“I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod. My shadow does that much better. "~ Plutarch
People-friendly can seem like a kind of connection with others. We believe that when we make people happy, they like us and want us to be with us. While it may be true that the pleasures of others give us recognition and a place in their lives, changing and manipulating us cannot make the connection we long for.
We confuse people-friendly with friendliness. Are we not described as human beings as too nice? Humble can be seen as a dedication to putting others first, but philanthropy is not the best way to treat yourself or the people around us.
Honesty is enjoyable for children as people
My friend Amy occasionally invited other people to join us without informing me. I would arrive at the park or the cafe and unexpectedly find myself part of a group.
It wasn't a big deal for Amy. She was generous in introducing me to new people and it was really better for her. However, I prefer one-on-one interactions over groups, and I really don't like being surprised in social settings.
The thing is, she never knew it bothered me because I never told her. I was so worried that she liked me that I pretended to be happy with these surprising additions to our trips. I told myself I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Unfortunately, the result was that I was annoyed with the other people and didn't give them a fair chance to see if we could also become friends. It undermined my trust that Amy really saw me and appreciated my friendship. It confirmed my belief that I wasn't good enough to just spend time with myself.
If I wasn't honest about how I felt, it wasn't friendly to anyone. I knew that Amy was a caring and thoughtful person. Most likely, she would have liked to let me know if she was sending out additional invitations and asked what I wanted for a particular meeting if I had only been honest about how I felt.
When we ask people, we say and do things that are not really true for us. We can accept an invitation that is impractical or we can agree to do a favor that we do not do. We could say we want to eat in a particular restaurant or do a certain activity, although we would actually prefer something different.
We can keep our opinions and beliefs to ourselves unless we are certain that they match those of the person we want to please. We could base our decisions – from the clothes we wear, the jokes we laugh at, to our careers – on what we think will be recognized. We can hide how the other person's actions affect us.
None of these things are honest. We are not kind to others when we try to make them like us instead of really letting them see us.
We stumble because honesty can feel unfriendly when we think it will disappoint or make someone unhappy. Of course, honesty can be used in an unfriendly way. People will intentionally say hurtful things and then justify their cruelty under the guise of honesty, but we can be honest with kindness.
If we are honest in our relationships, we give others a real representation of who we are. We know what we are doing and what is not, what we are doing and what is not. If we are honest, we build trust in others to take our word for it and learn to see us as a person to be trusted.
Presence is children as people-friendly
When I was spending time with Amy, I was very worried. I watched how many cookies she ate before helping another. I worried if she was offering tea just to be nice or if she really would be disappointed if I didn't try the new blend that had been sent to her as a gift.
I avoided topics where I was not sure whether we could agree. I was careful when I answered her questions about what I was going to do. I would just take a quick look at it and then try to gauge your interest and approval before I share the next little piece.
The thing is, I couldn't relax and just spend time together. It was clear to her that I was trying to do things the way I thought she wanted me to. She tried to reassure me that it was okay to be myself, which was embarrassing for both of us.
I appreciated Amy's ability to ask thoughtful questions and how encouraging she was to everything I shared with her. However, the most important things I remember from the time we spent together don't tell me much about who it is. I remember more of what I said and did because I kept focusing on how I measured myself.
When we engage in human-friendly behaviors, we observe the people we want to please to get clues about what they want and need and who they expect from us. It can look as if we are very present with them because we are so careful.
Too often, however, our attention is strategic – we use it to achieve our own goals, rather than really dealing with them as people. We observe how everything we do or say is received and use this data to continually adapt to be more pleasant.
What if we instead approached our time with another person with curiosity – to know them, to get to know another person? Curiosity requires presence – being open and welcoming what is there instead of what we expect. One of the nicest things we can do for someone is to put our expectations aside and see them as they are – and that includes ourselves.
Trust is enjoyable for children as people
It didn't matter how kind and encouraging I thought Amy was, I didn't trust her to be my friend if I ever really let her see me. I didn't trust relationships to survive disappointments, differences, or disagreements. I struggled to believe that anyone really wanted to know me and that if they did, I would earn their friendship.
"I saw her as better than me and tried to control her perception of me so that I could keep a place in her life. Our interactions were based on my desire to please, rather than two people seeing and supporting each other.
Humane is characterized by a lack of trust. We humans – please, because we do not trust that we are good enough to be searched for as we are. We don't trust others to see the value in us and treat us well unless we always give them what they want or stay within the parameters they expect us to do.
A friendlier approach is to maintain trust. When we detach ourselves from people, we build trust in ourselves. We develop trust that we can meet our own needs and express our preferences with kindness. We learn to trust that we are fine if not everyone likes us and that there are new opportunities even after disappointment.
It is also kind to trust others. If we trust someone, we give them the opportunity to see and support us. We open up the possibility of a mutual relationship.
Trust others and trust yourself to build a relationship that is real and satisfying for both of you. Some relationships will not survive if we stop pleasing people, but these relationships have not been built on true friendliness towards both people. Invest in relationships based on friendliness rather than control – where you know and can be known.
Consider your closest relationships. Are you a place where you are honest, present and trusting? If not, what's in the way? How can you bring a little more honesty, presence and trust to your relationships this week?
About Johanna Schram
Johanna Schram is a certified life coach and writer who helps people stop people and trust themselves. It helps people recognize their inherent value, express themselves with courage and integrity and connect deeply in relationships. Learn more about Johanna and get access to the free self-trust library at johannaschram.com.
See typing errors or inaccuracies? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
