"If you say yes to others, make sure you don't say no to yourself." ~ Paulo Coehlo
As long as I can remember, I have been a philanthropist. I am proud to be popular, to say yes and never to say no. I try hard even when I feel uncomfortable. I was proud that one of my skills suits people so that I am needed. I avoid conflicts. I'm kidding. I am happiest when I feel happy with myself.
For a while it felt good to me. I felt helpful. I liked being described as relaxed. By making myself sympathetic, I made everything around me better and more stable. It didn't matter that I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, it was just what I should do.
But then there were the other times. The times when I felt like I was acting outside of myself to please and be liked by someone else. The times when I did things outside of my character, promised people who didn't deserve the yes, and went beyond just to keep the peace.
I had never thought about the why behind this behavior until a friend asked me a favor this year. This was something I had previously done for this friend, but it would bother me a lot on that particular day, which was full of necessary obligations and duties.
I copied an answer to rejection and deleted it at least six times before wondering why I was so afraid to say no? Why was I always so afraid to say no? Why did I say no to something that I couldn't actually do to make myself so scared? Why have I always tried so hard to please everyone around me?
The answer came when I started examining my past, especially by examining the first people in my life I ever wanted to please – my parents. Many of my memories of my parents' marriage are happy. They are memories of times when we go on vacation with the family, enjoy the sun together and experience great adventures. There are memories and video evidence of happy holidays full of laughter, excitement and joy.
Then there are the other times. The times when they shout at each other, throw things at each other and spit out negativity and hatred. There were slammed doors and physical struggles between the two to get to the other. There were weeks of silent treatment, threats, called police, an egg-filled house for floors.
In this environment I learned what to do to cause the slightest additional complication. In this environment, I became what I needed to be to add the least amount of stress to an already terribly stressful situation. In this environment I became a philanthropist.
I have never thought in my whole life how growing up in this environment affects me, but suddenly everything became so clear. Everything came here. Here comes the part of me that was so afraid of making any waves. This is where the ego, who is afraid of causing chaos or angering someone, and the ego, who is so anxious to keep the peace, come from.
When I realized this, I finally began to make peace with many of the decisions I made and failed to make. I have made peace with the part of me who wants everything to always be fine, predictable and planned. I made peace with the part of me that acted next to me just to adapt. I made peace with the part of me that lied just to be liked. With this part of me I made peace and started to let go.
Not everyone will be happy with me at all times, and that's fine. I can be the source of chaos. I can be the stress of a situation and that's fine too. Saying no doesn't make people in my life scold me, hate me, or leave me. And if it did, the relationship was initially not strong enough.
There are reasons for the reactions you have, how you act, and how you think. The negative behaviors, these draining thought patterns – they can all be traced back to different moments in your life.
By examining these patterns and questioning these behaviors, we can identify their source and see why it is so necessary to let them go, no matter how safe and stable these patterns have made us feel.
If you ever act in a way that confuses you and gives you unnecessary fear, I encourage you to question yourself and ask exactly where that feeling comes from. It can be one of the most powerful things you have ever done.
About Adrienne Courtney
Adrienne Courtney is an author and psychology student living in Orlando, Florida. Her passion is awareness of mental health, and the role we share in our stories plays a role in both mental health and the general human relationship. You can find more personal essays at inourfeelings.com.
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The post Why I was a People Pleaser and how I quit first appeared on Tiny Buddha.
