"Your brain can play tricks, your heart can be blind, but your gut is always right." ~ Rachel Wolchin
Have you ever wondered why it can be incredibly difficult to make a decision? The pros and cons lists, the endless stream of thoughts that speak to and then against it, the fear of possible disappointments, wrong actions or regrets can paralyze us with self-doubt.
I can relate very much to this cycle. In the past, I've had extreme difficulty making decisions. I would be completely obsessed with all aspects of the process and would try to discuss it with anyone who listens and writes list by list which direction is best.
Finally I realized that my "process" was not working. In the end, I only increased my confusion and self-doubt. The more I talked about the different options and the opinions of others, the less clarity I had, which led me to involve more people in the process. This was a cycle that became endless and crazy for those closest to me.
I had read about access to my intuition that was supposed to guide me, but I still didn't know how to use this supposed "whisper" that already knew the answer. How exactly should I find, hear and use it? I assumed that no one else had this problem as bad as I did and that it would take years of self-exploration to fix it.
When we have difficulty using our intuition and trusting ourselves, the "how" of everything can feel overwhelming.
I am pleased to inform you that opening up this part of me did not require years of self-exploration, but rather the willingness and openness to leave my consciousness – the thinking part of me – and my subconscious – the emotional and that Emotional – exploring feeling myself as part of me. When I learned to relax deeply and calm this deeper part of myself, clarity became natural.
Three ways to access your intuition
1. Give permission from our spirit
We can feel extreme resistance when we connect to our bodies, when we are stressed or afraid to find out. We want to stay in our heads and solve it logically without allowing ourselves to give up the problem for even a few minutes. We don't know that this only leads to more indecisiveness and stress and increases our cortisol levels, which affects our ability to think clearly.
Important decisions are made through access to belief in ourselves, where our mind and body are connected in harmony. Like so many other matters of the heart, this can feel very counterintuitive.
The deeper we can relax, the stronger our mind will be to gain clarity and make the right decision.
This may look like we are speaking with our consciousness and letting it know that we are working on things: "I am working on it, so I will give you the clarity that you require." This gives us permission to leave our heads and decrease the resistance we feel. We assure the mind that we will not give it up forever, only for the moment. We will come back. This calms the chatter that we have hardwired into a continuous loop of thought.
If your permission is unable to calm your mind and access your intuition, it can help to go out into nature, direct your excess energy into a creative project, or simply the silence in the chaos of to practice everything. This helps us to overcome the impulse to "do" something out of fear and worry. When we leave our logical mind and connect with this deeper part of us, the emotional waves can go away and clarity can arise.
2. Identify what we feel
Building trust and trust in ourselves begins with the connection to our body and what we feel. Where do we keep tensions or feelings related to external stress within us? How does it feel? Where does it feel easier or heavier?
If we practice leaving our thinking mind, we will feel different sensations as we continue to relax into what we want and let it come in. The distinctions may feel extremely subtle at first, but as we deepen our awareness through relaxation we will begin to identify nuances in our decisions that will lead us to the one that best matches what we want. We want to stay open and notice gentle intuitive nudges in one direction over the other.
I once had to make a difficult decision about my eldest son's schooling, which caused all kinds of mixed feelings. My husband and I agreed early on to move him to a larger primary school because his current school was very small and we wanted him to have a different teaching experience with his teachers and colleagues.
I struggle with endings, and even though I knew that about myself, my emotions still wanted to take control. A decision that activated old pain points in me in the large scheme of things that didn't have to feel so stressful.
I started to be a first grader myself when my parents made decisions that felt like hard transitions. I didn't want him to feel unheard, unsupported, or angry. It became clear to me that I was caught up in my own triggers, my own experience, and let fear and worry completely go through me.
I felt deeply conflicted and afraid to make the wrong decision for my son, but I knew the answer would not come from speaking out.
I practiced visualizing a pendulum and paid close attention to the direction in which it drifted slightly. Was it a little closer to yes or no? When faced with similar feelings of insecurity, I still love to close my eyes and notice whether the pendulum swings a little more to the right or left, and to explore that direction a little more.
3. Awaken curiosity
If we arouse curiosity, we can differentiate whether we react or not.
Curiosity enables us to be exactly where we are, without judging ourselves as undecided or not knowing the answer immediately.
For example, when I decided to be curious and compassionate about myself instead of closing myself off and feeling frustrated when I felt I couldn't make a decision for my son, I was able to go deeper into the "why" of immersing what I wanted.
As I leaned into each scenario and remembered what was discussed calmly and with full awareness, I felt a subtle but distinct difference as I relaxed with each choice.
I saw how I was involved in short-term fears, how I was seen by the school we were leaving, what the other families would think, what if I regretted it, and crawled back in six months
I learned that the compulsion to project into the future and let worries take over was endless and kept me from the joys of starting a new chapter for him with new opportunities.
I started to distinguish between my intuition and my ego's need to have a constant problem that requires my full attention. Through this practice I also learned to listen to myself, to pay attention to these differences and to believe in myself.
I was then able to choose the option that most clearly corresponds to my "why". I could see how fear prevented me from making a decision and how my "why" to want to make other decisions was valid for a reason!
Curiosity allows us to explore our options in an open, non-judgmental, compassionate manner with ourselves so that we can respond from a place of clarity instead of responding quickly and emotionally.
To arouse your curiosity, ask yourself: What are the reasons why you want or don't want it? Are your reasons legitimate? What is the thinking process behind what you want? Is it reactionary? What needs to be done to really own this decision?
As we continue to ask questions, we calm the unconscious part of ourselves that is fearful, excited, and fearful, and prevent triggered emotions from taking over and leading.
We can give ourselves permission to eradicate fear by asking, "What would I want to do if I weren't scared?"
This enables the conscious part of us to intervene and make decisions and control the reactions that are deeply rooted in our subconscious, our childhood, previous triggers and past disappointments.
When we awaken this connection within us, we begin to identify deeply with what we need now and not with the unmet needs of our past.
With practice and patience, I am confident that decision-making feels like a completely different experience and that what once felt impossible turns into a deeper way of connecting and knowing about ourselves.
About Jen Michelle
Jen Michelle is an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and Certified Love and Relationship Coach. She is passionately interested in helping you become your most authentic self to have the kind of deep connection you want with others. You can find more works by Jen on her website at jenmichellecoaching.com and download her free report "How to get your love life going again". You can also find Jen on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Pinterest.
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