"To be a mother means learning about strengths that you did not know you had and dealing with fears that you never knew existed." ~ Linda Wooten
It was October 2016 and there I was staring at the wall after another sleepless night, caring for my one year old and feeling like a total failure because this motherhood thing still didn't feel natural to me at all. Why couldn't I just use my maternal instinct? Why did I feel like becoming a mother was making me fall apart instead of completing myself?
I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. In my case that was a matter of course. And like many little girls, I grew up romanticizing this idea. I couldn't wait to be one.
Even when I began to understand that it could get difficult (because babies don't sleep properly?), I was still confident that with my love, strength and sheer drive, I could overcome anything. Like many of us, I believed that it was natural for women to be mothers, that we were born to be mothers. Eventually, even when we struggle, our instincts kick in and we can find out.
Fast forward a year later and I can honestly tell you that my love, strength and drive just weren't enough. The truth was that becoming a mother tore my identity apart. I questioned everything. I didn't recognize myself anymore and my self-confidence was in the dump. I felt like I was broken into a million pieces and I didn't know how to put them back together.
It was eighteen months of overwhelming and endless questions with no answers before I finally realized that the old me would never come back. Everything had shifted.
For the longest time it felt like I was drowning and desperately looking for a lifeline. What I was really looking for was my own permission to want more than to be a mother and the courage and self-love to do it. I realized that motherhood had lost my identity and it was time to take it back.
I asked for help, went to therapy and hired a trainer. I gave myself the space to mourn the loss of my old self and slowly began to redefine myself as mother and woman. During my journey, I have worked endlessly to build my strength, courage, and confidence, and build my self-esteem and step into the world as a new me.
Here are five things I learned about motherhood on this trip that I wish someone had told me when I was feeling so lost:
1. It's not you. You are not the problem. It's not in your head
When I tried to understand what happened to me when I became a mother, I sincerely thought that I was the only one feeling this way. That I would never be able to measure myself and be both the old and the new me. That it was only me who always felt less than independent of what I was doing. But as I delved deeper into the feelings of other mothers, I realized that there are indeed terms for what we mothers experience. I've never felt so relieved and validated when I first found out about it.
The academic study of the transformation from woman to mother is known as matrescence, a term first coined in 1973 by the medical anthropologist Dana Raphael. Matrescence is the complete transformation (physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual) that a woman experiences when she becomes a mother.
Think of it as youth. Do you remember being a teenager when hormones were everywhere, you questioned everything, and you no longer felt like yourself? Pretty much the same thing happens when you become a mom, only this time you are expected to be cool and happy about it, not awkward and lost.
And the inner separation in matrescence refers to the feeling of being divided between the person we used to be and the mother we become. It's not just us or in our heads. It's a real identity shift and the reason we are constantly being drawn in all directions except the ones we want to go.
2. The expectations the world places on mothers and women are divided.
In addition to our individual difficulties becoming mothers, we have an additional layer of expectations and beliefs that society as a whole has placed on us as women and mothers who do not support us on this journey.
There is tremendous pressure on us to strive for everything: embarking on a successful career while being a great and dedicated mother and partner at home – not to mention an endless number of other things. But if you look closely, the expectations we all have of what a good mother should be compared to what a successful woman must do are completely at odds.
For me this was my greatest source of guilt. I always try to be loving, dedicated, and almost like a martyr to my children, while at the same time trying to have a successful career to which I must equally devote myself. Needless to say, I felt I was falling short on all fronts.
It was only when I realized that I was using external definitions of success to measure myself that I began to investigate what it really meant to me to be a good mother and a successful woman. And when I started giving myself permission to only do what felt right to me, I felt more peaceful with my daily choices.
3. Motherhood is difficult. You're not alone. It's a shared experience, but few speak of it that way.
Motherhood is full of contradictions. There is no right or wrong. Joy, love, guilt, sadness and anger coexist side by side. Mixing it up daily can feel like a meal or a blessing. Yet none of us feel safe expressing this. Nobody has told us that what we feel is not only normal but also expected, given the massive identity shift we experience when we become mothers. And since no one is talking about it, we don't know that it is actually a common experience for all mothers around the world.
We have to allow women to express the full range of emotions when it comes to motherhood. No mother should feel alone on this journey. I've learned that's why it's so important to share our stories. And why it is vital to our journey to get in touch, speak and build a community of other mother friends who can help and uplift one another.
4. Feeling guilty about wanting more can be a good sign.
Oh, mother's fault. All mothers know this is an ugly sucker to get stuck in. You feel guilty if you don't want to be a mom all the time. Because you are not with your children when you are with them. Because I'm not the perfect partner. For the need to mentally get out of your daily life every now and then. For the need for space. To take a seat! And the list goes on and on.
My guilt has always eaten me up. It would paralyze me and prevent me from taking action. My days went by without enjoying anything for myself because I felt so guilty about not doing what I was supposed to be doing. As I began my healing journey, I realized that if I continued this way, my guilt would turn into resentment, and it is much harder to get out of resentment than it is to get out of guilt.
Nowadays I see my guilt differently. I take it as a sign that I don't agree with what I really want or need. It's just another way my soul is calling me and telling me that I'm ready to get on with what I actually want in life.
When I feel my guilt rising, I take a break and remind myself that I am more than just a mother, as a partner, than my job. That there's nothing wrong with wanting more than what I have. And after a deep breath I ask myself: "What do I really need?" and i do it.
5. This is your chance to completely redefine yourself.
Probably the most important thing I learned is that motherhood can be a catalyst for change. The loss of identity I felt when I became a mother took me on a journey of self-discovery.
I had to destroy old beliefs and expectations of what I should be and do. Step by step, I rebuilt my self-confidence and redefined who I am now. I work daily to make sure I am focused on what I really need and want to feel alive, balanced and free.
Motherhood is a journey of unraveling, redefining and rebuilding, and no mother should feel alone, invisible and unheard of, which is probably her greatest challenge so far: discovering who she really should be.
About Adriana Paez
Adriana Paez is a certified life coach at www.adrianapaez.com and the mother of two children. Through coaching, workshops and writing, Adriana passionately supports mothers who feel they have lost their identity in order to regain control and find each other so that they can feel more balanced, more alive and free. Grab their FREE Mom Survival Guide.
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