"You don't have to be brave all the time. They won't be harmed or defeated. Be patient. Give yourself permission to grieve, cry and heal. Allow a little compassion, you're doing the best you can you can. We are all. " ~ Unknown
When I was growing up, I received the message that everything had to look in a certain way. It was just okay to feel positive emotions, and any expression of recalcitrant emotions was completely unacceptable.
It was not that someone said this to me directly. I was not given any written rules to follow. I have not received any speeches or training on how to present myself in public. But the message came across.
It was forwarded to me in sentences like "Don't cry, you're fine", "Relax, people are watching", "Just ignore them" and "Don't let things bother you". It was conveyed to me by subtle criticism of my reactions, which in my opinion was translated to "You are not good enough when you feel bad".
In many ways, I was brought up to feel uncomfortable with my emotions. I became convinced that negative emotions were a defect in me rather than a natural and essential part of my being. It wasn't something my parents deliberately did to hurt me. In fact, they were probably trying to avoid seeing me in pain. They just followed what most people and parents do.
We advise others to avoid their pain and angry feelings. Getting back in shape even after an immense tragedy.
We hear things like "Your cousin died? Well, he's in heaven now. "" You had to put your dog to sleep? Well, he just crossed the rainbow bridge and yet you can always get another dog. "
People don't advise you to sit with uncomfortable feelings. They don't tell you that it's okay to be sad, hurt, or scared.
As a young and impressive little person, I internalized my parents' messages and fought against every "negative" emotion I had. That is, until the feelings that I tried so hard to avoid took over my body and manifested as a series of seemingly inexplicable health problems and panic attacks.
As I got older, I became so scared that I couldn't hide it anymore. When I reached the point where I felt uncontrollably uncomfortable, I embarked on a journey of self-exploration.
I realized that my only choice was to examine what I felt and find out what these feelings could tell me about myself. For the first time in my life, I decided to find out what my emotions were really about. I decided to find out why I was so damn worried.
Many of us are ashamed of their own feelings and thoughts.
We believe that our unfavorable feelings make us weak and we fear that other people would think less of us if they knew how bad we actually felt. If we allow dominant notions of harsh emotions to take over our own thoughts, we can be ashamed of ourselves for the rest of our lives.
When we are emotional, we can feel completely powerless as if we would never gain any control over our thoughts, bodies, or surroundings. It can feel so uncomfortable to be upset that we choose to numb ourselves instead of taking the risk of feeling pain.
I had done everything wrong for so many years. But when it clicked, everything changed.
The meaning of life is not to numb our feelings. We will always feel something and sadness will always try to express itself in our life. It is a fact of life. We can try to avoid anything we want, but the more we distance ourselves from this reality, the more control it gains over us.
Freedom comes when we feel our hard feelings expressed but they no longer let our lives rule.
The more we try to avoid our true nature, the more everything we do not want to feel is shown with all our might.
The more I tried to get rid of worries, sadness, negative thoughts and panic attacks, the more they seemed to exist. The longer they persisted, the more reactive I became when I was afraid. And the more reactive I became, the more fear of power I had in my life.
If we try to get rid of anything in life, we create resistance; and the more we resist something, the more it shows up. The famous psychologist Carl Jung said: "What you resist will not only remain, but will also increase in size." So the goal here is not to get rid of anxiety, panic attacks or sadness, but to work on our intolerance to these feelings. It's about learning how to deal with the discomfort.
We gain no consolation, no self-compassion, and no rest if we oppose or wish things to be different. We achieve true calm by leaving it in order when we are sad and anxious and then letting it go.
The more you fight against it, the more it will show up. The more you allow it, the less power it will have over you.
Of course this is easier said than done. It is a natural instinct to banish anything that feels uncomfortable. However, by continually deeply accepting what is, we put ourselves in the best position to change it or even gain freedom from it so that we can get past it.
I did the following to withdraw from the anesthetic and stumble into my new world with tolerance for my emotions:
1. Know that it is okay to be scared and upset.
Without a doubt, the most important thing to remember is that it's okay to feel overwhelmed and stressed. It's okay to feel lost and insecure. It's okay to have no idea how you'll hold it together sometimes. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be happy all the time. It's okay to see when times are tough. It's okay to feel anxious, even if it's uncomfortable.
2. Become an observer of your life.
Instead of judging and getting angry with myself for feeling in a certain way, I decided to watch my feelings and my surroundings. I decided to slow down and watch. I remember that when we are busy judging ourselves by our feelings, we do not honor ourselves.
Our feelings are involuntary; We have no control over them. However, we are in control of how we choose to respond to these emotions. When we accept our emotions as they come, take possession of them and avoid leaving them to the people we love, we train ourselves to manage our emotions from within.
3. Decide who you want to be.
I have found that it is much easier to be happy, kind and optimistic when your life is going well. It is much more difficult to hold on when stress and anxiety are high. Knowing this, I try to stay true to who I am, even in unfortunate situations. Even if I feel excited or upset, I know that I can choose to respond in such a way that I can shine through. Just because I don't feel so good doesn't mean that I have to take it out from everyone I care about.
4. Know that it is okay to feel strong emotions.
In difficult times, our emotions can feel more intense. We can lose hope or be more reactive. While it is perfectly fine to maintain an optimistic perspective on life, it is also important that we can process and feel the full spectrum of emotions.
5. Remember that negative emotions also have a place in our lives.
Sadness, anger, frustration, boredom, fear etc. all have a place in our lives. The key is not to avoid or numb these emotions, but to experience and learn to handle them effectively so that they do not rule our lives.
Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to deal with their negative feelings – also because we were taught to suppress them. As children, many of us are told not to cry, which makes us think that crying is bad.
As adults, our natural impulse is usually to mask these feelings when we experience excretions such as depression or anxiety. We can have an inner voice that tells us to forget it; We can even turn to drugs, food restrictions, or binge eating to distract ourselves from our emotions.
As humans we are simply unable to numb a selected group of emotions. So when we numb sadness, we also numb happiness, joy and other positive emotions. What is worse, fighting our own negative emotions may cause more suffering. It is hard work to deny something that we really feel. It takes energy; it wears us down. Instead of trying to ignore our feelings, it is better for us to work on observing them.
It is okay to admit that you are injured or have problems. We are all going through hard times. And maybe we find some comfort in remembering that we are not alone. But first we have to accept what happens. Then we can decide how best to deal with it.
About Ilene S. Cohen
Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, blogger and professor. With her recent publication of her self-help book entitled "When It Is Never About You", she is a regular contributor to Psychology Today. Her work is based on her passion to help people achieve their goals and live a fulfilling and meaningful life. To find out more about Dr. To learn Ilene, visit www.doctorilene.com.
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