“They say that abandonment is a wound that never heals. I'm just saying that an abandoned child never forgets. "~ Mario Balotelli
Loss is never an easy experience. It is a part of life, however, so we need to accept it and find ways to deal with it in order to move forward.
Whether someone dies or wants to end a relationship, loss hurts and can leave us feeling abandoned and potentially deep wounds and scars.
I recently read something that suggests abandonment is some kind of trauma and it can cause symptoms similar to PTSD if the abandonment problems from our past are triggered in the present. When these emotions are triggered, we switch to combat or flight mode.
I suffered great losses early in my life and there were problems of abandonment, trust and insecurity. Although most of the loss was caused by the death of loved ones, as a child and young adult I also saw the abandonment of people close to me who were safe and sound and made up a significant part of my life.
It started when I was only seven years old and my mother discovered that she had a brain tumor. She died when I was ten years old. My father was never honest with me about how seriously ill she was and that she was most likely to die. I was always told that mom would be fine.
Although I now know that he wanted to protect me, it was the beginning of many repetitive patterns in my life. Patterns of loss, abandonment, and delusion.
Has anyone ever been honest with me? Would anyone ever really love me and stick with it?
I lost many other family members between the ages of ten and twenty-four, which culminated with my father. Our relationship had grown strained over the years after my mother's death, mainly because his new wife, whom he had brought into our lives shortly after my mother's death, seemed to have little sympathy for a young girl who had lost her mother .
]
She and her daughter became the new priorities in my father's life. I felt abandoned at a young age by the one man I believed would be there for me after I lost my mother.
As I moved into my teenage years and early twenties, I looked for love and security wherever I could find it. When I found it, I tried to hold on, so tight that I often lost what I had.
After my teenage years, I kept looking for love, security and someone who would be open and honest with me. Someone I could trust 100 percent. I wanted someone to put me first. I was looking for someone who would finally prove to me that I was lovable and worth fighting for and staying.
Again and again I looked outside of myself instead of learning how to find the love and security that I so badly wanted inside me.
I've been in various relationships since I was sixteen, starting with a seven-year relationship that ended up feeling like another great loss. I not only lost him, but also his family, who had become a replacement for me. There were a couple of short-term relationships after that, then I got married at twenty-seven after dating someone for two years. We separated five years ago, officially divorced three years ago, and after that I went into a different relationship.
All of the loss and delusion that I experienced early on in life created various fears, fears that I now know I created. A fear of being alone (which is why I went from relationship to relationship), a fear of not being enough, a fear that someone will leave me in some way, a fear that people will not be honest with me .
We all have our own life experiences and our own stories. What matters is what we do with them. Do we take them and learn from them, or do we have any experiences we have and play the victim so that others will feel sorry for us?
I admit I played the victim for many years and wanted everyone to feel sorry for me. A lot of people told me that despite everything I'd been through, I was a strong person, but it took me many years to see this for myself. I saw it once when I was younger, but then it got buried for quite a long time. but now I am slowly finding it again.
I took a closer look at my life and the things that I have been through, especially when it comes to love and relationships.
I realized that I have attracted the same man many times. I believe this is based on my father's initial assignment, who seemed emotionally unavailable to a young girl who had lost her mother and instead plunged straight into something new so as not to really have to deal with it herself.
When I look at some of the most serious relationships I've had in my life so far, I see that they were all with men who were emotionally unavailable. Men who lacked empathy and compassion and who didn't know how to be there when I really had problems. Similar to my father.
I realize that I believed that if I could just convince an emotionally unavailable man to change, to really care and to be there for me – to heal this little girl's wounds – that would somehow make up for the pain I experienced as a small child who felt alone and was hurt and deceived for so many years.
I thought if I could just change one man it would remove all the pain I've had in my life all these years. The pain that was like a knife in my heart that someone twisted and twisted over and over, leaving an open wound that could never heal.
There were times when I did things that didn't feel right to me, just so that the man I was with would love me and stay with me. I wasn't authentic to myself just so I wouldn't be left alone.
I haven't learned the lessons that I had to learn. What do you think the universe has delivered further? Men who were emotionally unavailable or deceptive. Men I couldn't fully trust, men who had no empathy, men who made me insecure and insecure, men I had changed for.
Finally my eyes open. I now see that I will not find satisfaction in any relationship until I heal those wounds in myself. I have to discover my path to healing, to be whole and complete, to have the relationship that I really want.
That's exactly what I'm working on right now. Healing those childhood scars, learning to love myself, realizing that I am enough and that I deserve so much more than I have experienced before.
I know I deserve honesty and respect, care and compassion, and a man who will make me a priority in his life. I just turned fifty last year, and while part of me wishes I could have found out a long time ago, I believe everything happens when it's intended, and I'm fine with that.
We all learn the lessons we need in different steps. It can be a long or a short journey. It can be easy or difficult.
I can assure you of one thing based on my personal experience: the universe will continue to offer the opportunity to learn the lessons you need to learn until you finally come to that moment of clarity. A moment when on a calm day everything becomes crystal clear like a lake. A day when you can wake up and finally move forward.
And then move on to your next lesson because there will always be something to learn in life. If we don't learn, we don't grow.
So if you are struggling with something that seems to repeat itself in your life, take a look at what you have been through and see if you can find a cycle or pattern there. Remember where this pattern first started, most likely in your childhood.
Try to step out of the emotions of your current situation and see the deeper work that you need to do to really heal so that you can make changes in your life. That could mean that like me, you will be healed from leaving early. So you stop picking people who reject you. Or it can mean recognizing your worth as a person so that you can stop sabotaging yourself. Regardless of your pattern, there is one constant: you. The first step is to recognize that confidence is really key!
Then dig down and find your strength; it's in there! Make a decision that you will learn your lessons, break this pattern, and find true happiness in your life. We all deserve it!
Typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
