“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction. "~ Rumi
"I know I should forgive, but I can't." I squirmed in my seat when I said this to my teacher.
I said this immediately after explaining everything I had experienced during our meditation practice. In meditation I had a vivid memory of the constant verbal and emotional abuse I received from my father.
It was ten years since I lived at home, but I was still angry and still carried all of the emotions I had years ago. Instead of explaining all the virtues to me why it is important to forgive, my teacher asked me a question.
"Are you ready to forgive?"
"No," I said.
"Then not."
When he said I burst into tears of relief.
At that time in my life, so many people had told me about the virtues of forgiveness and suggested different methods. If you saw my resistance to forgiveness, you would always tell me the same platitudes:
Forgiveness is not about apologizing for the other person's behavior.
Forgiveness is not the other person for you.
Forgiveness frees you.
I understood intellectually what they meant. But I still couldn't do it. I didn't know why I couldn't. I had started to feel guilty and shameful that I couldn't do this one thing so many people agreed that I should do it.
My teacher, who gave me room not to forgive, gave me permission to observe myself and my pain without judgment. This meant that I could explore the subtle feelings and beliefs that I didn't even know I had. I exposed my resistance by asking myself:
How was it unforgivable to protect me?
At that time I was a perfectionist and was outstanding in my career. I quickly rose through the ranks of my organization because I was working hard and doing a great job.
At the same time, there would be moments when I would find myself in an extreme delay. I had learned that I was hesitant because I felt that what I was supposed to do would harm me. I stopped and went into avoidance mode when I was afraid that I would suffer a burnout or when I thought I would fail and be rejected.
I considered my reaction to not forgiving my father in the same way. I avoided forgiveness because something made me feel insecure about the idea.
I sat down and wrote about why it protects me not to forgive my father. In my diary I was surprised to see that I felt safe with the strength I had not to forgive.
Through a family member who told my father that I wasn't ready to forgive him, I had heard that he was upset that I didn't. This knowledge, that little thing that I was in control of when I wasn't feeling in control of my father felt like a justification.
I wrote deeper:
Why was it so important for me to keep this power?
It became clear to me that there was still a young girl in me who lived in this experience – she had not graduated from high school and had moved out. She was still in pain. At this moment. And that feeling of power was the only thing that held it together.
It was shocking that I could feel them so strongly in my body. Mostly in my chest and belly. The feeling was heavy and like sand I couldn't make this girl feel powerless while she was still active at the moment of the pain. I had to give her something to hold on to so she could survive.
I have not tried to correct my perception or be more positive. I was just listening. I finally connected to the depth of the pain I had felt all the time and how often it was there without me even noticing. I was not used to connecting to my body. I wasn't used to listening to myself without judging.
My teacher asked me if it would be okay if I didn't forgive my father if we released the energy that I felt from my body. I said yes, so he led me through a guided meditation.
I took a few deep breaths in it and imagined that I would send all of my father's energy and the energy of the situation through the sun and back to my father. When my father moved the light through the sun, he only received pure light, not the pain he had projected.
Then I took back my own energy, my authentic strength, whatever I felt was taken away or what strength I felt was given away. I imagined energy being moved and cleaned by the sun so that I only got my own pure light.
Then I imagined everyone else who had heard my story or actually witnessed what happened when my father let go of all her judgments and attachments, like streams of light rising to heaven.
After meditation, my body felt good. I felt lighter. I didn't feel part of me was caught in the past.
Suddenly I had a strong urge to forgive my father. And I did it.
Over time, I realized that I still had to forgive more, but it was easier. I didn't have to be convinced to forgive, of course I wanted to.
What helped me most when I couldn't forgive was finally to realize that forgiveness is more than a mental decision and saying words. Forgiveness is a decision that is made with body and soul. It comes naturally when it's done.
If you just can't forgive, I invite you to find out what worked for me:
1. Accept that you are unwilling to forgive and trust your decision.
2. Ask yourself how non-forgiveness protects you and listens to your truth without minimizing or correcting your beliefs.
3. Be present and feel where these beliefs are still active in your body,
4. When you are ready (and only if you are ready) to release the energy that is not yours and reclaim what happens to the process described above.
When we are ready to no longer force ourselves to do what we should be doing and actually listen to our truth at the moment, we expand our healing ability in a way we do not even imagine can. Including forgiveness of the impossible.
About Candice Thomas
Candice Thomas is the author of The Success Sense: Intuition for Entrepreneurs and Professionals. It teaches managers how to use their own intuition to achieve tangible positive results in the world. With their signature programs, their customers have achieved life-changing results and learned to be spiritually connected and complete. Candice has featured on Mind Love Podcast, Elephant Journal, Thrive Global, Bustle, Brit + Co, and other media. More information is available at https://candicethomasintuitive.com.
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