved and to take care of me and then we would live happily ever after.
I sacrificed myself in an indescribable way just to be loved.
The problem was that I didn't even know what true love was or how to love myself. I had little to no respect for myself. I looked for happiness in the form of another person. I was sure that a man would bring me everlasting happiness and true love.
It was only when I left my last abusive relationship that I realized that I would never find happiness and true love until I loved myself.
My last toxic relationship
He began as “Mr. Not so bad, ”and despite all the frantically waving red flags, I convinced myself that he would be the one.
The first year was Touch and Go. He lied to me and disregarded me in many ways, but I ignored it. I clung to him. He checked many boxes on my list. Surely I could overlook his mistakes. Besides, I wasn't perfect either.
Verbal and emotional abuse became more frequent in our third year together. I endured it for another five years before I finally packed everything up.
He belittled and bullied me almost every day. At the end of the day he would apologize and it would be better. He assured me that he really loved me and that he would get better. It gave me false hope, but hope nonetheless. I was sure it would get better.
They never did that.
In our fifth year he took a job on a Caribbean island and left me. I was totally shocked. We had just bought a house and I had just bought a hair salon. I couldn't understand why he was doing this. Although our relationship was far from perfect, we were still fine.
He returned eight months later and again promised that we would sort this out and be fine. It only got worse. He became a complete control freak and the bullying was constant.
Everything was always my fault. I became a "yes sir / no sir" girl. Whatever he wanted, he got. Whatever he wanted to do, we did it. I had nothing more to say about the relationship or household decisions.
We did everything in his own way or not at all.
I became the shell of a woman who held on to the hope that things would get better. I mean, he always apologized at the end of the day so he sure meant well. Surely things had to get better. And we weren't spring hens either. We were both on our way to fifty.
"He will change", I thought. “I know he will. I can help him with that. Show him his evil ways and let him know how much they hurt. I know that will change him. He'll get it one day. "
That never happened either.
I was a complete failure
By the time I was seven I had probably written ten "Dear John, I am leaving you" letters that I never gave him. I couldn't leave him. Where the fuck should i go
At this point, I had to close my hair salon business because it was suffering a slow death (similar to our relationship), I had just filed for bankruptcy and I didn't have two cents to rub against each other. He had bought another house and built a small parlor for me, but all of my clients had already left me.
I hardly made any money and I fully relied on him for financial security and stability.
My life had become a complete catastrophe. Emotionally, financially, professionally. I had nothing left in me.
I looked in the mirror and cried at the woman who was staring at me. She was broke and broken in many ways. The once bubbly, happy girl I used to know was now empty, hollow and devoid of any emotion.
I was fifty-one years old and the thought of ending my life came to my mind more times than I want to admit. I was nothing and had nothing. I couldn't even bear to look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I cried the whole time. I became a gentle, submissive, frail woman with no hope for the future. In my eyes, I was a complete failure.
Something had to give.
The beginning of the end
It was Easter weekend 2013. We had a family dinner in our house. My whole family. He didn't have any around. My family liked him enough. I was sure that it would be a wonderful dinner full of love and laughter.
What started as the day we both prepared things for dinner quickly turned into the biggest fight we'd ever had. He stormed out of the house before the guests arrived.
He returned home late at night after all the guests had left. I had enough I couldn't do this anymore. I spent the night in the guest room and started writing another letter, "Dear John," but this time I wanted to deliver it to him. I was ready.
I was an emotional wreck. I knew I had to go, but I was scared.
I had nothing. I had no money, no job, no belongings but the clothes on my back, and I was a shell of a person. What I had was a tiny glimmer of hope. That night I asked myself a hundred times: "Iva, if you don't go now, when will you go? How much longer can you live like this?"
I was afraid of my future. There were so many unanswered questions. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I wasn't sure if I could survive on my own. I had nothing. I had officially hit rock bottom.
Then I realized that the only way out was up. It was up to me to claw my way out and fix this disaster that I called my life.
My healing journey
That night I gave him the letter, we talked very briefly and two weeks later I moved out of the house. I have put all my trust in the universe and found the courage to rebuild my life by working on my self-esteem first and then on my self-love.
Friends came from the woodworks to help me get back on my feet. I was able to get back my old job at a salon that I had worked for for years before opening my own salon. People donated items and furniture. My sister lent me money to get an apartment.
Everything magically fit together.
I still remember the fear and insecurity that I felt every day. I couldn't believe I had finally left him, but I still didn't trust myself to make good decisions. My whole life was the result of all the bad choices I made.
I didn't know how to love or respect myself. I had no confidence and very little self-esteem. I had to learn what boundaries were and draw them. Thick! I had to learn what love is, self-love and how to find happiness in myself.
I had a lot to learn. It would take time and a lot of work to limit one's beliefs and learn that one is no good, worthless, and stupid for fifty-one years.
I literally started from scratch and worked my way up.
And I had no idea where to start. I had never felt so alone and scared in my entire life. Everything was up to me now.
Learning to love myself
I have found and read self-help e-books online. I found articles about personal growth and self improvement. I listened to motivational podcasts and watched inspiring YouTube videos until my eyes were bleeding. My healing journey was exhausting, frustrating, chaotic and beautiful all at the same time.
Every time doubt came to my mind, I would exclaim it and declare, "I am worthy, damn it!" I did this every day.
The more I read Self Help, the stronger I became. Day after day I slowly but surely learned to love and respect myself. My self-confidence grew beyond anything I could have imagined.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and made changes that terrified me but contributed to my growth.
I have completely reinvented my life and have acted as a freelance writer for over 25 years as a hairdresser. I write about my healing journey, giving hope and inspiring others that they too can have the life they really want. A life full of happiness, joy and inner peace.
I still have to grow. We never stop evolving. It's just not that scary anymore and absolutely beautiful.
Change is yours
I think back to my life and wonder where I would be if I hadn't left this toxic relationship and I shudder. My desire to change my life grew stronger than my desire to live in my comfort zone.
Yes, it's scary. We all want to know what the future holds for us. We all want answers to our questions. We all want to know that we are fine and that life is getting better.
But life doesn't get any better until you make the decision to make these big changes. It is up to you to do this. Hard and Scary? Yes. Impossible? Absolutely not.
You have to ask yourself this one question: "How much do I want this?" You must trust that life can and will get better if you choose to take control, courageously step out of your misery and comfort zone, and have confidence.
Things may not magically fit together immediately like they did for me, but things will improve over time if you believe in yourself and move forward one day at a time.
The life you want is one step away. Take the step. You're worth it. You deserve a better life. Do it for you baby
About Iva Ursano
Iva is a retired hairdresser and freelance writer from Northern Ontario, Canada who lives freedom, peace and joy in sunny Guatemala. Her two main goals in life are to inspire people all over the world with her blogs and to feed hungry little bellies in the poor town that now calls her home. She has a mini-series of self-help eBooks that you can read here or check out her website for more inspiration and sign up for her weekly motivational and inspirational newsletters.
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