Since the onset of COVID-19, I've found through working with clients on telemedicine that people's trust in social media as a means of connecting with others has increased. While this engagement can be useful and necessary during the pandemic, it does not provide an opportunity for us to connect on a more meaningful level. Even more worrying is how this contributes to people not learning active listening skills directly.
Simply put, COVID-19 and our over-reliance on social media as a means of connection have affected the process of ACTIVE communication. Think of a typical post, be it from a picture, a funny quote, or the sharing of a political news article. The main advantage of social media is bringing information into the universe to share with others. However, this process is usually one-sided and usually doesn't result in an active conversation. Individuals can use social media to keep up with others. However, this can include simply scrolling through posts with no comment or conversation.
Think about the typical responses to a post. Individuals can choose to “like”, comment on, or continue browsing a post. These answers lack a lot of opportunity for active exchange. I emphasize “active” because even a highly engaged social media post in which comments are exchanged creates a passive reactivity. Sometimes the thread can get long and escalate, leading to inflammatory or less productive statements. Regardless of this, the active listening process does not exist.
When we speak to others in person, it is common to ask, "How are you?" or "How are you?" The other person responds with a reflexive “good” or “fine” and then also asks, “How are you?” However, this quick and easy process is completely bypassed on social media. As a rule, there is no exchange of questions. There is responsiveness, but people respond to statements, NOT questions.
For example, I recently posted a picture from a family outing. A friend of mine wrote, "Nice," and some others "liked" my picture. But people don't usually ask, "How was it?" or "How did it go?" I didn't expect it either. There is no “space” for active exchange. I am telling you about my life in one direction and do not ask you to concern yourself with me. Social media is not a substitute for an actual conversation as there is no depth.
What happened to questions?
My clients verbalize more and more challenges in connection with developing meaningful relationships. In many cases, I believe that their trust in social media, rather than more interactive engagement, is a primary reason for this.
Some people are not taught how to have a simple conversation – not just an exchange of ideas, but also questions that can enrich a conversation. The clients I work with who fall into this category, many of whom are younger, evolve without understanding the importance of asking questions.
We ask questions to show that we care about the other person. We also ask questions for more information and details. We ask each other questions so we can talk. We ask open-ended questions and follow-up questions to learn the depths of a person.
Asking questions gives us a glimpse into the inner world of a person, and this gaze is the key to building relationships. Without creating this opportunity, our connection with someone remains superficial and superficial. I can remember interactions with people where I talked about myself, but the listener did not ask any further questions.
These experiences feel strange and confusing. There may even be times when the other person is selfish or selfish. Such an experience can be draining and potentially an obstacle to further interactions.
Unfortunately, these feelings of isolation can be heightened when people use social media as a substitute for connection, with users not always consciously realizing that they are missing critical aspects of engagement.
Measures
As consultants, we are constantly looking for ways to help others. So what can we do in this case?
1) Educate: One of the many hats that counselors can wear is that of the educator. We can talk about the process of active engagement and share strategies to maintain active engagement even in these challenging times. We can teach our clients, students and carers directly about the importance of active listening. We can point out why social media just doesn't allow this to happen. Since the process of active listening is usually a counselor's strength and we are trained in it, we can sometimes forget that it is a developed skill and that education and practice are required.
2) Role Model: We can be role models in our daily lives by taking the time to ask others, “How are you?” Usually we ask ourselves, “How are you ? " However, if we want to show how a more meaningful exchange can be made, the question of how a person is feeling is brought below the surface and is an opportunity to show that this is important to us and that we want a more important interaction. We can also ask: "How can I better support you?"
In other words, the active engagement process starts with a simple question. However, once this is mastered, we can start asking more thoughtful specific questions. In our sessions with clients we can help them practice this art of asking and experience the benefits.
3) Lawyer: Students must be taught these skills directly. Sometimes we assume that people are learning active listening skills somewhere in their life journey. The only way to really know if someone has learned a concept is to teach them that concept.
To make my first point clear, we need to advocate classes, groups, or other learning formats in our communities and educational systems that can be geared towards active listening and interpersonal skills. This is especially important for a younger generation who are much more reliant on social media for communication. In my view, it seems that students will only have the opportunity to study these subjects directly if they have a formal diagnosis and undergo the process of acquiring an individualized educational program.
4) Research: My findings on the effects of social media and technology in general on active listening are not well explored. I've found some anecdotal information on blogs and newsletters, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of evidence-based articles available. Given this reality, another important opportunity for us as consultants is to collect data both formally and informally. We can then share our results to inform others.
It is a challenge to survive in these times, let alone do any of the things I described above. But when I feel overwhelmed by our collective experience, I focus on what I can control. I can choose specifically and feel empowered by these decisions. I can choose to communicate with people directly instead of relying on social media.
Sometimes when I think about changes at the macro level, I feel like I'm not doing enough. However, I believe that our individual efforts have an impact on the larger community. That's why I remember that even the simplest exchange can matter. It starts with a question.
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Related Reading : See Today's October Counseling Cover Story: "Helping Clients Build Healthy Relationships With Social Media"
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Grace Hipona is a licensed professional consultant for the NeuroPsych Wellness Center P.C. and holds a PhD in consultant training and supervision. Her dissertation focus was on the mental health of disasters (especially on-site protection). She is also a certified drug abuse consultant and a recognized clinical director. Her experience over the past 15 years has included working in a private practice, administering behavioral health programs, teaching doctoral students, and mentoring counseling students and counselors at the Masters level. Contact them at [email protected].
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