“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfect, not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we only love the reflection of ourselves that we find in them. "~ Thomas Merton, Nobody is an island.
Have you ever noticed how love and affection flow so naturally with certain couples? Almost effortless indeed. There is a good reason for that. These couples have learned to accept each other as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more lively flow of love.
If we don't accept our loved one for who and what he is – quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits and everything – we tell him that he's not good enough. That they are neglected.
Who wants to feel that – especially in matters of the heart?
Simply put, if you don't accept your loved one as they are, it will dampen the flow of love.
Even porcupines know that! With thousands of quills on their bodies, they know they have to pull them in and touch their paws if they want to have a “close” relationship.
If porcupines manage to find ways to "accept" their "loved ones", quills and everything, shouldn't we be able to?
The following are some important practices and ways of thinking that will make a major contribution.
Don't try to change your loved one.
If you try to change another one, do not accept it. Still, many of us are constantly trying to change the characteristics and habits of our loved ones or to say what they should do differently.
I included myself!
I like orderliness in our house, but it is very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and in our garage there is a constant build up of clutter. In the early years of our marriage, I tried to persuade them to dispose of unused items in our garage. I complained, pleaded, and even appeased myself.
She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter just to reappear days later. As I continued to harp, I was quickly met: "You try to take care of the children, do the shopping, do the laundry … and keep the garage clean!"
Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!
Finally I realized that I was powerless to change their behavior and that my constant attempt to do so affected our love affair.
When I started accepting my wife for who and how she was – clutter and everything – this increased the flow of love. Our bond today is stronger than ever.
In addition, my acceptance brought me an unexpected gift. It allowed me to think about why (and when) I was so disheveled easily. I discovered that it was almost always related to feeling anxious and stressed, usually because of work or finance, or because I am not productive or generally feeling unwell.
Addressing these "personal truths" brought me peace of mind, and my wife's disorder no longer bothered me.
Simply put, it was about me, not about her!
It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask:
Do I really have the power to change my loved one?
In most cases we don't. The simple truth is that people will change when and whether they want or can do it, not because we want to.
Reduce your expectations of your loved one
High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment and separation.
My friend Margaret told how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:
“Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships that I've had. I start to be fun and serene, but as soon as the relationship builds up, I expect some level of communication, contact, and time with each other. I almost don't know I'm doing it. I hear the person say that they feel pressure and that everything has to be planned, but I keep going. It is terrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I have to let go. I just don't seem to know how to do it. "
Margaret's dilemma is not uncommon: Little expectations at the beginning, when the "love stakes" are low, increase steadily when the relationship becomes more serious.
One thing is clear, however: If you expect too much from your loved one, do not accept him.
Many of our expectations are based on core needs that we are looking for to meet them. For example, we might think that if our partner did more care or spent more time with us – instead of working so much or doing other things – we would be happier and less lonely. Or if they were more interested in our efforts and passions, they would be more satisfying.
However, think about whether we will really be better if our loved one does what we want or expect. Is our happiness and well-being so dependent on them? I am not suggesting.
If our focus and trust are too focused on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can take to improve the relationship.
It can help reduce your expectations if you ask yourself the following question:
Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically meet?
Mostly they are something that only we can do.
Honor Your Beloved's Choice
All people, including our loved ones, have their own path of life and are entitled to make the decisions that influence and ultimately determine this path.
We can feel sorry for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want the best for them, but we cannot really know what is best for them.
This is because we look at things through our own history, prisms and filters, not through theirs. Therefore, we should accept their decisions unless we or others are hurt by them. If we do not do this, we will not accept them as they are and risk hindering and endangering their way.
However, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling tendencies and keep my ego at bay or keep calm, that "I know what's best" is part of me.
I also have to remember that the positions and decisions of others are valid – for them.
Acceptance is a choice
Ultimately, it is a decision that each of us must make to accept our loved one for who, what and how he or she is. We are essentially powerless to change their ways and characteristics that we do not like, and trying to do so makes things worse.
We are served much better when we focus on what we have control over: our part or our role in the relationship.
This includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions as well as our willingness to accept our own shortcomings and participate in relationship disorders.
And remember, nobody is perfect and flawless, least of all we ourselves!
I encourage you to choose acceptance – and improve the flow of love!
About Daniel Miller
Daniel A. Miller is an artist, poet, successful businessman and bestselling author of The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing people and things as they are, a Library Journal Best Wellness Book from 2018, a foreword reviewer of the 2018 Book of the Year Award finalist in Family and Relationships, and the IBPA Benjamin Franklin 2018 nonfiction silver medalist. His 130 articles on control and acceptance dynamics can be found at danielamiller.com.
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