A woman tries to tell her boss that she won't be working overtime on the third day of this week.
A man feels angry in his relationship because he always gives and his partner always takes.
A woman wants to stop faking pleasure in the bedroom, but doesn't know how.
Although their stories differ, these people share a painful secret. They worry that if they are real and authentic themselves, they will not be loved or accepted. They have spent their lives transforming themselves into smaller, "more acceptable" versions of their personality, sacrificing their authenticity.
I too am a recovering people lover. In my teens and early twenties, I listened enviously as my friends spread their unfiltered truths like a handful of finger paint across our conversations. Every time I had to refuse an invitation to a party, the Third World War raged in my chest when I was plagued by nerves and feelings of guilt. The thought of disappointing others frightened me.
I felt terribly alone in my plight. In particular, I was convinced that 1) I was the only one struggling with this level of philanthropy, 2) something terrible was wrong with me, and 3) I would be like this forever.
In the years since, my work has made me speak to people who like people, dependent people, highly sensitive people, empaths, and chronic caregivers around the world. From Ireland to Yemen, India to Malaysia, France to South Africa and more, I have spoken to people who are conquering the philanthropic pattern, setting empowered limits, and mastering the art of telling the truth.
Their stories taught me that people's favor is a very common – and totally fragile – pattern. From hundreds of conversations, here are the nine most valuable lessons I've learned:
1. If you don't tell your truth, your truth will speak through you.
At first, it sounds like a good idea to remain silent to keep the peace. Why tell our truth and deal with the negative reactions of others when we can endure our own discomfort like champagne? Those of us who have played the role of peacekeepers in their families of origin will find this approach familiar, perhaps even pleasant.
But people all over the world agree: Outer peace requires inner peace. If you are silent, the people around you may be blissfully ignorant, but you will feel the effects emotionally and physically. For example, debilitating anxiety, depression, jaw tension, and abdominal pain are common symptoms that people report when they choke their voice for a long period of time.
Recuperating people around the world recommends: Recognize that speaking your truth is not a kitschy self-help mantra: it is a necessary recipe for a mentally and physically healthy life.
2. If it is difficult for you to access your desires and needs, a good first step is to adjust to your body's simple physical desires.
Even those of us who have a long history of people who find favor can access the sacred whispers of our inner selves through their bodies. As Martha Graham famously wrote, "The body never lies." We can start living our truth by paying attention to our body's pointers to eating, sleep, exercise, sex, dance, and play.
People who want to relax all over the world recommend: Sleep when you are tired. Don't eat food you don't like. Don't have sex if you're not in the mood. Dance when you want to dance. The more you practice listening to these simple needs, the more complex your desires become.
3. Expecting others to read your needs is a recipe for resentment.
In the past, I have used excessive time and energy to examine others for clues to their likes and dislikes. I was a bonafide chameleon who adjusted my colors the way I thought others would like best.
Given my hyper-vigilance towards others' preferences, I believed that if people really knew and really loved me, they would predict my needs. Unfortunately, you can't love being a mind reader, and I was regularly disappointed when people didn't show me how I wanted to.
If we assume that others should automatically know how to take care of us, we assume that we all have the same definition of care. Your partner may have to say "I love you", but your partner may show their love by rewiring your toaster.
Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages shows five different ways that people show love, including affirmative words, quality of time, gifts, service, or physical touch. Avoid guessing games and often communicate your needs explicitly.
The Restoration of People Lovers Around the World recommends that you explain your needs to your loved ones to avoid mixed messages that can lead to painful misunderstandings.
4. Nursing can be selfish if we don't have a strong foundation of self-love.
Many people love care for others because it gives us a sense of value. We structure our identity in such a way that we are reliable, generous, listen carefully and may even make sacrifices. However, if we take care of others without taking care of ourselves – without developing our own interests – we may need to be used to make sense of the goal. This means that we may insist on care, even though our efforts are no longer necessary, requested or welcome, which can violate someone else's boundaries and autonomy. ⠀
To recommend to people around the world, recommend: Give yourself the level of love and care that you would regularly give to others. Pay your bills. Go to the doctor. Take your time. Treat yourself to a nice dinner. This way, if you make the decision to take care of others, you can do so without any conditions.
5. Just because it feels uncomfortable to state your needs and take up space doesn't mean it's wrong. It means it's new.
Many of the people I spoke to remembered how scary it was to express their needs and take a seat first. It felt "impossible", "terrifying" and "overwhelming" to them. Can you tell something
This discomfort is a naturally growing pain. If you break the philanthropic pattern, you'll have to rewrite the scripts you've followed since childhood. Maybe you were told as a child that it makes you unpopular to tell your truth. Perhaps you were bullied at school because you were different, so you tried hard to fit in. Regardless, you break a pattern of years or decades of making yourself small. Practicing will make it feel less challenging.
The restoration of people who love people around the world recommends that instead of interpreting fear as a sign that you are doing something wrong, formulate it as confirmation that you are doing something new – and growing as a result.
6. It is perfectly normal to feel mean, guilty or overwhelmed after setting a healthy limit.
If you grew up in an environment where you were punished or neglected when expressing your true feelings, learning the art of honest expression is a radical act. Simply setting a limit can be like a huge emotional change feel. You learn to stand up for yourself, and like any new skill, it takes practice.
After setting a limit, you may be wondering if you are a bad friend / mother / colleague / [insert role here]. Of course you are not, but your nervous system has to learn this over time.
The Restoration of People Lovers Around the World Recommends: Acknowledge that you have just done serious emotional work by setting a limit. Keep compassionate and give yourself permission to rest and relax.
7. If you have difficulty setting limits, you may tend to take people out when resentment occurs. If you learn to set limits, you can maintain your relationships in moments of conflict.
For much of my life, I couldn't maintain a single close friendship for more than a year. It seemed that all friendship withered at some point – not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When I sat down and thought about this pattern, I realized that I had chosen to fade friendships instead of addressing and resolving my complaints when there were conflicts – and conflicts will of course occur in all meaningful relationships ,
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People lovers could cut people out if we don't have the tools to communicate how we really feel. When we break the philanthropic habit, we develop the ability to have difficult conversations with friends and family – which enables us to nurture and strengthen these relationships.
To help people all over the world to relax, recommends: Contrary to popular belief, borders are an invitation to connect. Remember to take into account the many ways that setting limits helps your relationships instead of threatening them.
8. Sometimes extroversion is only human-friendly on a social level. For some of us, breaking the philanthropic pattern means learning to accept our own introversion.
As people lovers, we regularly act against our instincts to become a version of ourselves that we think is endearing. For many of us, the bubbly extrovert that we present in social environments is really just an unconscious accomplishment. In my conversations with a lot of philanthropists, I was shocked to hear how sociable, fast-talking people shared that whatever they wanted was permission to be quiet. "I want to be confident that I am worth being loved even when I am not entertaining others," they would say.
As children, we may only have received love if we have been active, open-minded and happy. If our parents were addicted or had a mental illness, we may have been acting as their caregiver, providing sunshine, comfort and a good mood. As a result, we feel that we have to be happy or sociable all the time to be loved – and we are exhausted from it. We are tired of performing in adulthood and we long for inner peace.
The Restoration of People Lovers Around the World Recommends: Practice giving yourself permission not to be around others.
9. There is no "right" way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship.
I recently had to leave a Platonic relationship. It was a friendship that had many beautiful and many toxic parts, and my decision to leave was undecided.
As a result, I felt a hundred ways about it. I was saddened by the loss. I felt empowered to stand up for myself. I was angry with the circumstances that led to our dissolution. I felt sorry for my friend's limitations and my own. I had self-doubt and wondered whether I was handling the conflict correctly. I was hoping for friendships that would come. And I really missed my friend.
There is no right way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship. Relationships are never one-dimensional, and therefore our emotions, when they end, will rarely be one-dimensional. At the same time, you can be sure that you left the person and missed them terribly.
Recuperating people around the world recommends that when you leave a toxic relationship you realize that all of your feelings are legitimate. You don't have to choose just one.
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Years and hundreds of conversations later, my initial understanding of philanthropy has changed completely:
The Myth : "I am the only one who has to struggle with this level of philanthropy."
The Truth: If you are a recovering human lover, you are far from being alone. Millions of people around the world are doing the challenging and rewarding job of learning to tell the truth. There are even Facebook support groups like this that are designed specifically for people who are working to overcome the philanthropic pattern.
The myth: "Something terribly wrong with me."
The Truth: As a child, it was probably philanthropic to secure love and affection from distant, careless, or self-centered caregivers. It was a survival strategy. Now you can give yourself permission to let it go.
The Myth: "I will be like this forever."
The Truth: Human-friendly is not a life sentence; It is a pattern that you can break with practice and intention. You can seek support from friends, therapists, and coaches as you practice the art of radical self-expression.
As hundreds of people around the world made clear: with time and intention, you can master the art of telling your truth and finding the strength, authenticity, and inner peace that you have been waiting for.
About Hailey Magee
Hailey Magee is a certified life coach who helps individuals overcome the philanthropic pattern, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of telling the truth. Sign up for a free 30-minute consultation to learn how coaching can lead you to live from a place of strength, authenticity, and inner peace. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram or visit her website www.haileymagee.com.
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