“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at this point. Forgive yourself for giving up your strength. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up during a trauma. Forgive yourself for being what you needed to be. "~ Audrey Kitching
You can try everything – exercise, a bubble bath, a relationship, a promotion, and anything else that you think will make you happy. I've come to learn that these things won't give you the kind of happiness you want until they coincide with knowing your worth.
In my most unhappy times, my eyes were wide open to the truth – I had low self-esteem. I never thought that the persistent feeling of getting stuck stems from a lack of self-esteem. Instead, I thought if I could control what's going on outside, it would fix the inside. Believe me, I did my best.
I spent my last twenties with some awareness that my needs were neither valued nor met. I did what I could to be as happy as possible, and yet I was haunted by the thought, "It can't be."
I had a long-term relationship and often dreamed of our separation. The dream would suddenly come to a halt because I was clouded by the fear of being alone and never being loved again.
I spent this relationship feeling second best, putting happiness above my own, longing to want, and wondering if we ever fell in love. Ultimately, I buried the doubt and decided I was lucky. After all, as I knew only too well, it could be worse.
My relationships had always been full of drama. Before and after the said relationship, if a man liked me, I would run away; I would get away from a date and complain that the smallest thing was wrong.
Then you have the people who have not seen me. As soon as I got wind that one was not available, it would become the whole point of my existence and I would be convinced that he was the one, I loved him, he just couldn't see how perfect we could be together. So I would do anything to make it clear to him that we were born for each other. It felt normal and totally romantic to me.
When I made an appointment with someone I liked, it was about shaping my life around them, and when it didn't work, I found a way to blame myself and spend weeks thinking what I should, could do
When it came to friends, when you could tear down my wall, you were there. But I was (and sometimes still am) a bit nervous, convinced that you will see through me. Convinced that you don't really like me or I said something to upset you. You probably wouldn't know because I'm strong and direct to you. I think you think I'm stupid, inferior, or selfish.
I believed that in order to keep my friends, I had to be the best friend, convinced that otherwise they would not stay. Friends were allowed to be unreliable and make mistakes, but I didn't allow myself this flexibility. This way of life worked – my friends are actually good people, so I managed to get under my radar. I also thought I was lucky that they even liked me, considering where I came from.
If you are not in my circle, it is a little more difficult. It can be difficult to get closer. I was told from the first impression that it is difficult to know if I like you. I am suspicious, closed, cold. I can easily forgive in one minute and not in the next. If you scare me or challenge me, I can stab you.
The thing with sleeping low self-esteem is that you have become the master. When I went through life I was fine. I had a pretty low bar when it came to luck. Play small, exaggerated relationships, track people's approval, wonder if people liked me, take no chances; they all felt ordinary and they all protected me from confirming my greatest fear: nobody wants me.
My coping skills did the job, they kept me tight in my comfort zone where I was safe.
Do you know what happens if you never leave your comfort zone? Life becomes worldly and sad, and leaving it becomes more frightening and frightening. But the yearning gets stronger. You are stuck.
So how do you get stuck?
Today I wholeheartedly believe that I am as worthy as my friends, my family and every man I ever have or will go out with. I make decisions, share my opinion, go away, let go, take risks, let people in, and experience a level of happiness that I didn't even know was possible.
How did the girl who ignored her inner turbulence change her whole world?
I should confess that I didn't suddenly wake up and realize my worth. A few years ago my friend ended our relationship and suddenly I was exposed to feelings that the relationship had covered up.
As life and happiness wanted, at about the same time I was asked to hold a workshop on self-esteem at work. That should be my biggest eye opener of all. There I was, teaching people about self-esteem, and every session triggered alarm bells for me when it dawned on me: I didn't know what I was worth.
It became clear to me that until then the happiness techniques (gratitude journals, fun plans and exercises) that I had implemented so much were not sufficient with my own self-acceptance.
I started with relationships; that was why most of the fears and considerations seemed to come. I chose it – self-help, therapy, coaching, and every TED conversation I could come across to understand why I was drawn to people I knew I didn't want or deserve.
I learned a lot about my why; When you grow up and the people around you are consistently inconsistent, you develop the same pattern in your own life. I have had no secure ties as a child. I have experienced things that are not even suitable for adults. I was exposed to violence, drugs and chaos. I chose coping strategies to make sure. Outside the house, I pretended that life was fine, and that should be my greatest skill.
As I became more curious and more empathetic, I was able to think about my life and identify the patterns that had drained me and stood in the way of being myself.
I now know that in my most difficult times it helped me to illuminate these patterns. I understood that I was not alone, and this insight gave me the most powerful knowledge of all: I was not stuck and had the power to change.
To help you experience the same level of transformation, I will share common patterns of low self-esteem:
You are too afraid to take risks.
You play small and stay firm in your comfort zone. If you are considering changing something or trying something new, you may get crippled by fear of failure or what other people would think. You hardly think you will be fine if others judge you.
I wouldn't be surprised if you would dream of the change often, but you don't go much further. It's a no to a new job, no to a new fitness class and forget to spend your dream vacation alone. A lack of self-confidence gives you an overwhelming feeling that you cannot master and overestimate the opinion of others.
You guys, please.
You say too much yes and care more about the needs of others than your own. Behaviors include doing everything you can to avoid conflict and doing things you don't want to do to make other people happy.
If you are afraid of not being good enough, you will do everything you can to ensure that you are liked, often at the expense of your own well-being. Kindness is great, but that includes kindness towards you.
You see yourself as happy or grateful.
You may be satisfied with less than you earn in life, love and work. Petty thoughts or feelings tell you that you deserve more, but deciding what you have is good enough. You could feel a constant longing for more – more love, more fun, more understanding … more.
Perhaps you are preoccupied with pretending that you only feel like you are tired, or you have a lack of motivation and decide that this will go away when you feel again. If you don't value yourself, you believe that you can no longer earn and could never have more.
You allow others to treat you badly.
People say things and do things that make you feel worthless and unheard. Sometimes you could try to stand up for yourself, and sometimes pretend you didn't notice. They make excuses for their behavior or accept their excuses for how they treat you. You know deep down that something is wrong.
An important sign here is that you spend time wishing people to show you more respect – and still allow them to drop you and pick you up to cheat you in second place to sit down, reject your ideas and the rest. Other people treat you as you allow them; If you treat yourself badly, others will probably do the same.
You are in need.
You have unhealthy patterns when it comes to preserving certain areas of your life. You may know that it doesn't help, but it feels out of your control.
You might want to look a certain way, you want work to stay the same, you want your friend to be single, or you don't want that person to leave you. In these situations, it is likely that the fear will be overwhelming and you will sometimes become irrational – sulking, overwriting, ignoring, pushing and pulling, trying everything. In this situation, you often take things personally and see change as a form of rejection, and you underestimate your ability to be fine.
You are doing things that you do not want to do.
You behave in such a way that they do not agree with your values and who you really are. You sleep with them too early, you go to places you don't like, you hide your real interests, you can even lie about what you want.
In some cases, you will know that you are doing these things, and sometimes you will not call it, but you will come out of situations where you feel you have sucked all of your joy out of you. If you don't value yourself, you don't think people will like you, even if you have other interests.
You worry and rethink things you said and did.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what you said and wondering if you offended someone. This can interrupt tasks that need to be done and steal happiness from your present moment.
At this point, you could ask for confirmation or misinterpret other people's words and actions to mean that they are upset with you. If you are convinced that your friends no longer like you or something you said is stopping people from you, you will become obsessed with it. If you do not love yourself, you will find it hard to believe that someone else will and you will be afraid that they will leave you.
You easily block people.
You avoid letting people get too close. You could see the worst in people, judge them, or assume they'll be going soon anyway. Maybe you cut ties when they say something you don't like, or you list all the things you don't like about them and decide that you two don't fit.
You could say out loud that you don't care about not being liked or what others think about you. You usually avoid social gatherings, new people, and second dates and are jealous that your friends have other friends. If you don't value yourself, you assume that others don't value you, and instead of risking being hurt, you simply don't let them in.
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In retrospect, the above patterns were some of the best known in my life. At the time, I wasn't giving them the attention they deserved. Nobody pointed this out and they were a natural part of my daily life.
When I realized my true value, there were many unwanted positive changes. The more you do things that make you feel good, the better you are at things that you don't. A small change can feel enormously powerful and have a nice wave effect in your life.
If you are serious about healthy, happy relationships, you can look at yourself first. While relationship difficulties are inevitable, knowing that no one is more important than the other, you can feel safe with a healthy self-esteem, and for the most part both needs deserve to be met
The most important thing I did is work on my relationship with myself. I have learned to love myself, to accept myself and to get to know myself, and I want to tell you that it is a rough road was on the way with lots of rides and falls. Thats how it works.
When you are fed up with not feeling enough, it is time to consider this. You don't have to wait to bottom, you don't have to wait another ten years. Start now, you deserve it.
About Carly Ann
Carly Ann is a self-respect trainer. Conducting workshops and an online academy to help women free themselves from self-doubt, strengthen self-esteem and develop the courage to be themselves. You can learn more about Carly Ann by visiting www.carly-ann.co.uk or following her on Instagram: @the_happy_diary_
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