"He who loves is unhappy, even if love does not return, he has his rainbow." ~ James M. Barrie
My first experience with unrequited love took place when I was a small child in swimming lessons.
I had a crush on one of the instructors. I don't remember his name, but I do remember the excruciating feeling of absolutely adoring someone who didn't even know I existed. I wish I could say this was a once in a lifetime experience, but it wasn't.
Unfortunately, this pattern continued for many years. I seemed to have a radar in my heart that automatically fixed on the man who least returned my affection and love. I had to have it. Only it never worked.
I once spent many painful years looking for a man I fell in love with, even after he moved across the country and married someone else. I just couldn't get him out of my head.
I had no real relationship with any of these men. I never went out with them, kissed them, nothing. I was friends with some of them, but that was it.
Maybe you can relate. After an apparent eternity, you've finally met someone special. It's like finding an oasis in a desert of nothing and you're just excited. It just has to work with this person, so you immediately switch to obsession mode.
You have an agenda for this relationship. You know exactly how you want it and it has to be done as soon as possible.
Fixing yourself on someone can be an extremely uncomfortable experience. Insisting on a relationship that works exactly the way you want it is like trying to suffocate the universe. It simply cannot be done, and trying to do so will only lead to frustration.
If this happens to you, look at the situation as it is, look at what's really going on, and be open to the many amazing opportunities that life has in store for you.
It's tempting to think that this person is the key to your happiness, but that's just not true. He or she is a person with imperfections and you don't know them very well yet.
If you have an intense emotional reaction to someone you don't know very well, you are dealing with your own mind, not that of the other person. If you have fallen in love with someone and think that life will be wonderful when you are finally a couple, you are placing your chances of happiness outside of yourself.
Another person can never hold the key to your happiness. If you believe this, give up your power.
Of course it is possible that you have known the person for some time. He or she may be a colleague or friend for whom you have developed intense feelings.
Do you think in your own wishful thinking that there is much more to a simple exchange than it really is? How much time do you spend analyzing your interactions with that person? Healthy relationships do not have to be constantly evaluated.
If you spend a lot of time thinking about your chances of being in a relationship with someone, you should be wondering what's really going on. It can be helpful to trust a friend, therapist, or coach to get an outside perspective. If you hesitate, ask yourself why.
When you fixate on someone, it can feel tight to the other. There is a certain discomfort, a possessive despair that can turn out to be needy or even creepy.
You have to address the part of yourself that wants to cling to this person and give them what they need. That needy part of you has something to teach you and it's not about holding on to that relationship. It's about being at peace with you.
You can't hide this by just playing it cool or by following dating rules at the time of the call or SMS. This needy energy will come out of you and repel the other person. Don't scold it. Instead, listen to yourself with compassion and love.
What is it that you are not confronted with? Do you resist the idea that you are responsible for your own happiness? Do you hope that a wonderful romance will ease the pain of a less than outstanding career or boost your confidence?
What do you hope this person can give you that you don't have now? Trust? Love? Knowing that you are special?
What can you do to give yourself what you need? Whatever it is, you will never be able to get it from someone else. Take care of yourself and you will feel much better.
Trust that someone else will be out there for you and that you will meet him or her when the time is right. There are so many people in this world. This is not the last authorized person you will ever meet. If this relationship doesn't work the way you want it, trust that things are happening for a reason and continue.
If you have committed yourself to one person, this is the perfect opportunity to examine what is going on within you. Life has brought you a generous dose of potential self-discovery. Greet the lesson as best you can and learn everything you can. You will be so glad that you did it.
If you dig into the situation and see what it is like instead of waiting for your potential lover to come to your senses, you have a much better chance of luck.
All my heartbreaking experiences with unrequited love have led me to so much growth and self-discovery. I found that my fantasy relationships with these men protected my heart.
I was alone, but I was sure that it was not my fault. it was hers because they didn't want me. If only they saw how great I am, everything would be fine. I did not open myself to love by insisting that love can only come from one person.
When I could really see that and really love myself, I never had such an experience again.
Any relationship or circumstance can bring you closer to the love you want when you open up and allow yourself to learn as much as possible. Love can come from so many sources. Don't lock yourself up. Be open to life, to alternatives, to opportunities.
–
Only this week in Tiny Buddha's Best You, Best Life Bundle, along with 19 other powerful online tools, you will receive a 95% discount on Renée's "How to Find the Love You Want" course. If you're frustrated with dating and ready to have a love affair, read here.
Do you see a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
