"The moment you take personal responsibility for everything in your life is the moment when you can change everything in your life." ~ Hal Elrod
I am an introspective person and at this point in my life I have no problems taking personal responsibility. When I share my insights or understanding of situations I've been in, people often say, “Marlena, why are you so hard on yourself? What about the people who wronged you and harmed you? Why don't you ever call her? "
Most of my life, I was trapped in a victim's mindset, which meant that I focused on what I thought other people had done to me wrong or what I thought they caused me pain. I focused on my perception of their mistakes, their shortcomings, how I felt that they abused or hurt me. As a result, I felt mostly helplessness, hopelessness, and despair.
I don't do that to myself anymore.
What some consider hard for me is actually very empowering and liberating for me, because I am finally looking in the right direction. I am now concentrating on the only thing I can control and change: me.
Instead of figuring out how to stop others from harming me, I notice who I am exposing myself to. I notice how I suppress the anger that is supposed to motivate me to act and move away from something or someone who is just not good for me. I concentrate on my inactivity and my inhibition. I notice how I let old conditioning take over and then put an end to it.
How someone else deals with me is beyond my control. Noting who or who I am exposing is in my control. And so I focus on it.
I make sure that I don't do anything wrong when I speak on my behalf. I no longer need permission because I have found my voice and now know that my voice is as important as everyone else's.
But it's not about inciting me to do something that feels as forbidden as it used to be.
I now see it as my duty and responsibility to stand up for myself. It is something I do to make everyone's life easier. It simplifies relationships at all levels because I am finally expressing myself and growing up and maturing in a way that I would never have thought possible.
However, all of this was the result of the development of an internal focus. As long as I focused on other people or challenging situations, I couldn't change anything.
My fear and stress were sky-high. I was frustrated, angry, and constantly disappointed. I held resentment and felt bitter. I developed very negative views about life and people and became more and more a mindset that served no one.
The worst thing was that I was completely blind to it. I didn't notice that I was disempowering myself because I was stuck in a victim's mindset and believed that I was born to suffer and endure an existence that happened passively to me and that I couldn't do anything about.
My focus on others made me blind to me.
If you are unaware of your contribution to situations or problems, make yourself helpless and out of control by not taking into account all available information or contributing factors.
I did not understand that change is something that I can do or achieve. In my mind I was a passive recipient of change and life. Things happened and I had to do my best to deal with them, making me feel hopeless and depressed.
When I was with a withholding partner, I just had to do without it.
When I was with someone who was angry, I just had to learn that it didn't hit me.
If I didn't have enough money to buy food for myself and my children, I simply had to do without it so that I could feed them.
If nobody wanted to help me, I had to do it all on my own.
If someone disregarded me, I just had to tighten up.
I thought I had to accept whatever happened. I really didn't understand that I can take action and make changes that way. I lacked an inner focus and did not see that my actions, inactions and reactions shaped my experiences.
This all changed when I started going through a big change. It was a process that I fought and resisted in the beginning. I was horrified that I had something to do with my own suffering. Who would want that for themselves? Why on earth should I make that happen? Sometimes I got angry when I was directed back at myself.
But at some point it was undeniable. I had too much evidence and could not ignore what I was starting to see: that I played the leading role in all my problems.
The good news was that if I were part of the problem, I would be part of the solution.
And to do that, I really had to get to know and understand myself. I had to be honest. I watched what I did and didn't do, what beliefs led to my unhelpful behaviors, and what fears I had about keeping them at bay.
I became aware of what I wanted and how I behaved in my own way to ensure that I could never get what I wanted as long as I behaved as I did.
I started to see others' answers as reactions to me, and I started to see my reactions to others as an expression of my insecurity. Uncertainties to take care of. Insecurities that required my attention and loving care, which I could not do without first concentrating on the inside. I needed my attention.
Focusing inwards created a space between me and others. Where there was once conflict, confusion and chaos, there was now time, space and clarity that made it possible to make a real connection. Blaming is a thing of the past, as are obsession and rumination.
For the first time in my life I concentrated inward and suddenly felt freer and more powerful than I ever thought possible. I realized that when you try to control what you simply cannot control, it is natural to feel out of control and helpless. It makes perfect sense.
I cannot control whether someone withholds love, affection and intimacy from me. I can control whether I speak and talk about it. I can control leaving because it's not the kind of experience I want to have.
I now see that I have a choice. I am an active creator of my experience.
Just because something happens to me does not mean that I have to stand up for it and expose myself to it. Old conditionings made me think that was the case, but these beliefs were never true at first.
It was just old programs that passed through my head unconsciously. I didn't notice because I wasn't paying attention to myself. I didn't concentrate inside, so nothing made sense to me. Things just seemed to happen because I couldn't see my role in anything.
But just because I didn't know it didn't mean I had no control over what was happening. I did. I know that now. And it does not excuse what other people have done or not, what I have found to be harmful or abusive. That is their burden. That is not in my hands and does not need to be clarified.
I solve my problems when I liberate and empower myself by concentrating on my part in things, on my business, on my role, on my contribution.
I am now passionately trying to sympathetically help others develop their inner focus so that they too can strengthen themselves and change their lives in a way they do not currently dream of.
It starts with being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to see and acknowledge your actions, reactions, and actions without judging yourself negatively, shaming yourself, or justifying yourself. It means freeing yourself from guilt and not using others' negative behaviors as an excuse for your negative behaviors.
When you feel helpless in a situation, it is usually because you cannot see your role in it. Open up to explore it. Allow yourself to see how different it can be if you made a different choice and acted or reacted differently.
Note what's going on for you: What are you trying to protect? What are you trying to avoid, defend, or control? How do you try to protect yourself and from what?
Then tend to it. Be compassionate. Chill out. Set limits. Express yourself. Take action. Do what matters.
So you take your strength back. Concentrate on your part. Focus on what you can control.
It is not about being self-critical or taking on excessive responsibility.
It is about concentrating on what brings relief and what reduces our fear and feeling of powerlessness.
It's about focusing on where your power is. Even if you can't see it yet, you just know it's there.
Even if you don't feel you have a choice, remember it and try to find it.
This will make your life easier and more enjoyable.
Because I am living proof of this, I know that you can too.
About Marlena Tillhon-Haslam
Marlena loves people and life and is passionate about finding ways to make our human experience as fulfilling as possible. She works as a psychotherapist, relationship trainer and clinical director. She loves to connect on Instagram or through her Facebook groups and pages. She is an expert in human relationships and sees her as the elixir of life for a meaningful existence.
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