"The most painful thing is getting lost, loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too." ~ Ernest Hemingway
When I was in my early twenties, I had a relationship with a man who had emotionally and mentally abused me for many months.
It turned out that I was his first serious relationship, and this had often overwhelmed him and made him insecure. He didn't feel "good enough" for me or deserve my love. Ironically, we both had low self-esteem, but we showed it in completely different ways.
During my time with him I often felt insecure, stupid, unattractive and absolutely unpopular. This dysfunctional relationship has robbed me of much of my self-esteem and damaged my trust in human nature.
But in retrospect my ex did me a big favor. For the first time in my life, my experience with him made me seriously think about what I wanted from a future relationship and a future partner and how I can strengthen my self-esteem and self-confidence.
I read as many books as I could about self-confidence, self-love, healthy connections and limits (there was no internet at the time). I learned to meditate and trust my intuition, and I stopped being a philanthropic weakling who put everyone else first.
As a result of my findings, I have created the following ten relationship rules that I believe are essential for a strong sense of self-worth and love for long-term relationships.
1. No relationship can thrive only through love.
No love for my ex-boyfriend could change the fact that he treated me badly and his behavior towards me was destructive. Love alone was not enough to save our relationship.
In order for a relationship to survive and thrive, it needs trust, respect, attention, kindness, patience, empathy, commitment, communication, understanding, mutual sympathy, loyalty, compromise and security. And you need a partner who is also willing to maintain the relationship.
All relationships require work and effort; There are no exceptions. Love is an essential part, but it does not conquer everyone. You can love your partner wholeheartedly and still get into a relationship that is harmful and dysfunctional.
Love alone cannot turn a bad relationship into a good relationship, and you cannot turn an abusive person into a loving, respectful partner if she doesn't want to change.
2. Self-love is never selfish.
Most of us were conditioned to consider self-love selfish or imaginary, but in reality nothing is further from the truth.
The most powerful relationship you will ever have is your relationship with yourself. Other people may come and go, but you will always have yourself, so it is important to like and who you are love.
I discovered that when I feel more loving and compassionate about myself, my ability to love others more selfless and caring increases. I no longer long for love or acceptance from other people.
When you feel good, you treat others well. Looking back, I find that my ex-boyfriend didn't like himself much less, let alone loved him.
The only person who can give you self-love is you. You don't need someone else's permission, just a willingness to be more compassionate and attentive to yourself and your needs. To do this, you need to identify your needs – mentally, physically, mentally and emotionally – and then prioritize them. Even if other people have conflicting needs.
3. There is no perfection.
Movies, magazines and social media have a lot of responsibility when it comes to creating unrealistic expectations of a "perfect" relationship, partner and life.
No relationship, not even between "soul mates", is perfect because there is no perfection.
We do our partner a great disadvantage if we expect him to complete us, read our thoughts, understand all our feelings, fulfill all our social needs, always be romantic and passionate and always make us happy. All too often, such burdens are unbearable.
And we do ourselves a great service and make ourselves miserable when we demand “perfection” in everything we do or how we look or live our life.
4. Friendliness always counts.
Even the smallest friendly actions always have an effect. You always make a difference.
One day, at the end of my relationship with my ex, my then manager found me crying in the toilets at work. After persuading me to tell her why I was so upset, she hugged me and sent me home for the rest of the day. It was exactly what I needed then.
I have never forgotten their friendliness and now I consciously try to be as compassionate in my daily life as possible.
Kindness reminds us of our shared humanity, our innate need for other people and our feeling of connection to everything around us, especially to our loved ones. Our actions count. We count.
If we show kindness to others, we also show kindness to ourselves because our compassionate actions resonate in us. The positive energy, good karma, whatever you want to call it, is good for us; it gives us a better feeling for ourselves.
Choose friendliness whenever possible. Be nice to your loved ones, friends and colleagues, even if they drive you crazy. Show kindness to strangers. Be kind to those who hurt you. It will benefit you more than you can imagine.
5. Love should be shown.
Nobody likes not feeling valued or taken for granted in a relationship. I know this only too well from personal experience.
We cannot simply assume that our loved ones know how important they are to us. It is therefore important to show them in words and deeds.
Say "I love you", praise them and compliment them. Show your partner how much you value him. Express your admiration for other people.
Take a real interest in their interests. Celebrate their successes and comfort them when they are upset. Often say "thank you" and "sorry" if necessary.
Life is short, so show your love for others without embarrassment and don't forget to show you love too. (Remember, self-love is never selfish.)
6. You are different, but always the same.
You and your partner are two unique people in a relationship, both different, but always the same.
It doesn't matter if either of you makes more money, is older, stronger, healthier or more educated – you both deserve the same respect and the same say in your partnership. You are both equally worthy.
A respectful compromise is as important as give and take. An equal relationship offers us a safe, loving place to grow.
Just as you two are different, all relationships are different. Don't waste time comparing your unique relationship with the unique relationships of others. Your relationship doesn't have to look like someone else's. it just has to work for you.
7. Communication is the key.
One tactic my ex used when trying to express an issue that was important to me was to laugh at myself, to imitate myself or to explain that I was wrong, crazy, stupid or paranoid. His verbal bullying was a way not only to belittle me but also to deny me my voice, my right to be heard.
A lack of effective communication leads to resentment, arguments and misunderstandings even for the dearest couple. A healthy relationship requires that both partners listen to each other and communicate respectfully.
When we listen to our partner, we need to pay full attention to what he is saying and not interrupt or respond hastily with our point of view, our guilt, criticism, or anger. Anger always tarnishes our judgment and can make us say hurtful things that we later regret.
Instead, we first have to stop to digest what they said, see their perspective, and then look at our answer.
It is important to remember that you and your partner are a team, not a fighter.
Of course, you can only control yourself, and just because you listen fully and focus on understanding and compromise does not guarantee that this is the case. But most people tend to open their minds if someone has offered them the same courtesy.
8. Borders should protect your well-being, not close your heart.
My relationship with my ex clearly showed me that I cannot set effective limits. I let him run over me, which worsened my already fragile self-esteem.
As I mentioned earlier, partners work as a team in healthy relationships, and teams work best when there are clear boundaries – when both people clearly communicate what they are comfortable with and say no when they need it. The intent to set boundaries is not to close your heart or to limit your love, but to ensure that there is respect and greater understanding.
You must first recognize and understand your feelings in order to set limits and to recognize when these limits are exceeded. Vague or unrealistic limits can be estranged from your partner, which is why you have to be clear so that no misunderstandings arise.
What do you like or dislike? What are your preferences? Where should the line be drawn and what actions would cross this line?
You need to think about how you can please yourself, not just other people. It is your right to say as much no and to express your needs.
Limits do not reduce your love, but serve to protect you from situations that threaten your love, feelings and well-being. Partners who respect each other's limits first ask for permission, consider each other's feelings, show gratitude, and respect differences.
9. The most valuable gift is time (and attention).
All too often we give our precious time for things, tasks and people who do not enrich our lives. We work overtime every day instead of going home to our loved ones, or we spend hours on social media instead of talking to our partners.
When we give our loved ones time, we clearly show them that they are important to us. When we spend time with our relationship, we show that we value them and our partner.
In the same way, we affirm that we are important when we give ourselves time. Whether we like a hobby, sleep, or read a book, it's time well spent. Self-care always needs moments of loneliness and reflection. We all have the right to spend time alone.
When it comes time to look back at our lives, we will probably regret working long hours in a job we didn't like, or people who like those who didn't care about us or appreciate our efforts. We will never regret the moments we spent with loved ones and friends, the things we enjoyed, or the moments when we took good care of ourselves.
Choose carefully who and what you devote your time and attention to. it is really the most valuable gift you have.
10. Forgiveness opens our hearts.
Resentment, regret and resentment poison relationships and life. They steal our present moments and keep us trapped in the past. It takes more energy to be angry and resentful than to forgive, and that energy is harmful and toxic.
None of us can change our past experiences, but we can change our perception of them. If we view our past injuries, betrayals and mistakes as valuable learning tools, we can forgive others and ourselves better. Forgiveness is incredibly powerful and gives us the freedom to focus on the present moment.
We really forgive for our sake, nobody else. It is an act of strength and an integral part of healing because it releases our pain and decisively releases the hold that the experience once had on us.
When my ex showed up unexpectedly a few months after we split up to make up, I naturally refused, but I forgave him and wished him well.
Our conversation that day was an important part of closing and moving forward this chapter of my life, and hopefully it was the same for him.
I was determined not to let my relationship with my ex overshadow the rest of my life, but to learn from it so that I would not repeat the same pattern in the future.
And I succeeded.
Today I have a strong sense of self-worth and know how to set healthy boundaries in my relationships. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for many years who, like me, believes in these ten rules.
And that made the difference.
About KJ Hutchings
KJ Hutchings is a writer and artist for fiction and self-help. Much of her work focuses on women's empowerment, self-esteem, and creativity, as well as relationship problems. Visit their website at kjhutchings.com for a 25% discount on artworks in their online shop, free fiction and the chance to win original heartfelt paintings. You can also find them on Facebook and Twitter.
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