“Be there. Be open. Be honest. Be polite. Be ready to listen, understand, accept, support and forgive. That is what it means to love . "~ Lori Deschene
They say your heart is pounding when you're in love.
But even the idea of opening love and letting it in can lead to false palpitations.
Saying yes to love … it's like standing naked and naked to see every inch of you.
Totally vulnerable.
At least I thought so.
My impregnable force field
"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the deadliest for true happiness." ~ Bertrand Russell
You see, I was called a couple of different things when I was growing up. People said I was reserved, calm, or shy.
But in truth I was only afraid to let someone in. I felt I needed an impregnable force field. To be sure. Have control.
And I needed space. A lot of it.
Getting close to people, close enough to fall in love, well, that felt much too intense and personal for me at the time.
We didn't love in my family when we grew up. It was busy, busy, busy in our house. It was all about practicality, super hard work and getting things done. And well done.
Adults rarely showed affection for one another – something about the fact that it is inappropriate in public, my brain recalls. We were taught not to talk about personal things. Life felt mysterious and uncomfortable.
As an adult, I wanted to be loved. It hurt to be so alone.
It took me a long time to realize that I didn't really know how to love. And yet it is said to be an innate characteristic. Even newborns show instinct for love and the need to get love back.
But in all my years growing up, love and affection felt uncomfortable and strange. Love seemed dangerous and mysterious at the same time.
I learned to keep everything inside and everyone outside.
In truth, life went wrong just because I did it. I ended up alone – no lifelong friends, no love in my life. I was lost. Every day felt like a tough fight.
And around me love blossomed, but for others, not for me.
Finally, I understood that if I didn't make some changes, I would never experience the absolute certainty of someone else's love. I would never hear someone tell me that everything is fine. That they would be there for me no matter what life got in my way. And I would never be able to be there for anyone else.
I realized that I had to start doing these nine things, otherwise I would never know what love is.
1. Be there.
Love does not grow and thrive because you dress or put on make-up. All it takes is for you to show up to be fully present.
I used to believe that soul mates were mythical creatures, as rare as unicorns, and that it was a miracle of goodness to find a soul mate – one that happened to other people.
Not true.
Someone is ready to love you. You are out there. And they're looking for you right now. But you have to show up completely to connect with them.
In the past I spent a lot of time in my head, paralyzed by my fears and insecurities. When I focused all my energy on protecting myself, I wasn't available to the people around me. You cannot love or be loved when you are physically there, but spiritually somewhere else.
I now know that I have to concentrate more on the person in front of me than on my worries, uncertainties and judgments. Love can only develop if you come out of your head and come into your heart.
“If you love someone, the best you can offer is your presence. How can you love when you are not there? "~ Thich Nhat Hanh
2. Be open.
Love is a powerful force, but you cannot share it when your heart is closed.
I used to fear the slightest puncture in my protective field. I was worried that if I even opened a little it would be my end. Somehow it felt like protection to stay closed. If I let someone in, I couldn't control what would happen. If I kept everyone away, nothing could go wrong.
But I've learned that you don't have to expose the deepest parts of yourself all at once to be open to love. You just have to give up your defense long enough to let someone else in.
I started to tell a little bit about myself – my opinions, my feelings and my worries. First, I tested other people's reactions to what I shared. But my confidence grew much faster than I expected. And you know it was the greatest relief not to hold on so tightly or pretend that it was the greatest relief ever.
"The greatest asset you could own is an open heart." ~ Nikki Rowe
3. Be honest.
To be honest in love goes beyond telling no lies. It needs to be the real you, the wonderfully imperfect you.
If you pretend to be someone you are not, or if you dress up how you feel, a worrying message is sent to the person who loves you. People have a built-in alarm when they sense that someone is not telling them the whole truth.
I had a picture of the "perfect me" and it did not include being vulnerable. So I lied about the real me in everything I said and did. I pretended that I wasn't worried, didn't need help, and knew exactly where I was going in life. These lies alone alienated some amazingly wonderful and loving people who would have been lifelong friends … if I had allowed them to.
“Honesty is more than just lies. It is truth clarification, truth finding, truth life and truth love. "~ James E. Faust
4. Be nice.
I wasn't nice at the beginning. I was too insecure to let go of the little things. A forgotten request felt like rejection. Another opinion felt like an argument. I was also too insecure to accept that it didn't mean that I was less loved.
For example, one night I had the courage to sing in front of a small crowd, but to me it felt like I was on the Carnegie Hall stage. My partner messed up the dates and booked himself.
I sang that night without his support from the crowd because he felt he could not disappoint his double booking. At the time it felt like rejection and I reacted hard. In truth, the situation simply said, "I know you will understand that I have to keep my promise elsewhere. You need me more now. I will be right next to you next time." (And they were.)
To be in love means to accept that people cannot always meet your expectations and to give the other person freedom in how they act and react. It means taking care of the other person's heart even if you are disappointed.
“Be friendly whenever possible. It is always possible. "~ Dalai Lama
5. Be ready to listen.
Love has to be heard to thrive, that's pretty obvious. But it took me years to find out that it was my responsibility to listen as much as to speak.
Because love is a conversation, not a monologue.
In the beginning my head was too full with all the things I wanted to explain, my heart too full with all the emotions I wanted to express. And my mouth was too full with all the words I had to hear.
But I found that every time I listened, I got valuable insights into the other person. I heard their worries, self-doubts and their love words. I was able to help, support and feel the growing connection we had. They were very comforted when they were heard. Listening said "I love you" as clearly as the words themselves.
As at night, we left the movies after seeing School of Rock with Jack Black. It was supposed to be a comedy, a fun date. I laughed a lot, but the other person had to go through 106 minutes of their painful personal disappointment because they had not continued their dream career in music. I listened hard. I heard all their regrets, their self-reproach.
And I learned the value of an entire relationship in areas where I might be hypersensitive and supportive in the future.
Because you can only speak the language of love when you first learn to listen.
“The first duty of love is to listen. ”~ Paul Tillich
6. Be ready to understand.
Being willing to listen is only half of learning the language of love. The other half understands what you hear.
And that means being open to a different perspective, even an opposite perspective.
At first it sounded like I had to give up what I believed in order to bow forever the way I saw things.
Not the case. It meant that I had to learn to see that there could be an alternative, equally valid point of view.
Understanding in love goes beyond the awareness and appreciation of the attitude and beliefs of the other person. It requires consciously understanding that you are one of two and that both perspectives have a place. Love is big enough to deal with different opinions and philosophies.
For example, the other person grew up in a different culture. It works for them and the millions of people who have brought up the same thing. There must be something in there. Love means to appreciate that.
I learned that speaking your opinion doesn't have to be rude or inflammatory, no matter how directly you say it. In some cultures, it is rude not to do this! And yet I was programmed to never contradict or say the "wrong" and instead give the accepted, affirmative answer. Love taught me that there is another way – that it is more important to be honest and understand yourself than to just appease.
"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
7. Be ready to accept.
Love has no complicated vocabulary. All it wants to hear is, "That's okay. I love you the way you are." Accepting the other person as such does not guarantee that love will thrive in a relationship. For this to happen, you have to do it yourself accept as you are.
To let love in, you have to believe that you are worthy of love, that you are really enough to make someone else's heart fall for it.
You have to embrace your humanity, your less than polished edges and all your quirks – and yours as well – equally.
I had to learn that I didn't have to be perfect. And I could never be. That I sometimes needed help. And doing my best was plenty.
I also had to accept that with the other person. I had to step back and see that no matter how big the chaos or misunderstandings were, they had gotten into the situation with good intentions and love.
That didn't happen overnight. It took some time, some teeth clenched and bit my tongue. It felt difficult to accept everything for a while until I really opened my arms to all of their idiosyncrasies, blind spots, and opposing views. I would have let go of those beliefs years ago if I had known how liberated I would feel if I did.
Accept that you are one of two wonderful, separate, yet intertwined people in a relationship.
You can be the amazing thing that you are, and they can also be their wonderful self.
"The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance." ~ Brian Tracy
8. Be ready to support.
It is difficult to put the other person first when your own feelings are raging.
For years I was too caught up in the rawness of my own feelings to take into account those of others. I was so busy fighting my own mountain of problems that I missed the other person who was fighting right next to me.
We could have pulled each other up if I had only reached over.
Support begins by looking for signs that the other is struggling with. It means putting your own battles on hold for a while.
I learned to look beyond my thoughts and problems and to really be there for the other person, thank God. And our love deepened every time I did it.
"Surround yourself with people who support and love you and remember to give back as much as possible." ~ Karen Kain
9. Be ready to forgive.
Whenever two people are involved, mistakes and misunderstandings occur. This is of course.
But the truth is, they are just opportunities for disguised love.
My anxious thoughts made me think about small things for far too long. I would analyze an entire scenario and imagine what a simple mistake or miscommunication was. Like this confused discussion of weekend plans when I was worried that he considered what I had suggested boring and his mistake was a disguised attempt not to get carried away.
I didn't care about a forgotten little promise. Like this planned cozy evening, only we and a relaxing dinner that he approved to watch the children of the neighbors so that the parents could have a special evening instead.
That hurt.
Until I learned to forgive.
Forgiven says: "This mistake is tiny, our love is huge."
And it's also called what feels like a big mistake. It is said that our love can survive it – really, it is strong enough.
In addition, each time you forgive the other person, you will find compassion for forgiving yourself.
“The reality is that people screw it up. Don't let a mistake ruin a beautiful thing. "~ Unknown
That means loving it.
Imagine you open your heart and let love in.
Imagine that you feel more confident about who you are. Confident enough to be open, honest and friendly in a relationship. Be willing to listen, understand, accept, support and forgive.
This impregnable force field that has kept you so alone for so long?
Throw it out.
And let love in.
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