“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself at that moment. Can I give myself the compassion that I need? "~ Kristen Neff
Her best friend just lost her husband and mother within five days. Her husband was terminally ill. Her mother was eighty-six. They don't know how she'll get through this. They know that she thought she would console herself after spending her husband's death by spending time with her mother. But it won't work that way.
Your best friend is grieving. Didn't she deserve your sympathy? And by the way, by best friend I mean you. They grieve and have to treat themselves with compassion. How should i know Because in November 2014 my mother died and five days later my husband. I had no idea how I would make it through the day, let alone a month or a year or more.
I quickly learned that I had to be my best friend to wrap myself in self-compassion.
Understand your limits as you gently cross them.
Self-compassion means being self-confident and empathetic.
For example, in the first two months after Mama and Ed died, I would reach a certain point in my day when I was only mentally and physically ready for the day. The problem was that it was initially around 4pm. At 4:00 p.m. I felt there was nothing I could do. I also knew that it was far too early to go to bed.
If I felt there was nothing I could do, I would choose only one and then after I finished it, I allowed myself to get ready for the day. I would meditate next. At first I could only meditate for a few minutes, and it was a big sob party. But that's okay, I needed those tears.
Include people in your life who will help you regain your strength. And stay away from those who use your energy.
Self-compassion means minimizing the time you spend with people who use your energy. This is a great rule that we have to follow at all times, but it's even more important now. They are both physically and emotionally empty and have to take care of themselves first. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask first!
Trust your intuition. A friend I hadn't come into contact with learned that I was navigating the deaths of my mother and husband. The good news for me is that she forgot my address. I say this because she started bombarding me with messages about how she had to come with me. I needed someone to take care of me and I couldn't be alone.
In the past, I had observed her method of taking care of others, and although she meant well and had a heart of gold, she was loud and overbearing. Her way of caring for someone was to take on every aspect of her life. As an introvert, I just wanted to rest. I couldn't imagine having someone in the house with me who told me what was best for me.
Tell your inner critic to be calm.
You would think that at a time like this your inner critic would simply be silent. But that's not what internal critics do, is it? Your inner critic could tell you things like:
"You should stop crying so much."
"Why don't you cry anymore? What's wrong with you?"
"You should be able to concentrate on your work."
"You should be more productive."
"You should, you should, you should …"
There is not what should be, there is only what is. Pay close attention to what you feel.
Do not use self-compassion as an excuse for self-destruction.
Self-compassion is not a free way to be self-destructive. It doesn't mean it's okay to eat a pint of ice cream every day or drink a pint of vodka every day. Keep an eye out for self-destructive behaviors.
You still have responsibilities and you will assume those responsibilities. This is the time to really clarify the difference between the beautiful and the required tasks. When you pay your rent or mortgage, we call it required. If you go to an event because someone said it would be good for you, we call it optional.
Self-compassion doesn't mean that you never do anything difficult. The day comes when you have to work again, interact with the public or take part in social events. Be aware of your limits.
Keep an eye on yourself.
You will have days when you just want to stay under the covers. That is normal. Treat yourself to a day of dawdling. However, do not allow yourself to spend seven days a week under the covers.
Most days you want to get out of bed and get dressed at normal time. Take care whether you leave the house or not. Eat healthy meals. Continue your exercise routine. Stay in touch with the right people, the people who don't use your energy.
If you have serious difficulty getting up, getting dressed, and dealing with everyday life, get help. Seek grief support groups and counseling. Ask trusted friends for help. Nobody said you had to go through this alone.
Allow grief to be a part of your life.
I found that I could teach again and take courses within a week. On the way to class I cried in the car until class. When I was in front of the class, I was able to concentrate on my students and forget about my sadness for a short time.
As soon as I left the classroom and got back in my car, I cried all the way home. I learned to always have a good supply of handkerchiefs and eye makeup with me. And I've learned not to judge myself for crying.
About two months later, I was supposed to travel to teach a business class across the country. I left because I thought it would be good for me to leave the house and because I thought I could be sad anywhere.
I was right; In a way, it was good for me and it was true, I could be sad everywhere. My life was not about denying the grief, but supporting myself in a way that I could go back to life, and for me it was part of life to make room for grief.
Don't put an end date on your grief.
When I was teaching others how to plan, schedule and meet appointments, I realized that there was no specific schedule for grief. There is no magic date when your sadness expires. If you go forward, your days will be different. Your grief will change from a sharp stabbing pain to a dull ache. Don't let anyone tell you when you should get over it. Every way is different.
Please be your own best friend.
You are the one who knows you best. Be polite. Don't use your own soliloquy to say things you wouldn't say to others. Your best friend mourns, and above all, he or she deserves your sympathy.
About Margaret Meloni
Margaret Meloni is a businesswoman and Buddhist practitioner who has made friends with death. When the Grim Reaper came and picked up her father, mother, and husband, she learned that hugging death makes life more meaningful. Her goal is to help others live fully by recognizing death as an integral part of life. Carpooling with death is her debut. Find a copy on Amazon today.
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