"The dark night of the soul is a journey into the light, a journey from your darkness into the strength and hidden resources of your soul." ~ Caroline Myss
Growing up in a household with both parents, my grandmothers and pets, people often assumed that we were the perfect family. I took part in dance classes and sports and we also had a lot of large family reunions. We lived in a nice neighborhood, attended good schools and my two parents worked and were raised.
But from an early age I saw and experienced frightening events and pictures that no child should ever see and go through. As I normalized these continuing inappropriate and tragic images and incidents, I had no idea what they were doing for my mental and emotional health.
I was often afraid to go to bed as a child – I knew that I would wet it and that my father would mock it the next morning.
Family members and friends kept telling me that I would jump and shrink at any loud noise, and when I was in my early twenties, people who knew me well told me I was defensive, ready to fight, and had a chip on my shoulder .
You were right.
I was.
Growing up in a hectic household felt like a pressure cooker that kept me on high alert and walked around on eggshells.
While my family made sure we had a roof over our heads, they were also good at keeping my family secrets open, keeping the bill up at all times, and focusing on image management.
In fact, they were able to convince us so well that we were stable and normal that I overlooked my father's love for anger, intense frustration, silent treatment, stone walls, and dizzying word-salad talk. I also decided to look away if he gave a really good and thorough spanking.
My mother's idea of coping with this was to avoid hard family moments and myself, not to speak and ignore.
Because I considered myself strong, I decided to speak for her, protect her, and focus only on the good things that happened in our family, while suppressing all the darkness around which ours was concerned Family turned.
While I was so busy feeling the need to protect others, I felt neither psychologically nor physically protected in my own household.
At the same time, I tried to free myself from the constant chaotic energy in my household by hiding in my bedroom and writing numerous diary entries to understand the scarcity and secrets.
Although I was asked several times by my parents to see a family therapist, I was repeatedly met: "Why? We don't believe in therapy. We're fine. There's no need to go. "
I clearly asked for support, but I was refused the help that I thought was necessary.
The first time I saw a therapist was when I was eighteen. My college offered therapy as part of our class and I couldn't wait to go. I'm not sure I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about back then, but I hoped the therapist would have a magical question that would trigger a series of answers to my deep feelings, sensitivities, and challenging upbringing.
Unfortunately, I never went back when both sessions with this college therapist resulted in him asking me to speak to a teddy bear and hit him.
It was only when I was in my mid-twenties that I saw my next therapist because I was concerned about the relationship I was in at the time. Occasionally I raised my upbringing and so the therapist administered desensitization and eye movement reprocessing (EMDR), a common technique used in PTSD patients and people with trauma. Unfortunately, it was not clearly explained why we were doing EMDR, so the core issue was not really addressed and I left the therapist without a diagnosis.
In 2018, after a series of events in my family, I decided to alienate. After working in the mental health industry for two decades, I had no idea how alienation would destroy my emotional wellbeing. I was really not well prepared to make such a disastrous decision.
I was immediately plagued by a daily bombardment of terrible childhood and adult memories that I had completely forgotten. No matter what I did or how I dealt with it, they persisted painfully.
Insomnia became my new "best friend" and I felt excited, apathetic and deaf.
In awake life, intrusive and bizarre invasive images came to me from nowhere, and when I tried to keep them all together, I wondered if I was going insane and what would happen to me.
I always felt that I knew myself well. And I thought I was practical, pragmatic and down to earth. Also, I was never afraid to face a challenge, but this seemed to be a beast that would not stop.
In life I was a doer, pursued my dreams, traveled the world and worked for me for seventeen years.
In fact, I worked hard and hard through yoga, breathing work, journaling, reiki, coaching, therapy, and so many other modalities to get to my truth. But making that one decision to alienate my family – which I thought was the best and only option at the time to maintain my well-being – seemed to open Pandora's box and no matter how many tools I had , it felt like nothing worked.
From summer 2018 to January 2020, I did not recognize myself.
I felt detached from life and from my soul.
I didn't want to go outside, which was strange because I'm a big nature lover.
I lost interest in my favorite hobby and the pastime of surfing. It felt so shocking – it felt so counterintuitive. I had no reason to stop surfing, but suddenly I felt so far away.
Life was bleak, boring and I felt completely disconnected.
When I was unable to access the root cause of an identity crisis, I was horrified – especially as a hopeful and optimistic person.
One day, after constant communication with my husband, my husband told me about my family alienation and the resulting emotional chaos: "I don't think I'm more able to help you. I think it's time to see a therapist. "
He was right. While trying to use my tools every day, I needed someone who was well trained to tell me what I was going through and what to expect. I immediately made an appointment with a local psychologist and was relieved that some of the answers might be just around the corner.
When my husband and I were waiting in the doctor's office for the therapist to call my name, I was excited and curious.
The therapist did a full recording, which made me relieved and shocked – in all the years I have worked with countless therapists, I have never had a proper recording! The recording was extensive and I had the opportunity to talk about my childhood to this day.
When I finished the admission, the therapist said: “You have PTSD. You have experienced trauma and abuse. I want you to see a specialist. "
With just a few sentences, I felt my whole body relax. My shoulders grew lighter. My jaw was no longer stiff. I had so much more headroom and it was like I finally knew the truth. At that moment, I stopped concentrating only on all the good times of my childhood and finally opened myself up to the dysfunction that was there.
I had worked so hard all my life to maintain the look and image of a perfect family that without realizing it, I was doing myself extreme damage by not admitting what I had been through and testified.
It has been almost six months since my diagnosis, and I can say thankfully that life has returned to my version of "normal" and fulfilling. I'm back on my surfboard and I'm happy and curious about life again. The invasive images have stopped and I sleep better.
The diagnosis of PTSD was not a stigma. it actually brought me to my home. PTSD brought my soul back to life.
Debunking Myths
There are many myths about PTSD that I think is important to expose them.
Myth No. 1: PTSD only happens to war veterans.
Truth: Research shows that children and people who have never experienced a fight can suffer from PTSD. People can suffer from PTSD if they have had an accident, experienced some form of abuse and dysfunction, or even mourned the death of a loved one.
Myth No. 2 PTSD only happens to men.
Truth: About 10 percent of women will experience PTSD in their lives, and women are twice as likely to develop PTSD than men. Between 3 and 15 percent of girls who have had trauma develop PTSD and between 1 and 6 percent of boys who have had trauma develop PTSD.
Myth No. 3 Your therapist or doctor will diagnose you immediately.
Truth: PTSD is often overlooked and often goes undetected. One of the reasons for this is that a person's PTSD symptoms may not appear immediately. In fact, a person may experience symptoms associated with a traumatic event only years later. Additionally, therapists require that a patient have all documented symptoms of PTSD or at least one of the symptoms for one month in a row.
In my case it took me two decades, countless therapists, psychiatrists, trainers and healers, until I was finally officially diagnosed with PTSD this year.
Myth No. 4: PTSD only occurs due to recurring events.
Truth: One event can be enough to trigger PTSD.
Myth No. 5 You cannot function or live the life of your dreams if you suffer from PTSD.
Truth: Sometimes undiagnosed PTSD is exactly what prevents you from pursuing your life plans and goals, because without you knowing it, symptoms are preventing you from concentrating, being clear, and trusting. It is absolutely possible to live the life you want, even if you have PTSD.
Myth No. 6: You are not normal and cannot live a full life if you suffer from PTSD.
Truth: You are normal. They are still complete and complete even if you have PTSD. And it is possible that after receiving such a diagnosis, you can live an even more fulfilling, peaceful, and connected life as you learn how to deal with and minimize symptoms as you practice, becoming more mindful, calm, and intensely involved in your life be.
Common symptoms
Walking around defensively. I'm waiting for someone to scream, attack or hurt you. Walk around on eggshells and be vigilant.
Hyperexcitation. Jump and flinch when a door slams, loud noises or family members or friends scream and speak loudly.
Possibly angry if you hear another loud chewing, swallowing or swallowing or even the smell of cigarettes or any other substance makes you nervous and irritable.
Feel claustrophobic or upset when someone is too close to you in the supermarket or on the street.
May not be able to tolerate crowds or many people.
Ruminate, have obsessive thoughts, or intrusive thoughts that scare you. Sudden, invasive, awake images that are random do not seem to make sense and contradict your core values
Digestive problems and food allergies
Revision and perfectionism
People like and prove
Over-explain, justify, apologize too much
I feel deaf, disconnected, apathetic
Dissociation darkens
Brain fog – confuses words like "yesterday" instead of tomorrow
Reduced interest in things that were once really important and fun for you
Inability to remember or block trauma
A flood of difficult memories or instances during your watch day
Insomnia or constant sleep disorders
nightmares
Difficult focus
Tips for coping with PTSD
The following tips are a small “toolkit” that I have put together with my therapist, as well as extensive research that I have carried out. Although I've found these tips to help me with my PTSD, it's not a one-size-fits-all package. You may need to experiment a bit to find out what works best for you. For me, using a combination of the following tips helped a lot.
1. Guided meditation and guided visualization.
With PTSD it is important to give the brain a break, calm the adrenal glands and stop trauma and anxiety reactions. Positive guided visualization helps reduce stress and lets you visualize successful and positive scenarios while focusing on your breath.
2. Reiki, massage and acupuncture (if you do not have phobia with needles).
If triggered by touch, this may not be the coping method for you. For me, these modalities showed that I could be touched safely and was very relaxing.
3. Stress-reducing foods.
Studies have shown that eating blueberries, dairy products, unprocessed cheese, green vegetables, almonds and drinking chamomile tea significantly reduce the symptoms of PTSD while achieving a more immediate calm.
4. Pet therapy.
Petting your cat, for example purring, has shown some ways to calm your nerves and relieve the PTSD symptoms.
5. Mantras and meditation.
Research shows that speaking or singing a mantra during meditation was one of the most beneficial methods of reducing PTSD symptoms.
6. Practice meekness.
Consciously, intentionally drinking, talking, driving, showering, brushing teeth and all other daily activities gently and deliberately. When you exercise meekness, you react and react less and are less prone to trauma and anxiety.
7. Avoidance of caffeine and alcohol.
Studies show that alcohol and caffeine trigger nightmares and invasive images and get the central nervous system going.
8. Listen to binaural beats.
It has been shown that the tones and beats of binaural beats contribute significantly to a better and deeper sleep, reduce anxiety, strengthen self-confidence and promote relaxation.
My hope in sharing my personal story with PTSD is that you can reshape your PTSD experience by seeing how resilient and brave you really are. Instead of believing that PTSD is a debilitating disorder, I hope that you can see it as something that challenges you to find your truth and wake you up to what is most important in your life so that you can live your life Being able to live dreams and goals.
About Laurie Santos
Laurie Santos is a certified co-creative and co-active life coach of seventeen years. She is also a Reiki Master, has a Master of Science in Justice and a Bachelor of Science in Anthropology. Lauries has been an expat since 2007 and has lived in Africa, the Middle East and Europe. You can sign up for your Soul Supplements newsletter at lifecoachlaurie.com or read your weekly soul session on Instagram at Life Coach Laurie.
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