"Disneyland is the star, everything else is the supporting role." ~ Walt Disney
"Just take a shower, I'll text you before I leave x."
I had received this text only ten minutes ago. What the hell was wrong with me?
I stood there like a crazy woman in my kitchen and had a panic attack. My thoughts were furious with thoughts like "Does he like me at all?" and "What if he doesn't show?" and I cried uncontrollably. I hated making myself feel that way. I had ruined my make-up and hadn't put myself in a state of anything.
Half an hour later he showed up and everything was fine. We had a nice afternoon and evening together. Everything went well, better than I expected, and I was really happy.
He was an amiable guy.
But I knew that was not the end. These thoughts and fears would come back to catch me with all my might at some point … probably before I see him again.
Why did I keep falling victim to these gruesome thoughts that relentlessly punished me with their horror stories? Because everything it did made me run away from real happiness.
Either that or turn people into monsters through my own negative projections. No matter what, the end was always the same. Which in turn confirmed my fears and strengthened my sabotaging beliefs about the world and above all about myself.
It became crystal clear that happiness was too much for me … because I had no idea what to do with it.
You see, I developed a fear of happiness when I was very young.
My earliest memory was of my Nan (a place I loved more than anywhere else) and it taught me how to slide down the stairs on my ass.
I also remember that I was really scared and hid when my aunt yelled at her and my grandpa and sometimes became physically violent. Then my aunt wouldn't talk to anyone for hours. Severe tensions would spread to the household, and I would sit on the same stairs and cry in front of my aunt's bedroom door and apologize, not even sure what I did wrong.
At home, I remember sitting in my bedroom listening to my parents arguing downstairs. I remember my mother yelling at my father and then yelling at my mother from my stepfather in the coming years. Wherever I went there was always a kind of drama.
But I got used to it very quickly. My coping mechanism was to pull back, keep my head down, and pretend it wasn't going to happen. I talked to my cuddly toys, turned up the television, or buried my nose in a book. These were my escapisms, while unpredictability, insecurity and concern became a way of life.
It also became second nature for me to expect that any kind of comfort or a hint of happiness could be taken away from me in no time.
As I got older, I became my worst enemy, repeating the same story with jobs and relationships, always waiting for the other shoe to fall, and finally sabotaging it with my fear. I wasn't even comfortable with physical wellbeing, so I put my health at risk from bulimia nervosa, alcohol excesses, and drug use.
I was stuck in a push-pull dynamic. I longed for stability, but every lasting feeling of well-being scared me. It contradicted everything I got used to as a child. So I would deliberately do something to destroy it and stick to the act that I knew all too well.
After years of personal development and spiritual growth, this became on / off, but unbearable up / down. And although it's easy to blame others, I can see my parents get stuck in their own negative stories of disappointment and defense. We cannot teach others what we do not know ourselves.
It is tempting to vomit: "Well, I had a tough upbringing and had a number of abusive relationships and so on." But do you know what? This is no longer the story I want for myself.
I'm ready for a brand new story and a whole new genre. And it's called peace and happiness. This is the script that I am currently writing for myself and that I will pass on to any children I may have.
For those of us who have been taught to expect chaos and conflict, it can be difficult to understand the difference between happiness and need.
Admittedly, I spent a lot of time walking back and forth and saying yes to stress (in the form of abusive men and unreachable goals) while hesitating about simple actions that I knew to be the decisive ones Would make a difference to my wellbeing.
I looked for problems that didn't exist and I ignored those that stare at my face. I put myself in stupid situations and then lost control of the people around me. I acted out of habit instead of listening to my own intuition telling me to go away or do something else.
By re-educating myself and thinking about all these so-called "mistakes", I have grown by leaps and bounds.
I understood that I was never deprived of love because I had done something wrong. I had just taken on this particular act, which made me feel vulnerable and scared when something good came into my life.
This awareness has helped me make peace with my childhood, forgive my parents and let go of resentment and guilt. Towards you and even more towards myself.
Through the natural ups and downs of daily life, I managed to find stability and balance in myself. Let's call it a cliché, but there is a reason why self-love is emphasized in the world of personal growth.
My relationship with myself is based on trust, respect, care, compassion and encouragement. A relationship in which I say to myself: "You worked hard today, have the night off, Holly. It's okay to relax."
I can now look into my own eyes in the mirror and ask myself: "What do you need right now? What can I do to make you feel better?" And say: "Do you know what? I am really proud of you for taking action and making this decision. "
I also allow myself to feel the fear and unworthiness if they hit me without getting angry and frustrated. Instead, I keep myself in a space of love and security where all creepy thoughts and feelings can dissolve on their own.
That is true strength and strength, and practice makes it easier. Trust me, it does.
Because the rewards speak for themselves. In the form of relief, light-heartedness and periods of rest that grow longer over time.
The temptation to rummage through my cupboards for biscuits and chips or to drink a whole bottle of Shiraz and chain smoke until my lungs hurt no longer seems as appealing as before.
Instead, a relaxing bubble bath beckons me, a yoga nidra practice before bed or a walk along the coast – and I go. Things that I once would have called boring.
What I now fully embrace is fun and freedom. Give me permission to laugh and be silly, take the time to be present and not worry about the future. And instead of looking for potential problems, I'm looking for the buried treasure that's waiting for me – in every possible outcome, knowing that I don't care what is wrong.
As simple as this may sound theoretical, the most important thing you should take out of my story is this:
There is no ultimate goal or "happy ending". There is only development, expansion and growth. We can spend our lives chasing happiness and emotional fulfillment, or we can actually allow and experience them in the here and now.
We can think of happiness as something we struggle for and need to achieve, and then worry about losing when we feel close, or we can think of it as a series of choices that we make meet daily – starting with the most important choices:
Do we think it is safe to let go and feel happy, or do we keep telling the same story about possible disappointments?
True happiness and success come from understanding that right now the only thing that counts – the thoughts you think, the words you speak, the actions you take.
At this moment you are creating your story for yourself. And you can change the script, storyline, and genre at any time. You can assign yourself to the role you are aiming for and actually become. You don't have to wait for another person or other external condition to make this decision for you.
Riding in the sunset with your soul mate and a treasure chest may be far-fetched, but it doesn't have to be love, hope and excitement for life. As my Nan always told me, "Life is what you make of it."
Your life can be the way you want it to be.
See all the tears and grief as medals and badges you deserve. See them as success stories that represent strength of character and belief, because it is these attributes that have brought you to where you are now. They are the priceless asset you can rely on to take you wherever you want to go next.
You are the author and illustrator of your own story, so do it well.
Not for others you talk about and who greet you, but for you who honor you and who you can be proud of. One to pause and think about whenever you fight and relax in brand new, exciting chapters.
As Walt Disney said: "Disneyland is the star, everything else is the supporting role."
You are the star who brings your story to life. Think of this moment as a blank page where you can mark yourself in the way you choose. Because that's the only power you ever really have.
And the truth is, it's the only one you'll ever need.
About Holly Lochinger
Holly is a free spirit with a crazy sense of humor and a childish addiction to fun and mischief. You can either find her on a coastal walk in Dorset, take a dog down in her lounge, or discover new ways to inspire her customers. Take advantage of their free gift "7 Days To Fun & Freedom", which shows you how you can reduce the stress of life and create space for real miracles.
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