Because immigrants often feel that they live on two worlds – their country of origin and their new one – the development of identity for this population is complex and critical. Migrant clients often tell Sara Stanizai, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Prospect Therapy in Long Beach, California, that they have a foot in every culture and don't completely fit into either.
When people feel they don't belong to a particular community and are constantly hiding one or more aspects of themselves to adapt, they question their identity and decisions, Stanizai explains. She thinks this is especially true for aspiring adults who are figuring out their careers. Immigrants are successful in their jobs, but often feel they have failed because they hide or ignore part of their identity, as she says.
Daniel Gutierrez, assistant professor in the counselor training program and coordinator of the addiction focus for the clinical counseling program for mental health at William & Mary, points out that crossing two worlds involves a code change between language and culture: people change their behavior and language to to meet different cultural norms. You can act and speak in a different way at home and at school, at work, or with friends. "You can't be what you are. You have to change depending on the social context or you have to give up your home culture to be successful, and then you feel guilty all the time," says Gutierrez, who is also New Leaf's faculty director Clinic at William & Mary's.
Gutierrez notes that many immigrants question their identity (for example, "Am I Korean enough? Am I know enough?"). Immigrants may feel that they have to reject their home culture to match their new one. Gutierrez therefore recommends asking clients: “How do you identify yourself? Who do you connect with? What is your social network like now? How do you make sense of what's at home? "
Immigration can also lead to conflicts between the generations, as family members get used to the new country and the new culture at different speeds. The expectation that children will continue to behave as they do in the home country after immigration can lead to conflict, says Lotes Nelson, a member of the Southern New Hampshire University clinical faculty. She often hears customers say that their children “behave like Americans” because they are disrespectful to them or because they dress and behave in ways that are embarrassing to the family. These clients often ask them, "What do I have to do to ensure that our children follow our culture and behavior?"
Nelson, a licensed professional counselor and recognized clinical supervisor in North Carolina, admits that this is not an easy conversation, but invites families to talk about their feelings. A framework that is helpful for them is the ABCDE model (which is part of a rational emotional behavioral therapy) because it helps clients to reflect and reshape their considerations about a particular situation or emotion.
Nelson, a member of the American Counseling Association, briefly shows how this model works: Take a 13-year-old child who is no longer interested in going to church (the "A" or activating event). Parents could interpret this change as a sign that coming to the United States was a mistake (the "B" or belief), Nelson says. They may feel responsible for their child no longer practicing their spiritual values, and these emotions may manifest as anger (screaming or physically punishing the child; the “C” or consequence).
To help parents question their interpretations of the event and their emotional response to it (the "D" or argument), Nelson can say, "Let us examine your impression of what happened to your child. Tell me more about this belief that coming to America could have been a mistake for you and your family. I wonder how else you could see this new experience. ”
A close look at the situation from a new perspective often helps customers control their emotions and thoughts more effectively and find a way to move forward, she explains. In this example, parents can see how life in the United States has exposed their child to different beliefs and how their child now has friends who do not go to church. So the parents make a new plan: they will continue to discuss the importance of religion in their culture, hoping that the child's rejection of the church is not permanent (the "E" or the effects).
Younger generations of immigrants may also feel committed to their parents for their victims. For example, to move to a new country to give them better chances or to pay for their education. As a result, they could choose a career path – one they don't want – just to meet their parents' needs, says Gutierrez, a licensed professional consultant in North Carolina and Virginia and a member of ACA.
He remembers working with a family that had conflicting ideas about academic success and happiness. The mother thought that her children were not doing well at school, but the children said that they were doing well. Success for the mother meant that her children got a clear A and became successful doctors. Her children were annoyed by the extra pressure because they were not rating aces the same way.
Gutierrez says his role as a counselor is not to wave family members, but to teach them how to communicate with each other. In a way, he acts as a referee, making sure that each person pauses and returns clearly what they heard from the other person.
With this special family, Gutierrez asked the son: "What do you think your mother will say this week?"
The son said: "She will yell at me because I haven't done my homework or because I got a B on my last math test."
Gutierrez asked: "What do you think she wants from you? What do you mean what she means by always bringing up school and grades? "
The son replied: “She only cares about grades and that I become a doctor. She doesn't care what I want from life. "
The mother was in the room and heard her son's perspective. Later in the session, she had the opportunity to share her side of the story. She expressed how screaming at her son's grades expressed her love for him because she didn't want him to fight back the way she had. This exchange led to the mother and son becoming emotional because they both had a deeper understanding of each other's feelings and the underlying motivations for the mother's actions, Gutierrez said.
Stanizai notes that immigrants are often used to external validation or external success measurements. In therapy, she helps customers switch to internal ones. For example, a client might get pressure from his family to get a clear A and become a lawyer or doctor, and this pressure affects the client's mental health. Stanizai would help the customer identify the internal qualities and strengths that he has that do not depend on the expectations or circumstances of others. For example, she could help the client understand that she will succeed in any career she chooses – even if it is a different career than the family – because she has a good work ethic.
"A lot of fear arises when you feel overwhelmed and feel responsible for so many other people than [themselves]," says Stanizai. "If people feel they have no choice but to cut people or cultures out of their lives, they can feel disconnected and depressed." If they feel "different" or isolated, symptoms of mental health problems such as Depression and anxiety worsen. she adds.
Because it is so isolating not to fit fully into a group, Stanizai founded a support group for adult children of Tiger Moms to provide migrant children with a safe space to talk about these issues and find others that are similar Have experiences. She has noticed that the group, which has people from different types of cultures, has become its own culture – one that affirms and heals its members.
Groups are often more accessible to people who may not be able to commit to individual weekly counseling sessions. In addition, they typically help people overcome their stigma about therapy, as individuals who participate in a group often feel like they are attending a class and not going to counseling, she adds.
Stanizai noticed that a common thread often appeared in her group meetings: No matter how successful the participants, they all felt that they were abandoning their families. Many group members report that they are dissatisfied with their work, but feel that they have to stay for family reasons. They also find that they feel guilty because their parents often assume that they will move home after graduation – either to their hometown or to their parents' house.
Stanizai had a client who graduated and found a job in a city far from her parents. The client felt so guilty that she visited her every weekend. Stanizai asked the client, "Why do your parents want you to go home? Why is that so important to them? "The client said," My parents are worried about me and want to stay connected. "
Stanizai worked with the client to find ways to connect with their parents without having to go home every weekend, e.g. B. use a video chat app or invite them to their apartment for dinner. The client decided to email her parents more often, and she found that this actually helped her and her father grow closer, Stanizai says. They exchanged long emails and shared more details about their lives in writing than they did when the client went home and quietly watched TV with her father.
"Parents really want [their children] to be successful and happy," says Stanizai. "The framework for what looks like this may be different from [the client’s]but you can respect and honor that and also open your eyes to what is important to you without completely turning your back on [their family] they both can coexist. "
This intergenerational conflict serves as a microcosm of the constant struggle between the identities with which immigrants are often confronted. With the help of advice, these clients can grapple with these identities and finally gain a foothold.
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For more information on working with immigrant clients, see the detailed February issue of Counseling Today in the detailed article, "Promoting Immigrant Healing Communities."
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Lindsey Phillips is a contributing author of Counseling Today and a UX content strategist. Contact them at [email protected] or through their website at lindseynphillips.com.
Letters to the editor r: [email protected]
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