“The cry that we hear deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child in us. Healing the pain of this inner child is the key to transforming anger, sadness and fear. "~ Thich Nhat Hanh
We all have an injured inner child. My injured child was recently injured because my sister had not called or texted me for several weeks. Apparently I'm always the one who has to reach for her and my hurt child feels that she doesn't really care about me.
The other day my injured child was also afraid because I did not have much work in the coming week and was afraid that I would not have enough money. The wounded child in me felt scared and alone in a big, scary world.
And then my hurt child was angry, but I really know that it was about fear and pain again. You see, my ex-husband refuses to send the spouse support he is supposed to give me and he will not answer my emails. Helpless and harassed, my injured child wants to scream and scream and come to terms with it!
The wounded child is another and more accurate way to think about your ego.
This wounded child is not "wrong" or "bad". It is really just a child who tries to take care of his needs in the best possible way. The problem begins when we let the child control our reactions and our life without seeing it for what it is.
The fact that you and I injured children inside does not necessarily mean that we were neglected or physically abused as children – there are many emotional wounds that we all experience when we grow up. The tender child you once lived on lives in your adult body and experiences the world as a place of danger and fear, always ready to defend or attack to "survive".
Your wounded child may not show much if life is going well and you feel under control, but if something that is important to you is threatened or you feel excluded or are not being respected or exploited, it can little children inside make themselves felt!
The wave of negative emotions you feel in these situations is your indication that the wounded child is taking control. Typically, the emotions are fear, pain, or shame, but each of these emotions can also disguise itself as anger. In fact, you can almost always rely on anger to cover a deeper, more frightening emotion.
This is because the child feels stronger and safer inside when he is angry than when he actually admits that fear, injury and shame are underneath.
Consider the domino effect that occurs when my wounded child's instinctive reactions trigger your own wounded child!
We respond to our overwhelming feelings of fear and pain, often with an equally overwhelming response of anger – which directly leads to another round of fear and pain in you, and another, probably even greater, response to anger , And that happens all day, every day, in homes, businesses, and even governments around the world.
But what can we do about it? The first and most important thing is simply to become aware of your wounded child and when it was triggered. If you feel an oversized or inexplicable emotion, be prepared for it instead of accepting it without question. If the emotion is anger, look deeper.
Does it feel like someone is threatening you? Do you feel invisible, overlooked and exploited? Just like real children, these are all situations that trigger the injured child inside.
Do you feel lonely, scared, ashamed or embarrassed? Children often feel naturally powerless and alone in a large and confusing world.
If you remember your own childhood or the children in your life today, this is the key to learning how to take care of your own inner child. If there was a sad, scared two-year-old in front of you now, or even a very angry two-year-old, would you ignore or insult him? Would that help?
The wounded child in you is exactly the same. He or she tries very hard to make it in this big and confusing world. If you take this perspective, it is easy to see how our reactions are determined by emotions that seem disproportionate to the events that triggered them. We don't react as the adults we are, but as the powerless children we used to be.
When that happens, the best thing you can do to reassure your inner child is to feel sorry for yourself. Recognize that you feel angry, hurt, or anxious, and that your first reactions are likely to come from your wounded child. Take a step back, take a deep breath and put your hands over your heart.
As with real children, although we may not be able to solve the problem for them, an adult's compassion and appreciation help make endurance easier.
You can be the adult for your inner child as soon as you become aware of their needs. Often, the emotions that felt so overwhelming at the moment just go away once you understand the real cause. And once you have recognized and looked after your inner child, you can choose a response instead of letting them choose you!
The process also works in reverse order:
If you see that it is really a wounded child who controls the actions of others, you can feel sorry for them and break the cycle of actions and reactions before they are triggered.
This is (usually) what is happening to my ex-husband now. I realize that he is actually scared and ashamed, which leads directly to his anger and unkindness. It is much easier to forgive him when I remember that he is also a wounded child! Nothing is served if I alternately let my injured child react. At least I'm suffering. In the worst case, the situation continues to explode.
Any social arena that you fear can also be relieved by remembering that no matter how successful and confident they may appear, other people are hosting a wounded child who is as scared and vulnerable as you are. This is especially true for people who are aggressive and intimidating.
Becoming aware of your own and others' wounded children will change your relationships and life experience. It is the key to self-compassion, which in turn leads to compassion for everyone else.
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