"Sometimes even life is an act of courage." ~ Seneca
I admit it for the first time: I was bullied at school.
I was thirteen at the time and lived in dorm 11 for a year. I never recognized it because I felt that bullying was too little misfortune to complain about.
But now, when I think back on it, I can remember exactly what the dormitory looked like. I remember the view from the windows, the corridor in front of my dormitory. I remember the other children's faces and my face – vulnerable, confused and lost.
It was the same year that I started to show symptoms of OCD. From then on it only went downhill …
I guess I was lucky because it got better at some point. My life isn't perfect at twenty-nine, but I'm happier than I ever thought.
All the advice I have received over the years and my life experiences can be reduced to three simple steps. If, like me, you are dissatisfied with your situation, these steps may also be helpful for you.
Step 1: The starting point
The starting point is hardly ever dealt with in the self-help community. I think it's a secret and I'll whisper it:
Life is difficult.
Fresh out of school I finally made my way to a better life. (My goals were very modest: I wanted to have my OCD under control, better social skills and a romantic partner.)
Back then I was heavily influenced by books that promoted extreme positivity. I am grateful for these books because I was not ready for the lesson of life at that time. They gave me hope where I didn't have one.
But these books also distorted my view of reality. They led me to bizarre conclusions: I thought that if I achieved my goals, I would be guaranteed uninterrupted happiness.
When things were not going in my direction, I felt that something was wrong with me. When my goals took longer than expected, I envied other people.
I also did not understand that our desires are ultimately not finite. Achieving my goals would not lead me to a place of complete happiness. Instead, it would just bring me new desires and obstacles.
I still read self-help books today, but I am biased towards Stoic thinkers. Although the Stoics worked towards their wishes, their actions came from a crystal clear view of reality. You understand that life will be challenging even if you become as rich or beautiful as you dream of.
The starting point takes you exactly there – to the starting point. It brings you to the fixed platform of reality. Life is hard and no amount of positive thinking or goal setting can change that. This is not a good or bad thing. It’s just like that.
Step 2: The Problem
The problem is the gap between what you want to be and what you are today.
When I was growing up, I always envied my sister. She was socially savvy and had many friends. And here I was – awkward, awkward, and out of step.
My social isolation was certainly painful. But the realization that I was different from what I wanted to be made a major contribution to my misery.
Step 2 recognizes that while there is a gap between who you want to be and who you are, it is fine. It doesn't mean that you are worthless (you are not). It also doesn't mean that you failed as a person (you didn't).
I am very aware of every lack in myself. I make a fuss about every little mistake I make. I forget to remember that everyone has shortcomings. And it is human to make mistakes.
What about Nobel Prize winners? Yes, they make mistakes too. And presidents? Yes! Celebrities and sports stars? ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE!
I am not saying that we stop working towards our dreams or that we stop trying to become better people. I only suggest that we start our journey with a feeling of self-esteem and self-esteem.
And that brings us to step 3.
Step 3: The solution
The solution gives us two tools to build a happy life: scrum and acceptance.
Hustling is the brute approach to happiness: you take tremendous actions and leave no stone unturned as you chase your dreams.
And it works.
If you invest time and effort consistently, you will probably get what you are looking for.
This is how I achieved my original goals: I worked with a psychiatrist to get my compulsive disorder under control. I forced myself to meet new people to acquire social skills. And one day I met a wonderful woman who thought I was interesting.
And then I wanted more. Contrary to my expectations, I didn't slow down to enjoy what I had. I always wanted more.
I thought that city life is not fun if you don't have a well-paid job. And it was impossible to look acceptable with glasses. My relationship got boring and I started looking for someone.
To my horror, I realized that my life was nothing but a treadmill! My wishes turned out to be completely meaningless. And happiness stayed away like never before.
Enter, accept.
Acceptance is the opposite of hectic. Acceptance does not need a reality to change in any way. What is is.
Acceptance is also the gate to gratitude. You start to slow down and appreciate what you already have.
I have accepted that my relationship cannot last forever. This makes me appreciate what it means to be together today. (It is important to me to enjoy every evening we spend together.) I have also accepted OCD as part of me. And now I can enjoy the benefits of super detail orientation.
Finally, acceptance shows that it is not worth pursuing all goals.
In summary:
The constant hustle and bustle makes my life seem like a meaningless treadmill.
But just relying on acceptance is a very spiritual path. (I'm not ready for that yet.)
So the solution is a mixture of hectic and acceptance. I am still chasing my desires. At the same time, I know that performance and happiness are two separate things.
Luckily, I have to rely on acceptance and gratitude.
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Thanks for reading. I hope you have found at least one idea that will help you.
I understand that all experiences are different. Maybe what I wrote doesn't match you. In this case, I pray that the information you need will be found very soon.
I wish you all the luck in the world!
About Pritam Saikia
Pritam shares practical and positive ideas for our complicated lives. Although life was not always easy, he likes to find solutions. If you are passionate about living a better life, read: Atypical thinking.
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