Dear estranged adult,
I want you to remind yourself that it was never really about you, even though it may have felt that way then and that way now.
When your parents kept telling you that you are not good enough that you would never mind, they only projected their own feelings for themselves onto you because deep down they don't feel good enough and don't believe that they revealed something.
Maybe these feelings were passed on from their parents, or maybe your parents regret the life they passed on to you, but these reasons are not that important. Not as important as the fact that what you were told, what was done to you, was never your fault. It wasn't about you.
You were always good enough; you would always mean something. and that could have threatened them. Nobody is born unpleasant or unworthy, nobody.
Over the years I have learned that people's words, actions and beliefs have very little to do with me and are more about themselves.
When people interact with others, they project how they think, what they believe and how they feel about others. In fact, we all do that, including you and me. However, what sets us apart is the fact that we can think about how our actions and words affect others. We can see the world from our own perspective and also understand how others might see it.
If you grew up in an environment like mine, you were taught the false belief that how others see things and how others see you is more important than how you see yourself. You have likely been taught to put your own thoughts and feelings aside and use your parents' thoughts and feelings instead.
In some cases, you may have mistaken your thoughts and feelings for your own. Perhaps you have heard their voices in your head over and over again, and you may have said their words.
Over time, if you were like me at all, you began to experience dissonance with what your parents told you and you began to connect with your own ideas, thoughts and feelings.
In some cases you may have had doubts about your ideas and tried to suppress them. In other cases, you may have moved between your thoughts and their paradigms of you on the other side. But either way, you found your truth, and although it caused you pain, you found your voice.
When you found your voice, you found yourself and started telling your truth. When you started telling your truth, you kept being told, "But they are your parents, they love you, you can't cut them out, you can't let them go." They're getting older, they need you. "
In your heart you know the truth, but because you have been taught to listen to the voices of others and to believe them, you have questioned yourself and tried again and again to reconcile yourself. With every attempt to mend a broken relationship, your heart ached until you knew you could no longer take it any longer. You had to listen to your own voice or you would break.
You have probably struggled with feelings of guilt and may now feel guilty. If you are struggling with guilt for not having contact with your parents, let me ask you a few questions:
How do you feel after interacting in any way with your parents? Be honest with yourself.
Do your parents respect your limits?
Is there a healthy reciprocity in the relationship?
Do you have the feeling that you can be who you are and tell your truth without judgment?
Do you feel respect or love or acceptance from your parents?
If the answers to these questions are painful, then you know in your heart that you made the right choice for you. You have made the choice that is best for your health and wellbeing.
Here you are, an estranged adult child. You navigate the world without any connection to your family of origin. You may be stronger than ever, in some cases happier, healthier, and more confident than ever.
Every day you confront the childhood trauma that led you to this choice with clarity, determination and strength to deal with it.
You may have done things that you did not know you could do. You may have built a supportive family of your own and / or helped others in the ways you needed help. You may take small steps each day to live as your best self. Take a moment to celebrate!
You did something that nobody should ever do, you made one of the most painful decisions you will ever have to make and you have been misunderstood by so many – and yet you stay strong. You stay true to yourself and your story!
Perhaps you really want people to understand your story and validate your lived experience. You might long for your parents to say they are sorry for the pain they caused you. I know because I felt these things and longed for them, but the truth is you don't need these things.
You might be wondering why. Why won't my parents understand the pain they caused me, say they are sorry, and love me like I needed to be loved all my life?
I wish I had an answer that satisfies these questions and somehow eliminates this pain. The best answer I can find for you and for myself is that some people are unwilling to accept that they are the bad guys in your story and they could never be. Instead of thinking about what you asked, they strike, desperate to protect their narrative as kind and loving parents.
Parents often do not want to experience cognitive dissonances or things that make them wonder who they think they are as parents and as people. This may be why you are not getting the validation you deserve. The truth is you don't need that excuse that you may never get, and begging and pleading with them to confirm your truth is likely to hurt you.
Some people will never understand you; Some people will hurt you in more ways than you can imagine and they will walk away like it was all your fault or like nothing ever happened. This is about them; It's not about you You know your story and you are ready to own it. You live it in spite of adversity. and for that I am proud of you.
Please try not to focus on those who do not understand and do not try to convince them to see it the way you want. You will be better off emotionally if you give up on these unsuccessful efforts. Sometimes people can only understand what they have been through.
If your friends or extended family grew up with supportive parents, they may not even imagine what you were thinking, and that's fine. Instead, try to surround yourself with people who understand and do their best to validate your own experiences. Write or jot notes about your experiences and when you start questioning yourself, look back at these and validate yourself. That helped me when I was wondering and I still do today. I know it's not easy.
Take the time to celebrate because you deserve it. You discarded the story your parents tried to write for you and you started to write your own. You have said goodbye to abuse and adversity in a society that views you as a problem, and you continue to stay strong every day.
Tell your story, live your truth and never be ashamed of the painful decision you had to make. The abuse and the way you were treated was never about you, it was about her. You have virtues, insights, and values. You are adorable and deserve to be celebrated and loved for who you are and who you become. You're not alone.
Typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
