"Having our history and loving ourselves through this process is the bravest thing we'll ever do." Brené Brown
When I was growing up, I observed my grandparents' relationship with longing. They anticipated each other's needs, made small, loving gestures for each other every day and put their other fists without resentment. I longed to have a relationship like this one day and meet someone who understood me as they understood each other.
In contrast, I have observed the relationship between my parents. My mother was in constant panic and tried desperately to please my father. Her actions have always met with contempt and criticism, and her attention and affection efforts have been ignored.
He never anticipated her needs or took care of what she wanted. He did what he wanted, said what he thought, constantly criticized and complained, rarely helped around the house except for the cooking he loved, and he always prevailed in the relationship. I didn't want such a relationship and the thought of becoming something like my mother repelled me.
When we grow up in a toxic environment, we are often not taught how to love and appreciate ourselves. We are not taught to stand up for ourselves or to develop healthy boundaries with others. As a result, we are drawn to abusive and / or toxic relationships because this type of treatment feels normal.
Throughout high school and university, I attracted a number of relationships that represented my upbringing.
I have made friends with people who have used and rejected me, who have expressed their opinions, views and values, but who could care less about mine. I had employers who didn't appreciate me, and I acted passively and tried to please because I had been taught that this was the only way to be liked and valued.
I attracted romantic partners who verbally and physically abused me and treated me the same way my father treated my mother.
People in my life told me things like "I will love you if …" "I will treat you better if …" "I will only care what you have to say when and when … "
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These statements were familiar to me, so I accepted them without question, but I was caught in a cycle of abuse and self-loathing. A cycle that hurt me and kept me from becoming the person I should be.
I've learned that if you don't love or appreciate yourself, you can't expect someone else to love, resect, or appreciate you. If you don't love yourself, you cannot keep healthy boundaries that protect your dignity and personal value, and you allow others to define yourself in a demeaning and self-serving way.
For me, self-love means discarding old stories that others have told me for years. I was not worthless or incompetent. I wasn't defined by the grades I didn't get in high school or the mistakes I made when I learned new skills. I wasn't lazy I wouldn't find a sad ending or burden society. I would do great things with my life. I would thrive!
If you grew up in a toxic environment, you have probably been taught that self-love is narcissistic, that being self-aware and wrong about being aware of your own needs and putting those needs first, and that you should continue to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others who are more important than you.
You must remember that these words were probably said to you by people who benefited from your self-sacrifice and self-loathing. There is nothing wrong with expressing your own needs, desires and desires or setting and achieving goals that enable you to live a fulfilling life. You become your best self when you do these things and you are better able to help others in a meaningful way.
When I started to love myself, my life started to change. I started to set healthy boundaries with people and the relationships in my life started to change. People who were in my life to use me as tools fell away, and although I was sad to lose these so-called friendships, I started to build mutual relationships. I was listed in social situations and my options were respected and valued for the first time in my life!
I started to get a clear picture of my goals and needs and began to understand myself in a way I had never done before.
If you grow up with abuse in any way, you will not be taught who you are. Instead, the perpetrator gives you a self-interested, subordinate narrative of yourself that reflects who you are and serves your own selfish needs. If you stick to this narrative, you can never be yourself or live up to your potential life because you are forced to be blind to your own needs and strengths.
After I made a conscious decision to let go of other people's past stories, I was free. This did not mean that I was blind to my shortcomings or that I felt entitled, arrogant, or important myself. It meant taking on my strengths, feeling sorry for myself when I made mistakes, being aware of my needs, and allowing myself to rest and think when I needed it.
I learned that self-love is a process. For me, this process meant writing down what I like about myself, my past achievements that I'm proud of, what I'm good at, what I need in relationships and work environments.
It meant having the courage to break away from relationships with people who don't respect me, including members of my own family.
It was about preparing for success and happiness by building on my strengths and allowing myself to grow.
I did my master's degree, started my doctorate, joined a competition team and helped my students and friends in a meaningful way and built meaningful relationships with like-minded people. I took risks that led to rewards that I could never have imagined. My point here is not to brag, but to illustrate that I could not have achieved these things if I hadn't learned to love myself.
Let go of stories that no longer serve you, do what you love, believe in your skills and know that someone will love you for you! Self-love is a choice and I hope you will choose it on Valentine's Day and always.
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