"Quiet people have the loudest thoughts." ~ Stephen Hawkin
I have wonderful family and friends and have always hoped that I would pass on a helpful legacy. Lessons to remember, memories to smile at, and to lean on in difficult times. For years, however, it seemed like the greatest thing I passed on to my exhausted wife, nervous and sometimes scared kids, and friends were my struggles with fear.
As my fear grew and the panic attacks came, I moved away from those I needed most. It is difficult for a son and a woman to bond with a father who is acting like a bear emerging from hibernation. Sullen and sour. Looking for a fight. Friends were ignored because the alcohol was effortless and non-demanding.
My home wasn't what it should have been, but unfortunately that was what I did. I expect the teen to be an adult just like my parents expected me to be. At home for a woman who feels as if she can barely hold the family together and walks on eggshells when she really needs comfort. Friends were excluded because they refused to be a readiness advisor.
But things have changed. As I healed myself through intensive counseling and self-care practices, I began to fill this gap in family relationships and build a bridge. A bridge built on self-care and self-love. I started reconnecting with friends and listening better. I've learned that I can only give love after loving myself.
The fights with alcohol and bullying that I once cursed became a blessing. I discovered that they gave me much to share and a potentially wonderful legacy of strength and love. My struggles made me a better father, better husband, and ultimately a better friend and person.
These three reasons are why I am grateful for my fear.
More coping skills for sharing
Just like a master carpenter passes on his woodworking tools, I now have many self-care skills that I can pass on to my son for his anxious times or my wife for her stressful job. I can teach them how to meditate or suggest daily journaling. I can love mother nature.
Perhaps the greatest thing I can show those I care about now is how to ask for help. I was terrible and used alcohol a lot to avoid feeling overwhelmed and to dampen the anger. Throughout my trip, I learned how to ask for help, the first step being to see a counselor.
Share your skills and experiences with your family and friends. You didn't go through this fear-ridden hell to make no difference.
Greater awareness of stressful triggers
Many of my youngest son's triggers are like mine. Neither of us have major schedule changes and become overwhelmed when things are extremely busy. Because I see these triggers in me, I can see them in him now.
I can offer my wife a proactive hug or a warm "I love you" before the tears and dig into the self-care toolbox we have created. I am there for her more than ever because I am more conscious now. Growing up nobody saw my fights and I wish they had.
My fear brought me into closer alignment with the emotions of my family and friends. Take care and be there when they need you and the triggers are there.
Greater compassion
When I was growing up, my parents kept telling me to just relax. This advice makes me sick because it simplifies something that they did not understand. A token phrase unreachable in the midst of the emotional storm.
I know my wife and children and almost everyone would like to be stress free. But "just relaxing" is a meaningless phrase when our bodies are shaking. Understanding fear is a runaway locomotive, I can be more compassionate and understanding.
I've learned to just listen instead of freaking out the hell to fire off nasty emails. I don't have the answers to fix everything that goes wrong for those I love, but I have the love to support them in everything they do. I discovered that I may not be able to solve the problem, but I can stop myself from adding threats and gas light moments to add to the emotional turmoil.
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I never wanted to be nearly inoperable out of fear, but it happened. I always wanted to be the best husband and father possible. The one who didn't make the angry Grinch look like Mother Theresa on vacation. I've ruined many a festive occasion with my whipping.
Now I believe my legacy is changing. Do not change the ability to love, but rather to show love. Fortunately, my family and friends never stopped showing off theirs.
About Martin Gagnon
Martin Gagnon, certified meditation and mindfulness teacher and founder of Mellow Mainer Meditation, recognizes the stress relief of meditation and outdoor activities. His organization combines individual meditation coaching and guided nature excursions. For more information on its services, please visit www.mellowmainermeditation.com. Marty is an avid hiker and nature lover, and loves spending time outdoors. He also loves blues music and watches old Bob Ross episodes. Happy little trees are cool.
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