[ Editor's Note: This is the second of four articles in a series on action plans for different walks of life during the COVID-19 pandemic. The remaining articles will be published on the following Mondays in June.]
The new normality that the corona virus introduced can create real tension, especially for couples who believe that they are losing "that loving feeling" because of the mandate to curb the spread of COVID-19. Every marriage has its natural ups and downs, but research studies suggest that the way we treat each other can have profound effects not only on our mental health but also on our biological health, "for better or for worse" .
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This unplanned and extended time at home may be uncomfortable for many of us, but we can come to the other side with new skills. An action plan can help protect your relationship in these changing times, and can even help re-ignite the spark that ever brought you together.
Here is an action plan to help you regain your "happy to the end" even during the coronavirus pandemic.
1) Bring that loving feeling back. Be more proactive.
Early in relationships, we prioritize our one-on-one moments, but at some point we begin to withdraw, when we need to connect the most. To “bring that loving feeling back,” research shows that couples should do meaningful activities to stay connected. It could be so easy to try out a new weekly schedule that includes a night to read or listen to music, a night to watch TV, a night to chat, etc.
One exercise that we recommend to the couples who come to us is to place a large, fluffy pillow in the middle of their living room or bedroom floor and their favorite drink (e.g. a bottle of wine, cider, tea ), turn off cell phones and TVs, turn off lights, play soft music in the background, and just talk to each other for 45 minutes. We recommend doing this at least once a week.
Nobody enters into a relationship with the expectation that it will be boring or unfortunate. Boredom signals that our relationship needs to be replenished. Just as the fuel gauge on your car shows when you're running out of gas, boredom and misfortune mean that your relationship needs to be replenished. You wouldn't think of getting out of your car when the tank light came on. You would remember to replenish it. The same applies to relationships.
Boredom and "misfortune" don't mean that a relationship doesn't work – it just means that it needs some attention. At the beginning of the relationship, everything is new and exciting. We talk for hours, write countless times, and spend every second we can together. Then, somewhere along the way, we believe we have shared everything there is to share and know everything there is to know about each other, and we stop connecting, leading to a feeling of boredom and despair Can lead to misfortune. We must continue to take advantage of the opportunities that have contributed to our relationship growing at all. This, in turn, will help bring that loving feeling back.
2) Concentrate on supporting each other.
Can I rely on you when I need help, fear, worry about dying, or don't feel good? Am I ready to be that source of comfort and stability when you need me? These are questions that the subconscious mind kept from the moment you decided to connect your life together.
No matter how long you have been together, the current pandemic has shown the need for much stronger interdependence. Now is the time to make sure that your partner can rely on you to protect them by protecting themselves. Now is the time to listen sympathetically when you are afraid of your future or frustrated with the new changes and losses. Now is the time to support each other.
3) Speak to connect. Connect by agreement.
Instead of talking about what doesn't work, talk about the needs you both have and how you can satisfy each other in your relationship. Focus on what's good about your relationship, what you admire, and what you're thankful for. Once you appreciate each other, it is likely that both of you have changed attitudes.
Research shows that when you focus on the way your partner supports you, you and your partner feel better about the relationship. Connecting in this way increases your chances of staying strong in the storm. Use this crisis as a call to action.
We are constantly changing and growing every day. The problem is that we stopped sharing. Speak to connect! Ask questions: "How has the world changed since COVID-19?" "What did you really enjoy that you haven't done in years?" "What is the best way for me to encourage and support you?" There is still a lot to discover from each other.
Notice for dating couples
Adversity can sometimes strengthen a relationship. COVID-19 may have intensified your relationship faster than usual. Use this opportunity to investigate your partner's character during this crisis.
Character is the first thing you inspect before you marry someone. Your potential spouse can have a good career and strong personality, or be fun-loving and good-looking, but if there is a character problem, these other traits don't matter. Your character determines your commitment to the relationship, and engagement is the essential part that helps you have fun together for a lifetime.
The following questions can help you identify potential character issues that need to be addressed to keep your relationship healthy. Most of these questions can be answered simply by observing a person's behavior in the family and on social media.
How do you deal with stress or crisis situations?
Are they teachable?
How well do you set healthy limits in your life?
How do you handle money?
Are you angry or heated?
Do you keep your commitments?
Do they show respect for others?
Are you authorized?
Action Plan for Individuals
If you go through COVID-19 alone, the lack of social connections and disrupted routine can create additional stress that can lead to depression. These feelings of association and loneliness are flexible and change with the context. In fact, things can get worse before they get better. What felt manageable yesterday may not feel manageable tomorrow. Here is an action plan for you.
1) Change your perspective.
You can ride this wave "alone", but it is important to remember that you do not have to feel lonely. This is a global pandemic. We are all there together, even if we are physically separate.
Now is the time for a change of perspective. Remember, perception is a reality for those who perceive it. Your world is built up from the inside out, from your brain. If you perceive your time alone as lonely time, you will feel lonely. But being alone is not the same as being lonely. On the other hand, you can be in a relationship or surrounded by people and still not feel supported and lonely. Use your situation as a time to think. Loneliness can be a time for us to rethink what is important in our lives.
2) Reach and connect.
Now is the time to reach friends and family and connect with them in a more meaningful way. Let people know how much you care about them. A real voice phone call instead of a text message is better, and a video chat instead of a phone call is best. People were created to be social beings, and hearing a real voice and seeing the faces of those who matter to us is exactly what we need in times of crisis.
Talking to someone about your feelings when you are stressed or upset may or may not solve your problem, but it can help you feel better and less alone. On the other hand, if you are at the receiving end of the call, you should be the support that person needs. Listen and convey that you understand their feelings. This act, in which one person shares something vulnerable and the other reacts with understanding and care, is what we call sensitive listening.
3) Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms like pornography, alcohol or drug use can prevent long-term complications. The spread of the coronavirus and the physical distance measures required have increased feelings of loneliness and stress, which may explain the reported increase in pornography use. Some claim that pornography is not a problem for those who use it. However, a number of research studies show correlations between the use of pornography and the potential for outcomes, including lower male sexual satisfaction.
Alcohol and substance use are also popular coping mechanisms for people who want to reduce stress, loneliness and boredom. However, alcohol and substance use could do more harm than good and lead to a possible increase in addiction disorders in the coming years. Health experts warn that an increase in alcohol and drug use could have health and safety effects in both the short and long term.
To avoid the potential damage from unhealthy coping mechanisms, we recommend using humor and creativity to reduce stress and boredom. The use of humor does not mean that we trivialize the challenges that the corona virus brings us. it means that we try to deal with them in a healthy way. Laughter is the best medicine, and humor can improve our mood and our resilience.
The film Groundhog Day is a great example of how many of us feel. Every day seems to be a repetition of the last one. But remember, even though it was the same day again and again, the main character in the film had the opportunity to learn something new every day. You may be alone, but you don't have to feel lonely. We are there with our friends, family members and even the entire world community.
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Esther Scott, LPC
Esther Scott is a licensed professional consultant in Arlington, Texas. She is a solution-oriented therapist. Her areas of expertise are grief, depression, teaching coping skills and counseling for couples. Contact them through their website at positiveactionsinternational.com.
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