I'll be honest here, I can honestly say that until recently I have never had any ties to any person, place or thing. That cord crippled me and broke me to the point where I wondered who I was and my personal strength.
Before I tell my story, it is important to know what exactly a binding cord is and how it can hurt you. Much.
After that I will tell you why cutting cord is not very effective and what to do instead.
What is a binding cord?
People keep coming in and out of our lives. Some are blessings and some are lessons. The latter come to teach us things about ourselves. They help us dig deep and heal old ugly wounds that we have buried for years.
Some people stay and others leave.
However, some of those who leave us leave their marks. A deep mark. A string, if you will. For some reason we just can't let go of these people. We think of them all the time, weep over them and are borderline addicted to them. For most of us, this is a past lover.
Are you here with me? Can you feel me
This is a fastening cord. This person has made such a huge impact on our lives and we just can't let go. It doesn't matter if that person was poisonous or not, the cord is firmly entrenched and we are fully attached.
My story
In 2015 I moved from Canada to Guatemala and fell in love with the country and its people. I decided to stay for the long term. This was my new home.
In the small town I lived in, there was almost no dating scene. And then, in my sophomore year, a new man from the United States showed up in town. He was tall, dark, and handsome, and fun to be around. We were together for over a year and then he returned to the USA.
We stayed in contact (and are in contact almost every day) and traded our romantic relationship for friendship. Sound easy enough to get it right? Not correct.
I agreed to be his friend, and while I secretly wished we could be more, I knew it would never happen. We've been so incompatible in a million ways regardless of our getting along really well. We just shouldn't be.
But I couldn't let go. I was addicted to him. Everything from him. I was so ridiculously attached to him that it was borderline toxic to me.
After a year he moved back to Guatemala and I knew that this would be difficult for me. We weren't together anymore, he could see who he wanted. I knew I couldn't bear to see it or find out that he was with another woman.
So I did the only thing I knew would help me. I left the country and moved to Mexico to heal and be away from it. The bond I had with him was so strong that it killed me.
I started my healing journey in Mexico.
Some would say I ran away from my problems. It may seem so. I ran away to save my soul and heart. I had to do that. I also knew that I had to cut this cord once and for all.
Guided meditations just didn't work
I tried listening to guided meditations on cable cutting and while they made me feel better they were temporary fixes. Band AIDS, if you will.
I wrote a diary every day. I would make lists of all the things I wanted from a man and a list of all the reasons why "John" was not good for me.
I wrote, I cried, I called friends to talk, cried more, listened to meditations every night, but nothing seemed to work. I just couldn't cut that string and it was emotionally demanding.
And then something dawned on me.
Why cutting cords doesn't work
Every time I did a guided meditation the cord came loose and I felt fine for a day or two, then I was back to where I had started. Connected, addicted and miserable.
I realized it was a temporary repair and the wound went much deeper. I realized I had to fix myself at the root.
But not only that, I also realized that I not only had to cut this cord, but also to extinguish it completely at its root.
I had to find out where this attachment came from, what my deep wound really was, heal it and destroy the root.
Cutting the cable is currently simply helping you to break free. It doesn't take away the pain and pain. We have to work on that. Find out what it is, where it comes from and heal it completely.
Where my pain comes from
I discovered that my pain and deep wound are from a childhood of abuse and are never loved. I passed myself and my love on to anyone who would give me any kind of attention. My longing to be loved so much destroyed me in so many ways.
And I had no idea.
“John” filled so many gaps for me, no matter how toxic our relationship was at times, and I stuck to it. He treated me well, put me on a pedestal, and gave me all the attention I have longed for all my life.
I didn't want to let go. It felt so damn good.
But it wasn't good. It was toxic to me and broke me down every day.
I turned to a friend of a therapist because I urgently needed to speak to someone who could help me with this. I knew I had to heal, and quickly. But I honestly didn't know how.
She helped me sift through all of my childhood trauma and the patterns I followed in my adult life. She helped me see the string for what it really was.
The string I made and why the cutting just doesn't work
I created this string myself because I need love, attention and affection. The object on the other end of the string made me feel good. Filled a dark lonely hole in my heart
I had to learn anew how to love and appreciate myself exactly as I was. I had to remind myself that I don't need a person to fill in my gaps and it was up to me to do that.
I also had to learn how to destroy, not just cut, this cord.
When you cut cords, the roots are still attached to your soul so that the cord can grow back. Think about how to cut down a dying plant and then make new sprouts and leaves. We cut off the dead to make room for regrowth.
It works the same way with a cord to attach to a person. We can keep cutting the cord, but at some point the leaves will branch again and grow new growth.
Therefore we have to completely destroy the cord right from the root.
How to destroy your binding cord
You must first heal the wound that this cord created. Find out what is still hurting you and showing up in the form of other people.
Was it something from your childhood, high school or an old boss? Dig deep and pull this pain out, look at it, and then do what you need to do to heal from it.
This will take some time. How much time do you have?
As you heal, you need to address that cord that is still sticking out of your chest. This is part of your healing journey.
Instead of cutting it, you have to pull it all the way out of your chest and imagine burning the root. When the full root has been pulled, seal the wound in your chest with the finest material you can think of.
I use rose gold.
Journaling is important
Write down your feelings. It is so important to write down how you feel. Too often we keep all of our pain locked inside so that no one can see it.
But that is not effective and it hurts you more than you think. Write everything down and get it from your chest, from your heart on paper, burn it and let go. Thank me later!
So many of us have so much healing to do, but healing is a long, hard and somewhat ugly journey. If we never heal, the same patterns will repeat in our lives and we will never be truly free or happy.
Do yourself a favor, heal.
I began my healing journey in 2012 and although I have come an awfully long way since leaving my abusive relationship, I am still learning about myself, healing, and growing.
It's an endless journey, it's exhausting and beautiful at the same time.
If the ghosts of your past haunt you, I want you to know that you no longer have to be. You can be free from everyone. Make a commitment to begin a healing journey.
You are so worth it!
One year later
I am not going to say that my healing journey is over, but I can say that my binding cord no longer exists. I am now bound to myself and how much I love and respect myself. I still have a long way to go, but I am ready to return to Guatemala, where my heart really is: with the people, the culture, the freedom and the country.
“John” and I still talk almost every day, but I can see him in a completely different light now. I can safely say that I see him as my friend. Nothing more, nothing less. And I'm completely satisfied with that.
About Iva Ursano
Iva is a retired hairdresser living as a freelance writer from Northern Ontario, Canada, in sunny Guatemala for a life of freedom, peace and joy. Her two main goals in life are to inspire people all over the world with her blogs and to feed hungry little bellies in the poor town that now calls her home. She has a mini-series of self-help eBooks that you can read here or check out her website for more inspiration and sign up for her weekly motivational and inspirational newsletters.
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