“If you blame or sentence someone else, you cannot change your experience. If you take responsibility for your beliefs and judgment, you can change them. " ~ Byron Katie
I'll never forget the day a dear friend told me I sound like a victim. I remember being outraged by a man who failed to meet my needs and expectations of love. In other words, he broke away from me and refused to fill my mug with the precious things I couldn't give myself: appreciation, self-care, and self-respect.
"How could he do that to me?" "Why do I have to go through this?" Here is a small selection of my repertoire of thoughts, full of anger, disappointment, guilt, shame and guilt.
While complaining, I expected my friend to be on my side. Shut up and listen. Join me in accusing this man of making me miserable and sad. Instead, she decided to be brutally honest:
“Dear, I can feel your pain. You may not realize this just yet, but you sound like a victim. "
That was not easy to digest. I didn't speak to her for months after this discussion, but today I am deeply grateful for this gift of honesty and true truth.
I took some time to think and record. I have temporarily closed for mental maintenance. Then I decided to hit the reset button and take a deep, in-depth journey inside myself to evaluate the only things I could ever control: my thoughts, my actions, and my emotions.
I wanted to dissolve everything that does not add value to my life and make space for the things that are important:
What did I no longer want to think?
Did I still hold onto old beliefs from the past?
What did I no longer want to feel?
How did I no longer want to behave
Which behaviors and relationships did I not want to tolerate?
That was a transformation exercise, and here is what I decided to let go as a result:
1. Self-neglect
I decided to love and approve of myself for who I was and to take good care of my wants and needs without feeling guilty or selfish. I have made a commitment not to put my life on hold until "The One" shows up and makes me happy forever.
I began to exercise regularly, eat healthier food, take time out for hobbies, go out with friends, travel and see the world. Instead of expecting someone else to bring joy into my life, I offered it to myself from within.
"Don't wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul." ~ Mario Quintana
2. Self-criticism
I stopped calling myself, lying down, and squatting down to make others feel good – a powerful lesson in self-love and self-respect. I decided to remove poisonous words like “stupid” or “failure” from my vocabulary. I have learned to become aware of my self-talk as a form of self-care.
Whenever I have disempowering thoughts about how I look or what I'm doing, I pause for a moment and ask myself: “Would I tell a friend that? Would I call a good friend "idiot", "fat", or "stupid"? "I know I wouldn't. Why should I tell myself that?
I began to perceive myself as enough and lovable. Not because others said it, but because I wanted to believe it. Before that I hated my body for years. Always on a diet, finding myself too fat to be loved. Not smart enough; not pretty enough. An "average type of woman", so "why would anyone want to be with me?"
I used to be desperate for a man's love and approval. It took me months of deep inner work to make peace with my body and no longer judge my worthiness by a man's (or someone else's) opinion of me.
"You are what you believe." ~ Buddha
3. Negativity
I broke away from toxic relationships, gossip and negative people whom I had previously been allowed to criticize as a single in my thirties, as if something was wrong with me and I was broken.
Instead, I decided to surround myself with positive, non-judgmental people who had helped me grow, people I could learn from.
Goodbye, people please! I stopped saying yes to things I didn't really want to do in the hopes that I would be accepted, liked, and approved. I set healthy boundaries and stopped seeing people who only called when they needed something from me.
I deleted old contacts from my phone. I looked at my Facebook profile and unfriendly people who I wasn't close to or who just complained and posted negative content. I removed myself from Facebook groups that I no longer wanted to belong to.
"If you are not comfortable with people, don't change. Change people." ~ Cheryl Richardson
4th guilt
I stopped blaming people for how they "felt" me. Blaming others for taking our money, time, and love is unfair because we always choose how much to give and to whom.
Instead, I ask empowering questions like:
What could I have done differently?
What do I take away from this experience?
What do I know today that I didn't know before?
What is the pain gain?
Such questions are empowering because they free us from the conditioning of a victim and the belief that things are imposed on us by other people and external circumstances. They shift our focus away from the perceived shortcomings of other people and towards the things that we can personally control.
"Nobody can make you inferior without your consent." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
5th comparison
I stopped comparing myself to other women who seemed to have everything: the husband, the children, the house and the dog. I realized that everyone was on their own journey and I wished them all the best.
From previous romantic relationships that didn't work out, I realized what I wanted from a romantic partner. I wanted a lover and a friend. I wanted to feel supported and valued by someone who was warm, fun, intelligent and kind.
I've learned. I trusted the flow of life and I am married to this wonderful man today. We've been married six years now, and I gave birth to our baby girl last year at the age of forty-one. I didn't do it on someone else's timeline, but I have a life that I love.
“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. it just blooms. "~ Zen Shin
I understood that the only person responsible for my happiness is me and everything else is a bonus. I know this might sound selfish, but it isn't. Self-love is a necessity. Long lasting happiness cannot come from someone else, only from ourselves, from within.
About Sara Fabian her calling and living a meaningful life of intention. For useful tips and inspiration, subscribe to her free newsletter at sarafabiancoaching.com and follow her on Facebook or Instagram.
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