"To set limits, you have to have the courage to love yourself, even if we risk disappointing others." ~ Brené Brown
It is difficult for me to say no. Be it for a loved one or a stranger, for work tasks or for a new hobby, something that I enjoy or despise. So I say yes instead. I say yes to everyone and everything until I am exhausted, exhausted and have nothing left to give.
When the COVID quarantine started, I had to delete my calendar. Appointments, meetings, travel plans – everything canceled. Instead of feeling disappointed, I felt lighter. I now had a valid excuse to let go of my overbooked plans, and I was given a socially acceptable reason to say no. For the first time in my life since childhood, I had room to be simple.
As the restrictions on on-site accommodations increased, calls and invitations to meetings poured in. Like dirt, where the gates once held back the water, I was flooded with the request to do more – reconnect with my loved ones, make late appointments, work for charity, start new projects.
I felt fear increase as I tried to keep my calendar clear. I realized that if I wanted to keep space in my life, I had to learn the art of saying no without needing an excuse.
In a culture where activity is the norm and worn as a badge of honor, it is particularly difficult to maintain a healthy space in our lives. But for everything we say yes to, there are always opportunity costs. When we say yes to everyone and everything, we say no to ourselves.
Why we say yes when we want to say no
Human-friendly
We want to make people happy and say yes, even if it means sacrificing something that is important to us. However, it is almost impossible to make others happy when they rely on us to make it available to them.
There is a good balance between compromise and becoming a martyr. If we give up something that is important to us until the energy is exhausted, we will bring happiness to no one, especially not to ourselves.
guilt
If we say yes because we feel guilty, we can engage in activities and relationships that make us feel drained. Maybe we say yes because we feel that there is some level of expectation or obligation.
In some roles, there are responsibilities associated with the territory, e.g. B. at parenthood or as an employee; However, this does not mean saying yes to every demand. The more we say yes out of guilt, the more energy is used from our being and we start to develop a grudge against the person or activity that asks us for attention.
fear
So often we move away from a place of fear and are not even aware that it is our driving force while it lies beneath the surface and devastates our lives.
Deep within us is the general fear that we are not enough. So we overcompensate – do more, earn more, say yes to everyone and everything. We humans ask to make people like us. We stay in toxic relationships because we are afraid of being alone. We say yes because we are afraid to miss an opportunity. To be less than. This fear is of course an illusion.
How to Learn the Art of Saying No
Identify your core values.
Which values match your core and help you to feel connected to your purpose? What do you really want to make room for in your life?
Take your time to meditate on these values - quality of time with the family, compatibility of work and family, presence, service. If having a good time with your family is most important to you and you say yes to every job that comes up, you are probably not properly aligned. Before you say yes to a new commitment, take the time to assess whether it meets your core values.
room plan.
The challenge with planning plans is that our calendar is set while our energy levels are variable. How can we predict how we will feel in two months? How do we know which new opportunities and needs may arise in the future?
Avoid plans that you cannot keep and do not overbook. For example, if you already have plans to spend with your parents on Saturday, don't try to plan a visit to your friend on the same day. Or plan a weekend a month to do nothing. Leave it open. Maybe you use the time to catch up on sleeping problems or work in the garden, or maybe a spontaneous afternoon hike with a friend. When we take time for space, we let life flow naturally.
Listen to your body.
If we push ourselves to exhaustion, it is inevitable that our body will start to rebel. Headaches, muscle aches, digestive problems, skin rashes – all this is how the body tells us that we are taking too much. When I'm stressed by too much work, I inevitably break out in beehives. Or my body stores the tension in my shoulders to the point where my hands go numb.
The body is not lying. So take your time to tune in to what your body is telling you. It often means more rest and self-care.
Follow your intuition.
We all have the ability to adjust to our intuition, the gut feeling we get in our stomach when something doesn't feel right.
Once I was planning a trip to San Diego to visit a friend. As the journey drew closer, something inside me told me not to go. I talked to my friend about my concerns and they were so disappointed that I decided just to make them happy.
The trip naturally ended in disaster. Not only was I annoyed by the feeling of being there, my son also had a severe allergic reaction to poison oak and I had to fly home early to be with him. Our intuition is powerful. Follow him.
Stop apologizing and apologizing.
Whenever I say no, I have various excuses why I have to refuse. The truth is often that I'm tired. Or I would rather not. Or it doesn't match where my energy should go at this point.
I recently got an adorable puppy, Scout, who needs full attention and more time at home. I haven't said anything in the last two weeks since I brought him home than I have in the past year.
You do not have to have a puppy to practice your no vote. You don't need an excuse. There is nothing wrong with being honest and saying, "I carve out more space to be present in my life, which requires me to make fewer plans."
Pay attention to your physical space.
Look around the room you live in and spend your time. Is it cluttered? Your physical space reflects your inner space. My family in particular loves to pass things on to me, and since I find it difficult to say no, I end up buying a lot more than I need. Take the time to clear out your closet and trash drawers. Practice saying no to things and letting go of what you no longer need. See how much lighter you feel.
See yourself in someone else's eyes.
I once had a friend who refused to make plans. Every time I asked him to make plans, he would answer "I'm not sure I will have the energy, let's play by ear" or "I'll let you know when the date approaches . "
That drove me crazy. Why? Because I expected him to prioritize myself. To make me happy. He only set his personal limits. Instead of realizing that our priorities were not aligned, I became angry, hurt, and insulted.
When I think about this relationship, I see that he was a teacher to me. I started to see my own resistance to others' borders because I lacked my own.
Accept that others will be disappointed.
Just as we are not responsible for people's happiness, we are not responsible for their disappointment when we practice the art of saying no. Inevitably accept that if you set limits with your time and energy, someone will be disappointed. That is just the compromise we are facing. Be assertive and honest. If they don't understand when you are honestly sharing your truth and communicating your own needs, it says more about where you are.
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To learn the art of saying no, the first step is awareness. Give yourself time to get in touch with you before answering.
Does what is asked of you match your core values? Pay attention to how your body feels. What does your intuition tell you? Assess the opportunity cost. What do you give up by saying yes? Do you have room for your commitments? Are you honest with others and yourself in your answer?
These are the questions you may be asking yourself. Conscious practice requires consistent practice. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more we say no to things that are not in our highest interest, the more space we make to say yes to the things that matter most.
About Shannon Leigh
Shannon Leigh is a student and creator of life. She is here to learn by practicing yoga and to share experiences with others. She believes yoga brings us back to our most authentic self, and the best way to be a light for others is to cultivate self-love and acceptance. The magic of our life can unfold in the most beautiful way out of unconditional love. Visit them at beloveleigh.com.
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