"It is not the events of our life that shape us, but our convictions, what these events mean." ~ Tony Robbins
BEEP! BEEP! Beep!
My fiancé's alarm went off at 5:00 am. I fell asleep around 2 a.m. after scrolling Instagram and Pinterest for hours.
Frustrated, I rolled onto my pillow as he leaned over to kiss my forehead.
I made a face.
Why does he always have to kiss me every morning when I'm tired?
Resentment is a strange feeling.
"Here we go again", I thought to myself, "another boring Monday morning."
Is it seriously what it is like to be newly engaged?
What about all those photos of smiling Instagram models holding their shiny rings to the camera? What about the studied men who look at their future wives with doe eyes and lens flare?
Why didn't I feel like her? Certainly the happiness of being engaged lasts longer than a month …
Let's go back in time.
You will be able to see better what led to this superfluous but strong feeling of disappointment and bitterness.
We drove for hours …
Last summer.
My friend and I had been together for three and a half years and had just turned twenty-nine. We drove hours to a small Airbnb lakehouse that we booked for the long weekend.
"Sure it was," I said to my best friend earlier this week. "He will definitely suggest."
My hopes were higher than the mountain we wanted to climb the next morning.
This was going to be the perfect weekend. We had skewers ready to toss on the grill, watermelon and corn on the cob (my favorites), and three uninterrupted days all to ourselves.
I was so ready that this was the best weekend of my life.
What goes up must come down
We'd shared a bottle of wine, had a BBQ dinner, and spent the evening laughing and playing scrabble. No sign of a ring yet, but we had fun anyway.
The next morning we woke up early to do a difficult and arduous hike up a beautiful mountain.
As we approached the summit, he told me he wanted to take a little detour off the track.
"There's something really cool here," he told me.
This. was. It.
Fortunately, I followed. We left the main path and walked past tall grass and overgrown bushes. Nearby, I could hear the sound of a waterfall crashing over the rocks below.
How absolutely romantic. This is really just perfect.
When we turned the corner and ducked under another low-hanging branch, he was right in front of me.
A beautiful giant of a waterfall that roared louder than thunder. The deafening noise and misty breeze on my face felt like magnets pulling my smile from ear to ear.
"That's great !!" I screamed over the roar of the falls.
"Yeah, I told you this was cool," he said.
While I loved him more than ever in this moment, the next few words out of his mouth felt like he hit me right in the stomach.
"So," he said … "Shall we go back?"
The slow burn forever
After that I couldn't have as much fun on the trip.
In the afternoon we went kayaking, had two nights with delicious drinks and food and watched a beautiful sunset over the lake.
But I really just wanted to go home.
While we were driving back, I sat in the car and looked down at my nails. The fresh manicure I got to celebrate the big day had flaked off right on my ring finger.
Fate laughed in my face.
After that I thought the suggestion day could come on other occasions, but it wasn't.
I had performed a nightly ritual where I would scroll through Instagram or Pinterest and see the perfect rings and nail colors that would go well with them.
My Facebook page was full of friends my age who got engaged at the end of summer, at Christmas, and even on New Year's Eve.
There was no suggestion for me.
If only he would do that.
We had been together for four years … my thirtieth birthday had come and gone and still … nothing.
The whole expectation of waiting for the happiest day of my life came to me.
I was depressed … and was looking forward to a time when everything would get better.
As soon as I receive my proposal and we are engaged, I can be happy.
This Monday morning
Finally the proposal came.
Although I had been building resentment for months (due to lack of suggestions), when the day came I was completely overjoyed.
I looked at my ring every day and reminded myself how happy I was to be with someone I loved so much.
But then, about a month later, that Monday morning had rolled around. I had spent the evening scrolling through Pinterest and Instagram. What did I look at?
Wedding things.
Of course.
After I got engaged, my brain was on the next path.
There is nothing less satisfying than achieving what you always wanted.
Love is "boring"
When I look back on the memories we made at the lake house, I can't help but remember the feelings of anger, frustration and resentment that colored this weekend wrong.
This weekend was full of bliss. I laughed until the wee hours of the morning with my best friend.
He took me to a beautiful waterfall and then made me have lunch with all of my favorite foods before he took me kayaking – one of my favorite pastimes and then my favorite meal that evening.
I didn't realize he was doing this on a regular vacation.
He had no intention of asking the question, so his weekend plans had nothing to do with overdoing it for a special occasion. He only did it all because he loved me.
He didn't take me to a beautiful waterfall looking for a photo op to suggest.
He brought me there because he wanted to show me how cool it was.
When I realized how selfish I had been, I cried.
I couldn't believe that while pursuing the feeling (or the appearance of love) I missed the fact that it was right in front of me so much.
Love is certain.
Love is constant and predictable – and sometimes, when you experience the same feeling of comfort every day, you can mistake it for boredom.
Comfort can trick your brain into thinking that you need more, even when you have it all.
With this mentality, a spectacular weekend suddenly felt boring just because I expected to feel the euphoria that Instagram models felt in their photos.
When my suggestion didn't come, I put aside a weekend that would have been really euphoric if I had been healthier.
The next day I deleted my Instagram account. There is nothing wrong with planning a beautiful wedding, but planning could wait. I needed time to enjoy just getting engaged to the love of my life.
Now, every morning, when I hear his alarm and beep at 5:00 am, I lie there waiting for the predictable morning kiss I will feel on my forehead.
I feel this every day, every morning, and yes, it feels boring sometimes, but it's all I need – and I'm fine with that.
About Lana Otaya
Lana is a professional dating trainer. She began her career as a dating writer and matchmaker, working mostly with male clients. They taught her everything about what successful men look for in a dream woman. She is now helping confident and successful women meet confident and successful men. Visit them at Millennialships.com.
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