"Yoga is the journey of the self through the self to the self." ~ The Bhagavad Gita
When I was growing up, I couldn't be further from myself. Early childhood experiences taught me to channel all of my energy outside. Put everyone first and respond insatiable to their needs. This way of thinking gives you an incredibly low self-esteem, separates you from your own feelings and desires and ultimately leaves your happiness to other people.
When you have low self-esteem, you mostly want to move away from the world like a turtle. Hiding in your protective cover becomes a way of life because you fear that people will abandon, reject, or mock you if you reveal who you really are.
A common answer from my surroundings was "Don't worry! Just be yourself!" If you have low self-esteem, "being yourself" is not just something that worries you, it is not something that just makes you uncomfortable lets feel. It is literally something that your brain decodes as a high risk. The act of "being myself" was incredibly terrifying. I had watch all the time and a face for every occasion.
In my early twenties, I started analyzing my unhealthy thought patterns and tried three different therapists. Everyone encouraged me to have a monologue about my life as they nodded blank and asked questions like, "How did you feel about it?"
It didn't do anything for me. I urgently needed a loving relationship with myself. I had to get to know the girl I had been and the woman I had become. Be there for them, calm them down and cheer them on.
This is where yoga came into play.
There was not a single defining moment. My first yoga class didn't change my life. Neither the second nor the third or the fourth. But little by little I heard an important message that I kept repeating as I went to more courses and read old scriptures – the importance of looking inside for confirmation, love, and support.
Years of searching for these things outside of me had precariously attached my value to other people, but when I was on the mat, I was asked to connect with everything – my own fears, my own desires and my own needs. Without this step, I would not have been able to develop in my life.
My yoga practice went deeper when I found yin and recovery. Yoga branches that emphasize gentle support, nutrition and mindful movement, as opposed to any kind of striving or precision.
Unlike the sweaty sequences of fast-paced flow classes, Yin is a gentle, intuitive exercise that slowly leads you to open yourself both physically and emotionally. Poses open your heart and hips – places where low self-esteem is often the most closed.
Positions such as supported twist and swan can be held for more than five minutes, which promotes deep tissue release, relieving tension from your body on the mat. Meanwhile, poses like butterfly and camel when you open the trunk can make you feel completely vulnerable.
When you spread out over the mat, the urge to close can be strong and it is not uncommon to feel emotionally. It left me with no choice but to surrender despite the resistance of every cell in my body.
Many of the poses in Yin Yoga are named after animals and insects that we associate with peacefulness. The gentle movement of a swan radiates a blissful inner calm. The slow movements of a camel and the flutter of a butterfly convey the kind of quiet force that you feel when you finally achieve solid self-esteem. When you know that you are enough, the need to prove yourself gradually subsides and is replaced by a lightness in both body and mind. It is this ease that yoga conveys.
Similar to Yin, restorative yoga aims to center you through both silence and slow movements. It took all the energy I relentlessly released to the world and brought it back to me. It felt like for the first time I was concentrating entirely on my own experiences. It feels good.
I went to the recreation class on Thursday evening. I remember the first hour I was lively because it felt so unnatural. Aside from the everyday pace, where there are so many ways to stun with work, television and socializing, this session included only four calm poses, each held for five to seven minutes.
These include the Posing Lying Hero, in which you relax your entire body on a support pillow and gently bend your knees backwards, as well as Supta Baddha Konasana – with open legs, folded feet and arms flat to one side. Whatever the pose was, the purpose of it was comfort for the body, rest for the mind, and replenishment of the mind.
At the beginning I found this practice excruciating. My body was tense and my muscles were contracted. After avoiding myself for years, I just couldn't relax and let go because I was scared.
The teacher noticed it and often came over to lightly press my back onto the mat. Another time he swapped the hard cork block I chose to hold my head up for the softness of a folded blanket. As with many other yoga teachers, his non-judgmental support provided the safe, gentle push I needed to finally relax in my own body.
These simple but nutritious actions reflect the philosophy of yoga so well that practice has little to do with who can stretch the longest, longest, or most elegantly. Instead, association with yourself is one of the most important tenants of yoga. If a pose feels painful, adjust yourself. When you have reached your limit, withdraw.
This mantra has been repeated in all classes I have been in and it is the most tangible evidence of the effect that yoga has had on my life. If something feels painfully uncomfortable, I now ask: "Why am I doing this? Is it for me or to please other people? "
Chronic people who fell to gain self-esteem always felt excruciating to me. It put me in the mood of almost everyone I met. But only when I found the teachings of yoga did I realize why it felt so bad and I found the courage to change.
When you were so far from yourself and finally connected to your inner being, it can look overwhelming. The discovery that I existed in the world and that I not only had needs and feelings that deserved to be heard, but also who I really, really mattered was profound. In this way, yoga showed how much I neglected myself so that talk therapy never touched me.
I started to take care of myself radically, started a calming inner dialogue and asked myself regularly whether I was fine: How did I feel? (Contrary to what others felt). Although I was initially discouraging and uncomfortable, I gradually stopped doing things to please others and began to reveal every part of me – the stupid side, the quiet side, the intelligent side. Why? Because my self-esteem was inherent, it was more within me than outside of me, so I had the security of being exactly who I was.
If you have ever struggled with low self-esteem, you will know that the path to true acceptance is long, arduous, and never linear. It's a one step forward, two step back process. One where you have to wake up every day and commit to building rather than lowering. One in which you have to silence your inner critic and instead have to start accepting every part of yourself – even those that you find uncomfortable.
By practicing yoga and learning from the principles on which it is based, this path can become easier and also much brighter.
About Caitlin Kelly
Caitlin Kelly is a 25-year-old writer who lives and works in London. She loves yoga and meditation and the effects it can have on self-confidence and living with your authentic self.
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