“Love rests on two pillars: devotion and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separation. "~ Esther Perel
Healthy relationships require a delicate balance between intimacy and autonomy, giving and receiving, self and other.
As we struggle to tackle this delicate balancing act, we may feel less like graceful acrobats than more like pendulums swaying ruthlessly from side to side. When I think about my own romantic journey, I notice a trend: I've gotten very close to previous partners, got completely lost in them, and then emerged from the coherent haze, terrified and abandoned.
"Never again!" I would swear. "I'd rather be alone than lose myself in a relationship!" So I spent a few months indulging in complete independence – dating sporadically, not getting committed, keeping my heart locked – until my loneliness sent me into the arms of another partner.
So what is the balance? The answer lies in the idea of interdependence: relationships based on mutual intimacy and mutual separation.
Licensed professional advisor Jodi Clark explains: “An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability and can meaningfully contact their partner to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that enables them and their partner to be themselves without having to compromise who they are or their value system ”(emphasis added).
In contrast, there are codependent relationships between partners who predominantly rely on each other for value or purpose. People in dependent relationships tend to neglect themselves while over-prioritizing their partner's values, needs, and dreams. The result? A painful and palpable loss of self.
How can we gracefully walk the tightrope between togetherness and separation? After all, bonding with others is not wrong – it is natural and necessary. But how much is too much? How can you tell if your relationship is codependent or interdependent?
Here are 7 key points that distinguish codependent from interdependent relationships:
1. Co-dependent relationships : I use my partner's love to fill a gap in self-love.
Interdependent relationships : I love myself and my partner at the same time.
In codependent relationships, it seems that there is not enough love to go around – because there are none. A co-dependent partner can make up for their own lack of self-love by trying to strictly fill their empty well with their partner's love. She may be very vigilant and look for scraps of love like a vulture could.
This is how I felt before I started restoring code independence. My love for myself was so low that I felt like a starving outcast, desperate for something like the upkeep. My desperation made me more likely to accept meager substitutes for love. I yearned for attention – even if it was negative.
In interdependent relationships, we replace this scarcity mentality with an excess mentality. There is a lot of love to walk around. We have a source of self-love and – the icing on the cake! – the love of a partner who cares deeply for us.
2. Co-dependent relationships : I do not communicate my own needs sufficiently to prioritize my partner's needs.
Interdependent relationships : I can express my needs freely and am receptive to the needs of my partner.
For healthy, interdependent relationships, partners do not have to shrink, minimize or submit. They allow freedom of expression for both parties.
This does not mean that all needs are met 100 percent. However, both partners understand that they are complex, unique beings with different needs and preferences. Differences of opinion need not jeopardize the security of the relationship.
As the saying goes, "Any relationship you have that could be ruined by talking about your feelings, standards or expectations was not stable enough at first."
3. Co-dependent relationships : I use the time with my partner to not be alone.
Interdependent Relationships : I enjoy the time and the time I spend with my partner.
If we cannot find peace or joy in our own company, we will unrealistically strain our relationships in order to be our only lucky charms.
Years ago, the length of time that separated the end of the working day from seeing my partner stretched like an endless desert. I was terribly worried at my own company and used every numbing device to pass the time: vodka recordings at 4 p.m., binge-watching girls, whatever. When I could see my partner, my night finally started seriously. My partner at the time, of course, could feel this and rightly felt burdened by the lack of a private life.
If we enjoy our own company, we can enjoy the time with our partners without using this time to escape our own fear. It also enables our partners to feel valued for who they are – not for the negative emotions they keep us from feeling.
4. Dependent relationships : My relationship is responsible for making me happy.
Interdependent relationships : I am responsible for my own happiness and my love to create joy together with my partner.
Can romantic partnerships make us happy? Absolutely.
Will we be happy if our romantic relationships are our only source of happiness? Absolutely not.
When it comes to our happiness or mental health, we cannot put all our eggs in one basket. The risks are too great.
I still remember the days when a disagreement with my partner at the time felt like the end of the world. When we argued, everything was wrong. The single outlet that distributed my luck was broken! This was not the recipe for a grounded or balanced life.
My tunnel vision meant that I was more likely to react to arguments, to give my partner less space when he needed him, and to react more to small differences of opinion as if they were disasters – which leads me to point 5 …
5. Co-dependent relationships : I cannot tolerate intense emotions. To calm me down, my partner has to calm me down.
Interdependent Relationships : I can calm down when I am in need and ask for help if I want support.
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Learning to calm down in need gives us a strong basis for resilience, inner strength and self-confidence.
When I am desperate, I follow a personal blueprint. Depending on my mood, I can rest in bed and wait for my nervous system to calm down, go for a run to release my energy, or a diary. I also have a shortlist of people I like to call, including a few dear friends, my sponsor, my family, and my partner. My partner is one of my sources of reassurance; it is not the only source.
If my partner is unable to calm me down at a certain moment, he knows that I can meet this need in other ways. He doesn't feel that he has to neglect his own needs to protect my mental or emotional health. When a partner has to neglect their own well-being to reassure another, resentment inevitably arises.
6. Co-dependent relationships : I prioritize my partner or my partnership at the expense of my own goals and dreams.
Interdependent relationships : I can pursue my own goals and dreams and can build a life with my partner.
All relationships require a certain compromise. However, we can only make so many compromises before our self-confidence begins to erode. If you find yourself sacrificing most of your dreams and desires to benefit your partnership, you probably don't really meet in the middle.
Sacrificing our goals can have unintended and catastrophic consequences for the relationships for which we sacrificed them. Separated from our dreams, we are separated from a core component of who we are. We lose the elixir of life, motivation and energy that drive us forward in the world. The unique abilities and gifts that we possess rust and deteriorate through inadequate use. Our senses, our value and our self-esteem sink like clockwork.
If your partnership is completely contrary to your own vision of the future, think carefully. Your partner can be a fantastic person at the same time and completely wrong with your goals.
7. Co-dependent relationships : I cannot imagine leaving my partner under any circumstances.
Interdependent Relationships : I am deeply invested in my partnership and I know that I can leave if it becomes toxic or unhealthy.
Both partners must be ready to leave a relationship if it should ever become toxic or unhealthy.
"But wait," you may be thinking, "doesn't that mean they just don't really feel committed to each other?"
Not at all. The ability to persevere in a period of controversy, tension, or stagnation is essentially a prerequisite for a long-term relationship. Exposing yourself to an unhealthy or toxic dynamic, however, is an entirely different matter. The unwillingness to leave a toxic partnership (when this is otherwise financially and logistically possible) shows a profound lack of self-love and self-advocacy.
Even when they are deeply unhappy in their partnerships, many co-dependent people feel unable to walk – or to set effective boundaries with their partners. This paralysis is often driven by beliefs such as "life would be meaningless without it", "I could never find anyone", "I will be alone forever" or "It is better to be unhappily married than to be single and alone".
It is easy to see how a lack of self-love contributes to this scarcity mentality.
If you recognize yourself in the above depictions of disjointed relationships, do not be discouraged. I was previously in strongly interdependent partnerships and now I agree with every interdependent statement on this list. With effort and practice, it is possible to grow out of our codependent conditioning and find healthy, interdependent relationships.
Codependence is essentially a dysfunctional relationship with the self that results from a lack of self-esteem – and is generally the result of an upbringing in a neglected or dysfunctional family. When we rediscover our own sense of purpose, worth, and self-compassion, we no longer have to rely on our partners to develop our only sense of self. We can engage in our relationships in a balanced, grounded, differently loving, and self-loving way.
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