An experienced counselor recently admitted to me that she felt overwhelmed when both a mother and an adult daughter came to her to seek help in their never-ending quarrels. She said that she had difficulty figuring out the main reasons for her arguments, and she knew that the communication skills and limits she wanted to instill in her did not report the main reasons for her relationship difficulties.
Unfortunately, this consultant is not alone. Colleagues often tell me that they feel unprepared when it comes to working with mothers and daughters. They accuse the lack of specialist training. This lack of focus on the mother-daughter relationship leads to unnecessary fears among counselors and psychotherapists and to frustration among female clients. For example, the questionnaire on the relationship between adult daughters and mothers was not developed until 2016 (for more information, see Julie Cwikel's article in the Family Journal). And in my office I hear too often how mothers and daughters express their frustrations about the lack of specialized help.
In this article, I share two insights that help counselors understand the dynamics between a mother and daughter of all ages. These findings come from the mother-daughter bond model that I developed through my 20-year-old hearing thousands of mothers and daughters of all ages from different countries and cultures. The model makes the complex dynamic between mothers and daughters understandable, explains why mothers and daughters fight, and teaches how mothers and daughters can build strong, emotionally connected relationships.
I specialized in the mother-daughter relationship already in the 1990s, since this relationship is of central importance for the self-image of women. My relationship with my mother had shaped me, and when my daughter was born 30 years ago, I knew I had to change the harmful issues that were passed down from generation to generation. What started as a personal search became my job.
Mothers and daughters often tell me that they are ashamed of their relationship difficulties. They believe that they should "get along" because common wisdom tells them that mothers and daughters should be close together. This social expectation makes mothers and daughters take the blame for relationship difficulties. The truth is that many women are currently having a conflict between mother and daughter if my years of experience as a therapist indicate it.
Based on the requests I received from mothers and adult daughters from different countries, I believe that greater societal dynamics contribute to their conflict of relationships. I often hear that “hormones” are blamed for causing relationship problems, be it the teenage daughter's hormone or the pregnant daughter's hormone, or the mother's hormone during menopause. Another common reason why mothers and daughters don't get along is because of their different or similar personality traits. However, I have never found that hormones or personality traits are the main cause of conflict between mother and daughter. Rather, I have come to the conclusion that society brings mothers and daughters into conflict.
In the first insight, I show that the mother-daughter relationship is not difficult to understand as soon as we find that mothers and daughters do not identify in a cultural vacuum. Realizing that mothers and daughters behave in a socio-cultural and intergenerational environment makes it easier to grasp the dynamics between them. We see how life events, restrictive gender roles, unrealized career goals and the expectation that women should sacrifice their childcare needs affect the mothers 'and daughters' perspective and communication. To illustrate this dynamic, I share the story of my work with Sandeep, a young college student from England (name and identifying details have been changed).
In the second insight, I explain how the way patriarchy silences and denies women is the root cause of most mother-daughter conflicts in different cultures around the world. As an illustration, I share my work with Miriam, a doctor from Sweden who comes from a feminist family (name and identifying details have been changed).
Miriam and Sandeep come from different countries and have different cultural backgrounds, and their families are at the other end of the continuum of women's rights, but their core problem with the relationship is the same. Both Miriam and Sandeep come from families where women have not learned to ask what they need.
Finding No. 1: Mothers and daughters relate to a socio-cultural environment
As with any couple, mothers and daughters rarely argue about what they are arguing about. Sandeep and her mother were no exception to this rule. Sandeep was a young student who lived at home. Her parents emigrated to England from India before Sandeep was born. Sandeep had three brothers, but she was the only daughter in the family.
Sandeep visited me because she felt depressed at how critical her mother was. She struggled to combine her college work with the housework that her mother and family expected her to do. She said her mother would not be good enough "housekeeper" and not cared enough to be accused for her mother when she was sick, which was often.
Sandeep had consulted an advisor before me, who had indicated that her mother may have a personality disorder. I never got to see Sandeep's mother and work with her clinically, so I was unable to check if this could be the case. No matter if Sandeep's mother had this diagnosis, she didn't provide Sandeep with the answers
she needed.
Instead, Sandeep had to understand the socio-cultural environment in which she and her mother lived. She also had to understand what was going on in this environment, which apparently made her mother so angry and critical, and what made Sandeep and her mother think that it was Sandeep's responsibility to run the entire household.
When I start working with new customers, I record their mother-daughter story. This is the main exercise in the mother-daughter bonding model. It is an adaptation of the genogram exercise that family therapists use. The cards focus on the three main women in the multi-generation family, in Sandeep's case Sandeep as a daughter, her mother, and her grandmother. I describe the experiences that the three women have had in their lives, including the gender roles that have determined their lives and limited their choices and powers. I also record how the men in the family treat their wives and daughters. Mother-daughter medical history cards provide an in-depth analysis of the socio-cultural environment in which women live in the family and what happens in that environment to encourage mothers and daughters to argue, misunderstand, and emotionally separate , (For detailed instructions on how to use this exercise with clients, see my book The Mother-Daughter Puzzle.)
Sandeep talked about the life of her grandmother and mother and arranged marriages and how her father and grandfather were insulted and controlled. She said the men in the family were encouraged to go to college and start their careers, while women were expected to stay home to help their mothers. When Sandeep provided these details, her family's patriarchal structure became sharp. Sandeep was the first woman in her generation family to finish school and go to college.
Sandeep's family believed in what I call the "culture of female service," a global patriarchal belief system that sees women as carers, not as carers. Families committed to the culture of feminine service expect mothers and daughters to be selfless, make sacrifices, and neglect caregivers themselves. This belief system does not recognize women as people with their own needs.
Although I never met Sandeep's mother, it was clear to me (based on Sandeep's descriptions) that she had internalized this family belief and knew no other way to be. This meant that she did not understand Sandeep's desire to go to college or her struggle for independence. I suspected that Sandeep's independence felt threatening to her mother. Several reasons explain why Sandeep's mother was so critical of her daughter and why she was emotionally manipulative – for example, because she got sick just when Sandeep was busy doing a task or exam.
First, Sandeep wanted to live a different life than her mother and grandmother, and this probably made Sandeep's mother feel alone and abandoned. Her only understanding of the female gender was that of women as caregivers and "good daughters" a step in their mothers shoes and walking repetitions of their mothers life. Sandeep's mother had done that, her mother had done that, and she expected Sandeep to follow in that role. I suspect Sandeep's desire for a different life and relationship felt like a rejection to her mother. It made her feel that her daughter was criticizing the life and values that she believed in as a mother.
Second, Sandeep's mother could have been jealous of her daughter's freedom and opportunities, although she probably didn't know that her criticism and anger were based on jealousy. Sandeep's freedom and opportunities could have been an uncomfortable mirror for Sandeep's mother, reminding her of the freedom she never had and the dreams she had to give up.
Third, the mother's attempts to prevent Sandeep from graduating and leaving home may be related to her own struggle for emotional survival. Sandeep told me that she was the only person who gave her mother love and care, so the thought that Sandeep had to leave the house must have been scary for her mother.
In order for mothers and daughters to build a strong, emotionally connected relationship, it is optimal for both parties to conduct couple therapy. However, if a person is unable or unwilling to participate, a cure is still possible. In Sandeep's case, her mother did not want to take part in the therapy. However, this did not prevent Sandeep from understanding and improving her relationship with her mother. When a person changes their behavior, the relationship changes to accommodate the new behavior. Of course, Sandeep and I had little control over how her mother would react to the changes Sandeep needed in their relationship.
In my work with Sandeep, I taught her how to listen to her own voice. Sandeep had become an expert when it came to responding to her mother's needs and being a "dutiful daughter", but she had no idea what she wanted for herself apart from completing her studies. Sandeep didn't know how to ask what she thought, felt, or needed emotionally because this conversation was not being spoken in her family. My role as mother-daughter therapist was to help Sandeep uncover the sexism she had inherited from her mother and grandmother that had silenced her voice. I helped her understand how gender inequality normalized in her family and culture, and I taught her how she had her own ideas about who she wanted to be and what she needed in her relationship with her mother – and in all of their relationships.
I also helped Sandeep cope with the setback she had received from her mother and father when she stopped fulfilling her demands to be the family's unpaid housekeeper. I helped her understand her mother and father's point of view so that she showed empathy for her, and encouraged her to realize that her anger and criticism were not as personal as they felt, but came from her cultural beliefs. In addition to Sandeep's increased understanding of her family's socio-cultural environment, I helped her strengthen her right to voice her opinion, reject unreasonable demands and find her own way of life.
Unfortunately, Sandeep's parents did not respond well to the fact that she behaved differently than they expected from a "dutiful daughter". After Sandeep left the house, her family's anger and accusations of dishonoring the family became alarming and resulted in an injunction against her parents and siblings. Through her therapy, Sandeep learned to what extent her family members could not tolerate women questioning their long-held beliefs about what women could and could not do and what could and could not be carried. I had Sandeep's stay safe and grieved for the loss of her family as she too gained her own voice and life to help.
Insight No. 2: Mothers and daughters denied their needs to fight
My clients have taught me that rejecting women's needs, particularly when it comes to women's emotional needs, cannot handle most mother-daughter conflicts in the relationship. As I write in the mother-daughter puzzle, when a family doesn't speak the language, it asks what women feel and need mothers and daughters to set up conflicts. There is an either-or-dynamic in which mother and daughter argue about who belongs in their relationship and is emotionally supported because they do not know how to create a normality in which both hearing and support are provided.
In every mother-daughter card that I draw, I see how the retirement of women's needs affects women's emotional wellbeing, their ability to work for themselves in their relationships and at work, and that Maintains gender inequality. I see how this dynamic makes women invisible and how invisibility makes women hungry for attention. The inability to ask openly and honestly what they need leads to emotionally manipulative behavior between mothers and daughters and enables daughters to read their mother's unspoken and unrecognized needs.
Miriam, a customer from Sweden, contacted me for help with their teenage daughter. Miriam and her mother had benefited from the women's movement's struggle for women's rights. Miriam and her mother were doctors, and Miriam's husband and father greatly supported their careers. But just like Sandeep and her mother, Miriam and her mother had internalized and normalized the culture of female service, and Miriam's daughter was furious with her mother's selflessness.
Miriam's daughter felt that she had to read what her mother really felt and wanted, and she was tired of it. She wanted an emotionally honest relationship with her mother. She wanted to feel free to say what she felt and needed, so that her mother could voice her opinion and stop the quizzes. Miriam's daughter did not want to feel responsible for her mother's unvoiced and unmet needs.
The decommissioning of women's needs is a cross-generational dynamic that is passed on from mother to daughter because the mother cannot teach her daughter how to openly and honestly express her needs. When the daughter is expected to often unconsciously listen to and fulfill her mother's unvoiced and unconfirmed needs, she learns to become an expert in understanding what her mother needs, not what she herself needs needs. This means that the daughter grows up emotionally as dumb as her mother and future daughter prepare to learn to interpret and satisfy their voiceless needs.
Women's generational experience of being emotionally silenced and emotionally neglected is a common theme between mothers and daughters. Fortunately, I'm seeing a huge shift in adult daughters in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who want to wake up and change on this patriarchal subject. These daughters acknowledge that they have learned – from their mothers and from society in general – to be far too tolerant of silence and self-neglect. More and more daughters are asking their mothers to join them for therapy so that they can change these inherited behavior patterns together. Mothers and daughters unite and pioneer a new normal in their families – a normal in which women speak out and demand to be heard. And they pass this new normalcy on to the next generation of sons and daughters.
Mothers and daughters have always led the call for women's rights. When we understand this mother-daughter bond disorder or conflict tells the story of how sexist beliefs and harm stereotypes gender roles women's voices and rights, the mother-daughter relationship becomes an unstoppable force for change in global families and levels.
Unfortunately, Sandeep's mother was unable to join Sandeep in her struggle to question her family's sexist cultural beliefs. I concluded that too much neglect made Sandeep's mother emotionally unable to cope with her fainting. Miriam, who had had far more support and strengthening upbringing, was able to connect her daughter to find a new normal woman in her family. This mother-daughter team trained each other as they freed themselves from their internalized sexism and self-silence habits.
The mother-daughter relationship has tremendous power to change the lives of women around the world. When mothers and daughters join together, they form an impenetrable wall of resistance against family members who are threatened by women who assert their rights. I have had the honor of working with many groundbreaking mothers and daughters who dared to dream of a reality in which mothers and daughters no longer hunger for attention and struggled for crumbs of affection. These brave mothers and daughters recognize the harm that patriarchy, sexism and gender inequality inflict on women and they have decided that enough is enough. Basically they say: "It has to end with us."
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Rosjke Hasseldine is a mother-daughter relationship therapist, author of The Silent Female Scream and the Mother-Daughter Puzzle, and founder of Mother-Daughter Coaching International LLC (motherdaughtercoach. com), a training organization. She blogs for the American Counseling Association and has presented her mother-daughter bond model at professional conferences, on Canadian television, and at the UN Commission on the Status of Women. Contact them at [email protected] or through their website at rosjke.com.
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