“Agreeing things just to keep peace is actually a trauma response. If you do that, you will disregard your limits. "~ DJ Love Light
Two years ago I moved from New England to the Pacific Northwest. It was time for a change, and although I was excited to start a new chapter in my life, I was sorry to leave my old friends behind.
The first year in my new home was hectic. I hopped from hostel to hostel looking for my own apartment. I was keen to make friends and spent my evenings attending all kinds of meetups. My business grew when I welcomed a new influx of customers. My fear sat on this external pressure, a presence whose intensity subsided and flowed like an unpredictable flood.
During this transition period, I tried to maintain constant contact with my friends in New England. One day I had to postpone a call to a friend because I felt completely overwhelmed. I apologized and postponed the following weekend, although it would be my first free weekend in months and it would take me time to recover. "I'll make it," I said to myself.
Behold, when the next weekend arrived, I was worried and exhausted from another stressful week. The thought of making a call felt extremely overwhelming, so I called it off. Again.
This time my friend was rightly upset with me. He saw my persistent rescheduling as a lack of investment in our friendship, and we slowly lost contact.
Even now, months later, I am very ashamed of how I dealt with this interaction. It was a painful loss that taught me an incredibly valuable lesson: Making promises you can't keep is a surefire way to undermine relationships – relationships with others and your own relationship with yourself.
Since then I have learned to break the promising pattern and to trust myself again. That's how it works.
Why do we promise too much and deliver too little?
In general, an overly promising result arises from our desire to be liked or accepted. We believe that when we give 110 percent, we are most valuable to others, and therefore we promise too much – we make a commitment that is unrealistic given the current circumstances.
Promising could look like:
Agreement to complete a work project within an unrealistic deadline
Promising to call a friend even though your schedule is completely insane
Agreement to attend multiple parties over a weekend despite social fear
Over-promise is a specific form of philanthropy, a phenomenon in which we act against our natural impulses to gain approval, acceptance, or love from another.
When we promise too much, we try to become an idealized version of ourselves – a version that does these things effortlessly on a specific timeline. In this way we deny our natural limits and prioritize what others want from us rather than what we need from ourselves.
Somewhere along the way, most people who knew that their authentic self was not lovable enough, and therefore, consciously or unconsciously, believe that the only way to secure the love they crave is otherwise to be. You can make great efforts to be more sociable, more productive, more accommodating, or happier than you really are. In the event of over-promise, they go out of their way to give more than they can comfortably.
As a result, those of us who promise too much either do the agreed task – albeit annoyingly – or withdraw altogether. In any case, it does serious harm because we learn that we cannot trust ourselves. We have a gnawing feeling of shame and the belief that we will have to do better next time, and so the cycle repeats.
The secret to breaking this cycle full of guilt is to communicate our needs, limits, and desires with proactive limits from the start.
The Power of Proactive Limits
When we think about borders, we generally think of what I call retroactive borders: responding to someone else's behavior with a clear statement of what is acceptable to us or not. We may feel threatened, angry, insecure, overwhelmed, or triggered, and respond accordingly. For example:
On a first date, your companion puts his arm around your shoulders. You feel uncomfortable. They take his hand off and say, "I'm not ready for public expressions of love yet."
Your father asks you who to vote for. They say, "Dad, I want to keep who I choose privately."
Her friend Barb asks if she can borrow $ 100. They respond, "I'm sorry, Barb, but I usually don't borrow money."
Retroactive borders are a form of verbal self-defense. They are powerful and effective, but many find it terribly difficult to hire. Speaking for ourselves can be difficult when we already feel threatened, bullied, or pressured. If we grew up in an environment where we were hurt when we spoke for ourselves, we couldn't find the idea of setting limits.
In order to avoid the cumbersome process of setting retroactive borders, I learned the art of proactively setting borders. Proactive limits require that we consider in advance what our needs, limitations and desires will be. We then communicate these needs in the early phase of the relationship and effectively incorporate our needs into the basis of the relationship.
Some examples:
You exchange numbers with someone you meet at an event. They hope that this will become a friendship. If she sends you a text message the next day, reply with enthusiasm and let them know that it usually takes a few hours or days to reply to texts.
You have a history of trauma. Before your romantic relationship becomes physical, tell your partner that you would rather slow down on physical intimacy. They explain that you wait for sex until you feel safe and comfortable.
You were offered a new job. They also have a toddler in childcare. You tell your new employer that if your toddler gets sick and needs to be picked up by childcare, you must leave work early to do so.
Setting proactive limits requires self-acceptance. We need to be able to recognize and accept our own needs in order to convey them to others. In this way we give others the opportunity to be authentic and share their needs with us.
Sometimes both parties are willing to meet each other's needs or find a manageable compromise. Sometimes, after sharing our proactive boundaries, we may find that our needs are inconsistent with the needs of our new partner, friend, or colleague. And that's perfectly fine. Wouldn't you rather learn that from the beginning rather than six months or six years later?
Setting proactive limits
Scenarios like this may go well with proactive boundaries:
Negotiate how quickly you respond to texts, calls and emails
Discuss the intimacy rate in a physical relationship
Limit the number of additional tasks you can perform in the office
Negotiate dating as a single parent
Determine how you handle money when moving in with your partner
Finding the right language can be the most difficult part of setting boundaries. In my experience, starting a two-way conversation where both parties can express their needs without judgment is the easiest way to have a healthy conversation. You could try the following:
If you set proactive limits in new friendships or new romantic relationships:
"I am pleased with the connection we are building. I want to talk to you about what this relationship should look like. I would like to hear a bit about your needs and share some of my own."
When setting proactive boundaries in existing relationships that are going through a transition:
“I know that we are entering a new phase in our friendship / romantic relationship / working relationship. To make the transition easier for both of us, I would like to talk to you about what this new phase should look like. I would love to hear a bit about your needs and share some of my own. "
When setting proactive limits at work:
"I am very much looking forward to working with you. Before we start, I would like to schedule a conversation to discuss how I can best meet your needs and vice versa."
Setting proactive limits does not prevent your friends, colleagues, or relatives from crossing your limits in the future. In these circumstances, however, it is far easier to refer to a previously agreed limit than to set a new limit from scratch.
Proactive boundaries changed my life
I used to be deeply disgraced for the trail of broken promises I had left behind. Now I understand that accepting my own needs is the key to keeping my word.
I use proactive borders every day. My friends know that I am slow to reply to texts, emails and Facebook messages. My partner knows that I have a history of trauma and that I have to set the tone for our physical interactions. My customers know that I work four days a week from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. and do not reply to emails outside of this period. My immediate family knows that I won't be discussing politics at home.
By setting these limits I was able to love myself. Before that, I hated the fact that my fear prevented me from staying in better contact. I hated how my trauma showed up in the worst moments. I felt guilty and lazy for not responding to my client's emails on weekends. Now I accept that these are my needs and I give others the opportunity to accept them.
Those who know my limits and still connect with me are a strong reminder that my needs do not make me unworthy of the affection of others. They remind me that I am lovable and enough the way I am.
About Hailey Magee
Hailey Magee is a certified life coach who helps individuals overcome the philanthropic pattern, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of telling the truth. She has worked with over 100 customers in the United States, France, Yemen, Ireland, South Africa and other countries. Sign up for a free 30-minute consultation to learn how coaching can lead you to live from a place of strength, authenticity, and inner peace. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram or visit her website www.haileymagee.com.
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