"Do not exchange your authenticity for permission." ~ Unknown
As a nice person, I often came into conflict because sometimes I don't like being nice. Sometimes I behave nicely for moral reasons or because I try to match my perceived identity.
Do you see yourself as "nice"? Do others describe you as "nice"? Do you always like to be "nice"? If you are unsure of how others perceive you, ask friends and family to describe you.
Family, friends, colleagues and even bosses told me how nice I have been all my life. It was a big part of my personal identity. If you have a perceived identity that you are, you will subconsciously adjust your behavior to reflect that identity. For me, that meant being nice and acting like a nice person, even if it wasn't what I wanted.
Here are some questions you can use to determine if you have any conflicts with the nice one:
* Are you doing nice things when you really don't want to?
* Do others use your kindness?
* Have you experienced social pressure to be nice, especially as a woman?
* Are you a weakling? Are you a human lover
* Do you ever get upset, frustrated, or angry when you're nice?
* Do you sometimes feel that your kindness is not really you?
* Is being on the top of your self-identity list to be nice?
* Have you ever experienced a conflict between your nice identity and your other identities such as top performers, assertiveness or leaders?
* Aren't you sometimes proud to be nice?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, read on.
What does it mean for you to be "nice"?
One day someone asked me this question. It was very relevant to me as I tried to act nicely for most of my life despite experiencing some of the conflicts listed above.
I developed three questions that should help me to define "being nice" in my own terms:
Who is your "nice" role model and do you want to be like them?
What other words describe being nice to you?
Should you act or be nice?
First question: who is your “nice” role model and do you want to be like her?
When I imagine the extreme "beauty", I see Mother Theresa of Calcutta. She was a nun and missionary who ran several organizations to help very poor and sick people. Her charities have worked with counseling groups, orphanages, schools, mobile clinics, and people with HIV, tuberculosis, and leprosy around the world.
She was also criticized for poor medical care in her organizations, her stance against abortion and contraception, and her belief in the importance of suffering. It was not always pleasant or compassionate.
Although I really admire her life's work, I'm definitely not and I don't want to be like Mother Theresa of Calcutta. I enjoy consolation, am not selfless and do not want to spend my days with the dying.
Second question: What other words describe being nice to you?
Once we have defined "nice" to resolve the conflicts from the above questions, we can find our own definition of nice and stay true to who we really are.
Is nice equals nice? Generous? Give? Unbiased? Sensitive? Respectful? Selfless? Polite? Maintenance? Passive? Friendly? Friendly? Compassionate? Considerate? Generous? Here are some definitions to think about according to Google Dictionary:
* Nice: pleasant; pleasant, satisfactory
* Friendliness: the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate
* Considerate: Be careful not to cause inconvenience or harm to others.
* Care: Show kindness and concern for others
* Polite: showing or showing behavior that is respectful and considerate towards other people
* Respect: due consideration of the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others
* Selfless: more concerned with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own
* Passive: Accepting or allowing what happens or what others do without active response or resistance
* Friendly: friendly and pleasant
* Personable: pleasant, friendly and easy to like
* Empathic: shows the ability to understand and share someone else's feelings
* Compassionate: feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others
* Generous: Willingness to show that you give more of something than money or time than is absolutely necessary or expected
* Courtesy: showing courtesy in attitude and behavior towards others
* Not judgmental: avoidance of moral judgments (with or without an overly critical view)
I decided that I don't always want to be pleasant and enjoyable. I want to be free to disagree, question mass opinion, and be authentic.
To me, being nice means having respect. It is about taking into account the opinions, feelings, desires and rights of others and at the same time remaining respectful towards myself. I can be respectful of others and myself at any time and still feel authentic.
I can respectfully disagree. I can respect my own needs with respect. I can assert myself respectfully. I can listen and interact respectfully. I can respect differences. I can show respect in almost every situation.
But I cannot and will not always be selfless, generous, personable, sensitive, compassionate, friendly, not judgmental, caring, friendly or polite. I can choose to do it in certain situations if it matches my authentic self, but I won't commit to doing it all the time. You shouldn't have to deny your own needs or interests to be nice.
Third question: Should you act or be nice?
There is also a difference between caring for others and caring for others. You can be concerned and not report it, and you can force yourself to show concern but not be concerned. But you cannot force yourself to be concerned if you are not. Likewise, you cannot force yourself to be nice and be nice when you are not.
If you act nicely and don't mean it, you contradict who you are at the core. This is difficult to maintain over long periods of time. And finally it undermines trust in others.
You are a human and therefore you have the right to make mistakes and not to be a spiritual hero. You have the right to be nice on some days and not nice on others. You have the right to your needs and desires and to be first, not to be generous if you don't want to be generous, not to be sympathetic if it doesn't feel right as long as you do it without others respect
Find your true definition of beautiful. It shouldn't feel hard, powerful, or negative. Remember that even your role models weren't always nice, caring, and selfless with everyone. Examine what makes sense to you in most situations. Do not define your fixed identity with occasional behavior. It will only confuse you, lower your self-confidence and reduce the real impact you can have on the world.
About Ivna Curi
Ivna Curi is the founder of AssertiveWay.com. She is an advocate of confident, open and caring conversations. It empowers professionals to be confident and self-confident to reveal their size, embrace their ambitions, and bring their unique impact to the world. Sign up for a free course at AssertiveWay.com where you will learn how to assert yourself, say no, report, create boundaries and express yourself effectively.
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