“Borders are part of self-care. They are healthy, normal and necessary. "~ Doreen Virtue
I am really nice. Too beautiful, actually. I was even a kind of doormat in my life.
But what can I say? That's how I was trained.
When I was growing up there weren't many borders in our home. Instead, my addicted mother was either checked out, celebrated, or raised to hell so that I became the adult in the room. I was at your service most of the time.
When I was six, I spoke regularly to my parents about their struggles. When I was eight years old, I switched to career counseling for mom. The message was clear. You are here to help – and don't forget it.
I grew up dreaming of a stress-free life in which I could finally do what I wanted. Years later, I had my bullying boss carve out much of my soul while working on weekends, holidays, and more.
I felt an enormous burden or responsibility all the time and became known as a problem solver on site, regardless of the circumstances. The first time this happened was in an advertising agency in Manhattan when I easily sacrificed my Saturday to take one for the team.
It seemed critical that I was doing this. After all, the agency's biggest customer was involved. It never even occurred to me that I could say no. Instead, I told myself the following lies:
"If I don't do it myself, it will never be finished and everything will go straight to hell."
“I literally can't say no here. If I do that, I could get fired. "
Or the biggest lie of them all: “Just come through. Then you never have to do it again. "
Ironically, I told myself it took hundreds of times over the years. As a result, I became degraded, exhausted, and overworked. I was a hamster caught on an impossible treadmill.
I thought I had finally found the solution when I became a freelancer and started my own business. In this way, I could at least theoretically set up all the rules. It turned out that I couldn't set myself any limits. The pattern of revision continued practically unchanged.
In all this time I never thought that I could say no. Or that I had the right to live my life the way I wanted to. Even if that meant changing jobs or relationships. Because yes, the border violations have continued in love.
Here I was expected to follow the agendas of my partners, no matter what I actually thought or needed. Conveniently, I generally had no idea, so I joined all of the suggestions.
And yet the universe can only endure such delusions for so long. Finally, my false reality collapsed around my ears as everything in my world slowly began to dissolve.
First, the shiny business that I had built up over decades suddenly fell apart. It turned out that I couldn't see customers for ten hours a day without time for myself. At that point, I had the flu for months and was seriously exhausted. Every day it was a struggle to just get up, let alone consult people.
For the first time in my adult life, it seemed like a good idea not to work and take a little break.
Then I broke down my relationship. At that time I had given up my apartment in San Francisco and followed my partner out of town to let go of everything I had built for myself. This happened despite the gnawing emptiness I felt about the relationship. Even though we both had doubts shortly before the move.
Deep inside, part of me knew that following her was a big mistake. But I went, mostly because she thought it was a good idea.
Again I had no idea what I was thinking.
One morning, two months after I moved in, she turned to me in bed and calmly told me that she had no romantic feelings for me. With a smile, she added that I was welcome as a "roommate".
Finally my anger came. Of course, this was not our business. Annoyed, I packed my suitcase, loaded my car and started driving. As I drove on, I began to feel feelings that I hadn't felt in years. In no time I saw how I was used again and again in this relationship – and in so many others.
As I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge on the way back to the city, I looked at the Pacific and shimmered next to me in the sunlight. I felt the wind on my face and once felt completely free. Suddenly I was relieved. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes as I drove, awake at the tremendous opportunity that my life now offers.
This was my golden opportunity to do things differently – the way I wanted to. Finally, I was hopeful when I realized that I could actually set limits. I could say no whenever I wanted. And I could say what I wanted.
I could really get up and build a healthy, beautiful and rich life for myself. I could feel that it was true. That day I made a promise. I would no longer tell myself to just get through if I didn't want to do anything. Instead, I would damn well say no, whatever the consequences.
Well, a few years later, I actually built the life that I longed for. And what is present is me, plain and simple. I am no longer hiding in revision. I'm not saying things are okay if they're not. And I don't think I have to solve everyone else's problems.
Instead, I follow these rules:
1. I notice when someone feels uncomfortable. Instead of running away from this red flag, I listen and listen.
2. I try to own my feelings even if they scare me. Even if I have to be alone for a while to process things.
3. I speak kindly and firmly about what I do not like or with which I do not agree.
4. I make requests when I have to.
5. I go away when necessary.
6. Above all, I realize that someone else's problem is not my problem. You have to solve it, not me. So you can enjoy the following lessons.
By following these simple basic rules, I found the way back to serenity, a happy marriage and a job that really fulfills me. If you allow yourself to finally possess your limits, you will not only serve yourself, but everyone else around you will also realize where you stand.
You can not only set limits, you just have to. Because this is the way to have both your strength and your joy.
Your borders are nothing more than self-confirming gold.
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