"Forgiving means releasing a prisoner and discovering that the prisoner was you." ~ Lewis B. Smedes
When it came to my ex-girlfriend, I had trouble letting go.
She was a girl I had fallen in love with for a few years. Funnily enough, she suddenly started to like me and announced that she was in love with me through our mutual friends.
I had my doubts about our compatibility from the start. We hardly had any common interests and it was difficult for me to connect with her in discussions. But my friend said that things would be different if we made an appointment, as was the case for him and his girlfriend, so I decided to try things out.
We separated after a year of dating, but we met again and again in the next two years. Like so many couples, we didn't know how we should be together or how we should be without each other. We weren't just incompatible. we were toxic together and our relationship was full of drama.
When our turbulent relationship ended, she didn't let go of the relationship I was having trouble with. It was letting go of the negative thoughts and feelings that I held towards her. I blamed her for what she had done to me during our time together.
Although I could continue to blame her, I knew at a deeper level that the mistake wasn't just her.
I would be annoyed about the smallest things about them. And although I was always an optimistic person during the relationship, I was very negative.
I was convinced that we couldn't last a week without a fight. And it always happened like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We finally separated when we each moved to different parts of the country.
However, the feelings of guilt and resentment that I had in the relationship bothered me long after it ended.
Years ago I came across a quote from Buddha that read:
“Holding on to anger is like grabbing a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else. you are the one who is burned "
I wanted to let go of these feelings because I knew that holding on to them wasn't good for me. However, intellectual knowledge alone is often not enough; To let go of negativity, we often need a practical step.
And that's exactly what I found in Rhonda Byrne's book The Magic.
Her book included an exercise in healing relationships through gratitude. She said that focusing on what we are grateful to the other person could help heal and eliminate negative feelings.
When I started looking for things to be thankful for, I noticed that there were indeed many things to appreciate – things that weren't immediately obvious because my mind was fixated on all negatives.
Like the times when she could be really sweet and caring, and the wonderful and thoughtful birthday gifts she gave me over the years. Above all, she never judged me and helped me accept parts of me that I could hardly accept.
The relationship made it clear to me how judgmental I could be, which was not previously clear to me. It also taught me how powerful the thoughts and feelings we put in a relationship, whether positive or negative.
The feelings of resentment I showed her did not magically go away overnight, possibly because I had persisted for so long.
It took me a few times to write them over the years before the guilt and negativity waned. And I'm happy to say that these feelings are no longer there.
In my view, it is impossible to change what happened. The only thing I can change is the perspective with which I look back on the relationship.
It's true we didn't have the best relationships, far from it. But I wouldn't have learned the things I did if everything was perfect. I think relationships are like that. There are no failed relationships. The only failed relationships are those in which we don't learn anything.
Changing my perspective brought me a lot of peace and helped me to let go of the thoughts and feelings that bothered me.
I hope that if you feel resentment towards someone, you can let go by changing your perspective and finding a way to learn, grow, or benefit from the relationship. In the end, we do ourselves the greatest favor by letting go.
About Anoop Abraham
Anoop Abraham is the founder of the blog The Soul Jam. The blog is about simple and practical tips to live better and be happier. It contains content on personal growth, spirituality and productivity. He is a lover of solo travel, music, conversation, metaphysics and loneliness. You can contact him on Instagram and Facebook. You can see the best articles from The Soul Jam here.
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