"Connection gives our life meaning and purpose." ~ Brené Brown
R U OK Day is an important campaign to address mental health problems in our community. Even before the pandemic, isolation, loneliness, and separation from each other meant asking the simple question, "Are you okay?"
We can spend days, weeks without seeing each other and instead rely on sporadic WhatsApp messages, emojis or comments on each other's social media posts. We may spend all of our time at our workplaces, but we don't take time to see our friends and family.
So what are we missing? Well, it is this daily face-to-face interaction where we read each other's emotional cues, have spontaneous and naturally flowing conversations, have lots of eye contact, and laugh, chat, and cry together. Put simply – the human experience of sharing our unique energy with one another.
So is it enough to ask for “R U OK”? No, definitely not. It's part of the empathy and connection puzzle.
In most cases you need to be emotionally prepared for the answer that can be expected at the other end of this question. Do you have the time, energy, or motivation to listen to the answer? What if someone says they are not fine but you have already judged that their life is perfectly fine – why shouldn't they be fine? What if they tell you they are fighting but you feel like you are fighting more? What if they say they are okay when they really are not?
In the above cases, your ideas about what a person can answer and your judgment about their situation have a great influence on your reaction. However, unless you have a strong prior connection with this person, their ability to open up to you will also be severely limited.
So when I think about what matters, I think it's about building lasting trust. and deep connections with the people around us. Without that, we cannot possibly expect that real emotions will be shared and that that person's responses will be loving and supportive.
I think of my own experiences trying to share difficult emotions with different people in my life.
There was a time when I was a new parent to my second child who was very insecure, managed only very broken and limited sleep, looked after two children under five, ran a business and participated. Time during the week.
I remember many times when I shared my feeling of being so alone, exhausted and isolated. and need support only to be invalidated and dismissed by well-meaning persons, or the person did not know how to react, so detached and moved on from the conversation.
I also remember the confidante himself being in so much pain that it turned into a competition the pain of which was worse.
I remember being honest about not being able to cope with stressful times in my life, which led to the perception that I was weak and incompetent and therefore treated like that.
These reactions can be very hurtful and harmful and prevent us from looking for the help we need. In many cases, that person may not even realize that this is the effect of their actions. In fact, their reaction is usually a mirror of how they can judge themselves.
So the "R U OK" campaign is a great idea, but not the whole solution.
Before we ask this question, we need to cultivate a relationship in which we make room for the other person.
This begins with us first accepting ourselves incredibly, including being aware of our emotions and struggles. We then need to be attentive, loving, supportive, and non-judgmental towards those we want in our lives. And there must be deep trust that the person you are sharing with is only from a place of acceptance and love.
Only then can "R U OK" achieve its purpose most effectively. The purpose is: when you are not okay, when you are in pain and having problems with it, this person will help you accept those emotions, guide and support you, and make you feel really and authentically loved , at a moment when you may need it the most. So that they remind you that your feelings will pass, but their friendship will not.
Let us make and promote these connections daily by consciously building our tribes and often reaching out to each other. Let's purposely make space and time for these relationships in our busy lives.
We can also get creative with how we meet as couples, friends, families or communities, whether it is regular catch-ups working towards a common goal to play sports, play sports and dance, together to cook or to meet groups in parks to walk and talk (of course with masks and social distancing as long as necessary).
Let us also be open to opening our lives to new people who also need this support. Because not everyone was lucky enough to find these connections or was able to build their tribes.
And finally, when we are always present and consciously with ourselves and our loved ones and ask: "Are you okay?" will of course come – and so will our answer if one day you inevitably say “no”.
About Piyali Somaia
Piyali works with global health initiatives for a fairer and healthier world by running a network of World Health Organization collaborating centers in Australia. She also supports gender equality in the workplace through her commitment to the Capital Human and Women in Global Health movement. She is a dancer / choreographer and believes in the power of the arts to stimulate social change in the world. She has a Masters in Public Health, a Bachelor of Commerce and a Bachelor of Science.
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